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Jul 2014 · 215
never known love
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
A romantic life is too much to ask
the princess becomes the queen
The tedious gruel of thee day to day
A fairy tale's lost
another childhood dream
Broken by expectations
Worn thin by morning

I often said he didn't know love
My precious prince
who saved my life
But he learned
and weathered

From before dawn
to after sweet dusk
He went to war
And I fell to my ways
He came home to my mess
I abandoned his love
But he had learned

He took my fire
as lover's might do
kept me safe
maybe too much
I fought, kicked
Screamed, to no avail
I wanted out

The slavery of the day to day
Even if he slaved for me
A princess shouldn't
be bored with life
Be slaved to home

Always angry
always fear
I could not trust
How can you
All alone?

I couldn't love
Mine, was not true
But he came home
Day in and day out
Love yous everyday
All meaning lost
except to him

My rock of a prince
But he was not fated for me
He was too slow
He gave too much
I broke his rock
His love to sand
Water comes and gone

He taught me
far too slow
That my love was false
His love was true
His was I to know?

I was raised in pain
Broken dreams
Waiting princes
And tales of undying love
Why was it mine that wails?
mine, to find not enough?
Jul 2014 · 347
Paper Boots
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
So long I travel
Stumbling along
Broken knees
Twisted ankles
wants and needs

Worn through
My shoes are worn
A testament to wear
No longer protecting
Just to hide my toes
On and on I go
Hiding me

My baggage is great
Its weight, cumbersome
Hairy, ugly and mine
My children, they cry
My men, they leave
Driven before me
I seek, they die

Fate for my pains
My mother, she binds
Taking me closer
Tying me to her lies
Shackled, dependent

Stolen dreams, for her
Artists' dreams gone bye
Peace in the memories
Her beatings, won't die
Her guilt made mine
A pawn til she dies
Slaved, ***** my mind

Years ago
I spoke my mind
I took her power
Crushed her spine
Stood, myself

Freedom was hard, broken fine
But glass became diamonds
And to heal, so hard
Her whips are lost
Her leash now gone
I got my freedom
My chance to cry

I wear these boots
Because of the ride
To walk on my own
Such a journey's home
Walking on broken glass
Jul 2014 · 326
wedge
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Its late or early
The wee hours have come
my mind, ashambles, my mind arace
I think of the past, relive all moments
My passion, alust

Its a chemical thing
I am my own drug
Want to rage, throw
Tantrum and moan
Scream at the world
So unfair
My own

Chances have come
and then they have gone
My path, I realize, only now
my wasteful own
why me, why this

Some have told me, again and again
Time for this chance or that
but I fought, stubborn in my bones
Argued for spite, for independence
unknown

I want what I want
Need for my own
He said its not done
My dreams just ahold
My will not my own

My youth was spent
Independence so broken
I rely on the leash
The teather of the known
I lied to myself
Not brave, and scared
To my soul

He pushed me so hard
Beyond my will
To shatter my strength
But creating grand art
Desires yet unknown

I couldn't see, would not stray
All I know, destroys his trust
I built the wedge
To break what I love
to deny my soul
Jul 2014 · 419
the Work
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Marriage is, as they say, not easy
One, two, three have come my way
a blessed cheater, the first
the second, a liar and a cheat
The third showed me my soul

To see bone's soul, and then to cringe away
is a difficult way, who I thought I was
Then stark relevelations, a bitter taste
Its a marriage, blending of souls
My efforts were like that of the fairy tales
In the last, I expected, but did not give
I didn't know how to love

I didn't know what love was
we fought, leaving hearts ******
Torn, ragged and scorned
But he always believed he could
He was an elemental
Nothing could stop him
He would not fail

I broke him, like so many other men
His dreams of us, because I had none
Crushed his plans, because my future
Always so bleak, always so failing
he could not live in my world of dispair

He had a poet's soul, beautiful
Grand, it made me pale
how could he be so sure
so confident to a future
Together, I so frail
I had to break his,
My reality, his not real

I bent him slow
My mind's strength and glow
Made him crooked,
Stretched and broke
Turned him, roasted

The blending of souls
My deepest dream
All I wanted
All I need
Stolen

I spent the time
But not the work
I did not know
that princesses
Must work
Jul 2014 · 172
born
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Nothing more
Just a being
Yearning for joy
For freedom
For worth

Never that someone
You hoped to be
Never that one
You wished you were
Not worth more
Than the ache
between your thighs

When you see your worth
It wont be in a reflection
No mirror is worthy
your mind, it lies
a soft, quick lie

From the mouths
of the past
Deaf to the cries
The words spoken
From true life's kiss

I kiss his eyes
wish him well
He is not for me
Too good
Too well

Broken, my mind
but yet he stayed
My wraith is broken
against his faith
against his belief

