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 Sep 2013 The New Kestrel
---
Kaydee Elizabeth Koshenina
I need you to know
That I love you
And I always will.
Welcome to the first poem where I removed lines after writing them...  It won't happen again.
Can I just fade away?
No one will miss me.
They will just carry on with their dull lives.
Studying, working, making money.
Family?
What's family?
What's a friend?
No one cares.
In this money obsessed world,
what would I matter?
Or as my senior says, you have mass, you occupy space. Yes, you matter.
I stand before the mirror, circling everything I wish I could change.
Before long, there's more marks on my body than freckles on my face.
It's funny how you could tell me I'm beautiful, and I'll quickly forget.
But a simple 'you're ugly,' will forever be implanted into my head.
I keep my gaze down in front of strangers, terrified they'll see what I see.
My eyes are two open windows to the doubt and insecurity.
Maybe if I just smile, play along, pretend I'm alright,
nobody will suspect those are my cries they hear at night.
And I can't help but wonder what it's like to be pretty.
To make guys stop and stare, tall, tan, and skinny.
To throw on anything and walk with confidence out the door,
instead of trying on 13 different outfits and wondering why you try for.
Why doesn't God listen to me when I beg him to be someone new?
Just live in another's skin, is that so hard to do?
For a day, that's all I need, I want to see what it's like,
to not be the one who stares at her reflection and cries.
 Sep 2013 The New Kestrel
kenye
Be my constant
like Desmond
and the Island

When you and me
met between nosebleeds
and seizures of consciousness

We looked to the sky
and watched
electromagnetic
explosions

That held our hearts
pumping out supernovas
In their hands
we were Gods
respectively
blowing
Buddha minds
out of proportion
re-enacting
some center stage production
of how we shift our own reality

Subtly
unspoken
devoid of emotions
lost like a lighter
in a smoke circle

Offsetting
the light and darkness

But You were always my constant
again and again
in
flash-backs
flash-forwards
flash-sideways
*We could never escape the timeline
I've been watching Lost on Netflix...
Ahh.
I see you 'blocked' me.
Am I supposed to be hurt?
It just proves that I've affected you.
That I've gotten under your nerves.
I think I have the right to watch you burn
after what you have done to me.
I treated you like a sister,
you stabbed me in the back.
You fake *b---ch
Yeah I don't really like swearing but it was required here.
 Sep 2013 The New Kestrel
---
As I write
I am only just waking up
And I had a dream
That scared me
I don't know why
Perhaps it was a metaphor.
Perhaps unrealistic thoughts jumbled together.
Something had happened
Though I still know not what
And humanity had fallen.
I had found a group of people to be with
You were with me, love
I was so relieved
To have you near me.
Many months passed
Our little group of survivors
Huddled
In dimly lit sewers
Awaiting whatever fate may bring.
When out of the corner of my eye
I saw you walk out
Failing to mention to anyone where
You were going.
I of course went after you
Ignoring my fear of the scattered heaps of machinery
The darkness, movement in the night
And as I ran
I caught a glimpse of you
Seemingly talking to the air
Yelling at it
Asking why it was back to haunt you
After you thought it gone
All this time
And you began running
Screaming
Crying
And I ran after you.

I could no longer see.
But I knew you were there.
I dived and caught you.
I whispered to you that
You are not alone
And you do not have to face things
On your own.
I would give anything
To see you happy.
And suddenly, I was no longer looking through
My eyes.
Just an onlooker
Who happened to see you return
Alone
But it looked like a weight was lifted
An old scar healed
And I think I would've been glad.
Had I still been by your side.
I know not if this means anything
The sheer amount I think about you
The medication freaking out my body
I just know that I feel uneasy
A sense of dread fills me as I write
And I do not know why!
It may be meaningless
But I had to share this.
Sorry if this was weird.  I just was very emotional when I woke up from this and I don't know why.
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