Not in God, nor man, nor machine
he loved me deep, I drown in waste
he pushed me hard, against my will
told me tough, taught me well
I left him far, made him dies

I'll leave just now
his kiss in my lips
he gave me his love
I taught him emotion
I taught him pain

I was simply born
Nothing but pain
Suffering and distain
I give you new birth
Twisted, my worth
Love, lost
Jul 2014 · 316
lightly salted and crispy
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
What would I like?
Rage, encompasses me like a drug
Entering the vein, keeping me askew
Such a question, how dare he even ask
If I wanted it, I would have gotten it myself

I have no need for him
The object of my distain
Need not apply, do not pass go
Do not collect, will not
He will not trap me
with glass jewels
or painted rocks

The way is clear, ill will
twisted desires
They say a poet
wears her heart
on her sleeve
But is immune
To others minds

I will show this silly fool
the error of his way
Not even a glance
Nor blink
his way

Look at him, so pathetic; his way
always trying, he thinks he can save
Its me, not him, who has to save
Not his job, he doesn't know
I bait him, cut his dreams
He is a nothing, ant
lost his chance

But oiled his might
a boiled snack
Maybe on the side
Such a wasted little man
I eat him up,
Spit out
his remians

Such a bitter taste
So long ago
I learned
The waste
when it was a meal
Jul 2014 · 256
Misery
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Its a company that I keep, my last remaining friend
face to face, with his memory in hand
gripped tightly, he sought to teach
but I only buckled, leaving him
arguing torment, my efforts

I curse his name, burn his letters
all traces gone, nothing to cede
to my mind I made him evil
wrong and a devil's pawn
his lessons, underhanded
a fraud, give lies to love
but only mine

I crush his hands, so proud of what they can do
Incinerate his heart, pluck out his loving eyes
strip the skin from his horrid bones,
his tattoos, framed, on the wall
a triumph of my will

I see my self now, the reflections of my soul
the personalities I learned to control
my emblazoned, passions, not less
cooled, but not, never out, I see
only now what he offered
not what I wanted
but what I needed

Wasted love, wasted life, wasted dreams
a poor, pathetic wrench, bitter is all
at myself and the world
just another reason
to hate the man

of whom I loved once,
with all my heart
my burning self
personal hell, made
from my own cunning
and what I needed to tell myself
so that I could finally be unchained
Jul 2014 · 745
self destruction
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Pain will start to subside
Then grow again
With memories
Like opening a book
And explode anew

Pain begins, grows
never finishing, never lessening
Time has brought me far from childhood scars
I remember each slight, each twist
My mother's strikes, my father's lost
He got away, left me
To her

There were rapes, colored, scribbled
Across my childhood stories
Punishments, my only loving embrace
It was never me, aways" YOU!"
I lay here again, memories aboil
Fear and distrust, all I knew
Again I feel this, abandonment, distrust

I see my present, with her words in my ears
Burning advice, to make me
little and her
My father, so long
How do I judge other men?
So many years of lost
The true, made false
Jul 2014 · 259
Lust
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
I am guilty with lust, it consumes me, draws me and burns my *****
The want is a need that shames my mind, defience to what is pure
this base desire, this physical necessity, I hate that I need it
but succumb to its embrace as he lies next to me, deep in slumber
drifting alone, all too comfortable to be disturbed

My mind plays out fantasies, wrapping myself around him
I know he would even covet my embrace, snuggle close to me
My arms would wrap around him, my legs entwine his
pressing against him, sneak my hand along him, stroke
crafty fingers' speak my fire
tease his dreams to mirror my need

My body yearns, my ache is real, my lips are soft, my need drips
I can feel myself, the warmth of my lion's mouth,
its hunger, its desire to lunge, to grab deep, to ******
to feel his body next to mine, the heat of his desire
to ride, not timid, defient against him
that driving, penetrated, disgusting
urge just to ****

I have my needs, he even encourages, pleads
even complains, he knows my heart
Cannnot, I say, cannot and no
I cannot succumb this is too primative
Too much just flesh, too much

A pleasure that must be denied, not for me to savor
my animal must be leashed, controlled
I will lay here next to him, so close and far
My broken lusting heart, denied once more
It is his fault; men to blame
They punish us all
He sleeps through my pain
Jul 2014 · 542
anguish
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Slippery *****
Down a slide
Oiled with tears
Polished with rage
hot passioned
I cannot stop
Forever,
I ride
Memories of truest love, regret for my part in losing it
Jul 2014 · 267
In Heaven
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
She is me, my mind is myself, a passion unto flame
there is no separation, no glorious difference
between shake and stem, emotion and logic
I have the fire of my soul, and it burns
everyone it touches

The twin of my self, my reflection of soul
watches from that small, cold place,
locked away in my mind; she cries
not screams of rage, but pity
she knows my enslavement
emotionally wounded
perpetually lost

Niether really knows the other; I don't know myself
Rage floods my veins, my mind quickens to hurt
words pour forth before I can stop them
filthy, terrible things that amaze me
If I know it hurts, I say it

He stands there too calm, he takes my bits of wraith
Pauses before speaking; I know my tongue cuts deep
he takes a breathe, speaks again, so calm
this only make my anger worse, fuels it
how can he be so terribly heartless?
how can he not see my pain?

The knife goes in again, sarcasm punches through; I have him
his exterior is shaken; he pauses again: close, so close
He patronizes me; trying to be soothing. I know his lies
I claim torture, cruelity, and punishment on his part
he is, after all enslaving, binding me
punishing all women everywhere; I give him argument,
my spittle; he uses logic, reason

I hate him; his words expose my hyprocracy, a reflective self can see
He turns what I say to nothing, insulting me: fuleing anger
he turns what I say I am against who I know I am
Pointing out my actions as childish,a betrayal
only makes me more angry

I know he loved me, but only now
one last letter, never sent
I found today; I think he
planned this, cruelty
the last word
his last, only
in death

Years have past, I remember this place
in my head, in a memory, in the past
where I was, if I had only known
If I might not have been
If I could have done

Questions drive me to write again, revistit, open unhealed wounds
Years and years, years and years, an almost enlightenment for me
So much time has passed, faded, bleached; I've changed so much
my bitter, tireless resentment, festoned, anchored reality
for making him leave, I created this world for myself
but in one small letter, he made me remember
how much I loved him; he loved me
simply because

He made me remember, how much he cared, loved, cherished & hurt
and let me see all our fights in new, shiney, bright light
by letting me remember something he would never do
let me make choices that would hurt me later
I was too selfish, too much pride

That letter he sent, I found far too, too late
reminded me of pride, our first, sweet night
how I wanted and he denied, he kissed, he waited
for just and only for me, he made me wait
and now he waits again, etheral
You never know the time you have; you never know yourself, except in retrospect. I can only pray others don't let themselves waste themselves for pride.
Jul 2014 · 1.1k
rape
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
crawl
across the gasp
open wide, taste
******* lushiously
open me, take me

lose myself, forget
just a moment, quicken, last
I want it, stretch it, me
pin me, twist me, hold me
I want you, I hate you
need, lust, desire
fire, want, heal

from behind, such a gift
strong, strong hands
grasp, grip, take
hold you deep
power, depth

again and again, again, again
spill, wet, and taste again
me on top, then you again
desperate for love
I love your ****
just for a time
I'll never ask

then its off and away
back to running from
never to, never, no
back in your box
I hate me; man
Jul 2014 · 299
I Did
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
So much of my life is my own fault
I want this, I need that, I, I, I
Rustified, circular logic
so alone, its unfair
deserving no one

He came, brought me to him, took me to him
showed me a bright, thoundering light
I could only, desperately
shy away, turn my eyes
look alway, flinch
at his gentlist touch
turn his words
to lies

This fit my reality, fit my truth
I had to mold him to a pattern
break him, to prove my worth
laugh at his quiet peace
interrupt his turn

intruduce him to my bleak world, pain
misery, sharp, thorned radiators
blame him for my pain
cut him, a razor's
sharpest tongue
my brittle,
poor, dry
self

He is so free, my resentment boils
shouldering responsibility
a firey, solid life
to which, my forfiet
is complete, sold
my pennance

slavery is my only worth, my only lot, its a woman's place
the strings are cables, heavy chains, locking bolts
keeping me safe, its my only precedent
I won't let him, can't trust him
cut me loose, weigh me down
with responsibilities
I have done enough

freedom is not my sorry life, flashing
resentment controls my choice, burns
broken will, regrets, hate, so
I am will, refusal to change
it is all I know

I will cherish and keep it close
for better, for bitter worth
for worse, in wilting sick
and health, such a vow
my marriage shift lost
promises broken
he didn't lie
Jul 2014 · 385
Betrayer of Self
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Is it so hard?
to reach for what you love
to not tip your hat to fate
claw your way out from the cage
its all in your mind anyways, right?

the breadth and depth of mirrors
a broken, twisting, reflection
always looking, falling, back
living for a broken past
making the punishment
the present
unwrapped

Everyone lives their own dark reality
So hard a lesson to learn, myself?
those silly, hated, optimists
realists on their high horses
They only hurt themselves, myself

Its the truest treason, a betrayal even, of the soul
when all it is is a fair, and balanced, and perfect
meal of broken, slivered, and horrible glass
a tongue of sharpest and cruelest diamonds
slicing, cutting, splintering the insides
pinching, twisting your lungs
breaking your heart

Is it so hard?
when you wrote the words yourself?
you build the characters
in your life, in theirs?
not for what they are?
Jul 2014 · 438
Message
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
You are in your box
tucked away in thought
a present to be opened
from someone who
I don't want to know me

You didn't write, you didn't call
I have no envelope, no letter
nothing to savor your touch
I look around this home
where you drifted around
I made you ethereal
I made you fake

You never lied, never lost
where you tried so hard
did you plan for this?
you wanted to trust
I only hiss and bite

Afloat, bouncing along
protected by the bottle
corked, dry, and safe
pulled this way
and that

You kept me safe
but I broke the jar
I broke the glass
Free now
but without a laugh
I can't see land
I can't have hope

scoop me up
take me back
ignore my rage
my words of hate
I'm so scared
fear and lost

I mocked you
Gave you shame
I didn't deserve you
Taught you love
And took it
crumpling
your ink
Jul 2014 · 274
Reprive
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Sleep in its joyous embrace
drifting and warmed by the fire of the dreams
a treasured commodity
worth more than gold
its a happiness that is only broken
by the wasted day approaching
the first thought to break its hold
warmth of the lover's arms
dragging and lost
weighted against my soul
Jul 2014 · 307
Pride
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
My pride is all I have
its my blanket
its all I have left
threadbare
as it is

I have laid my soul
to sleep, gently
behind bars, far
and protected
walled
away

My truest being has been torn
The flower of my love
wilted, in the night
his heart unknown
words, just words

He would tell me so often, three words
it became common place, I know
every morning, drifting, warm
barely awake, but I knew
it couldn't be, couldn't
nothing is true
men lie

He'd speak to me of beauty, mine, I don't understand
the lie was in his voice, I told him, not his eyes
at first he would protest, he believed
then he would say nothing, his eyes
didn't let me see the hurt

I could never read him right
I could never trust him
I fall back on what
I fall back on me
I am right
I know
I am
I

How could he be true, real?
He tells me everything
He knows I don't
Listen anymore
Don't believe

I yearn for freedom
Earned my due
paid my prices
gaping holes,
and scars...
and tears;
I cry

I have my pride, I have my soul
its protected from the world
its protected from him
He cannot be truth
So different

I drove him off, twist his words
because I know I'm right
I know what all men
wants, needs, lusts
not me, not mine
I ignored all the
lies

But what if he was true
what if what he gave
so much, away
but he kept
saying it

I reply with what he hates, twisting
he knows I am lost, his eyes
ridicule his words, his soul
push him, driving him
He'll stop, he'll leave
He stops; leaves
I am pride
Jul 2014 · 193
broken hands
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
I look down upon these hands of mine
long artist's fingers, worn, callused, padded, and harsh
I have wanted, needed to build so much
but they are not up to the task
they are tired, need to rest

I have shouldered a future I do not want
those to care for, those to bow to
I cannot see the future, once so bright
my sight has dimmed, bitter, broken light
a glimmer here, a glimmer there
that all I allow to distract my path

Its a path, thats all I know
sparkles in the distances
Isolated, broken glass is all I'm worth
twisting in a gale, I refuse to change
round and round nothing to change

Is an angel's wings beating my soul?
steel tipped feathers to the bone?
I hear the voices, but I think they lie
the truth is reality, ****** broad
I know my fate, to be alone and bound
my hands, broken, bleeding, cold

I cry, gashing my eyes with tears
this cold, cold world
I made this place,
with broken hands,
my own
Jul 2014 · 284
Anger, Self-inflicted
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Freedom, elusive
beckons, cries
outstretched, grasping
drowning, breath
trivial, caged

this is her life
gave up on her dreams
lost all her hope
throwing away her future
for spite and pride
desperate for life
she thinks she's lost love

she could say
just a word
she could whisper
she'd try
but pride, so fierce

heart, broken
soul, crushed
chains, clasping
caged, safe
straining, lashing
gnashing, fear

her tether, her leash
her safety and the desperate lie
she tells to herself
so secret
(everyone knows)

she clipped her own wings
she can never forgive
she denies her chance
she proves she's right
she is bitter but its true
she needs to be
she adds the steel to her chains

freedom, institutionalized
little, furious
rage, transference
flame, fire
passion, lies

her reality is a child's, a tantrum
her dream's lost; she refuses anything more
her faith is misplaced; it isn't God's
her man's been driven, cast away
her fears driven to reality
her book has been written
she pens the pages herself

crying, wasted
last, desperate
pride, weakness
weakness, soliloquy
feeble, falling

— The End —