The smiles on my face hardly show whats inside
The laugh
The grin
The slowly fading smile
They show the happiness that i do not possess

This happiness
Created
Morphed
Twisted for the good and satisfaction of others
But inside
The pain and sadness are uncontrollable

Yeah,
I can control the outside
I've learnt that trick
So teachers and friends stop the questions
The reflective comments
Which lead me into a world of pain and sadness
The world where my inside comes out
The world where shrinks and counsellors analyse
Debate
And break the vows of privacy, which they swear to, for our own safety

I'd rather be hurting in silence anyway
I'd rather that than complain
Bringing others down
No need
No point
No reason to upset the people of today
With the problems
Struggles
Battles of my heart and mind

But sooner or later
It always shows
The true feelings of mine
Hidden on a daily basis
Hidden for the protection of others
But eventually they take breathe
Like a drowning whale after a long deep swim

When i'm alone
When i have time to think
And no-one to help me stop
Thats when the pains show themselves
To me
To anyone around that cares
So, to no-one else
Because no-one cares

And so,
Like a prophesied event,
A prophesied lifestyle of choice and regret,
The pain of love
The ever known 'rhetorical'
Just simply wins again

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live every second until you die

Time will pass and new times will come
And things, with time, will mostly fade
The times have passed for millions of years
Why, about this, would you be afraid?

Whether all i have is two days, two weeks,
Or if its still a month or two,
I say i should just live it out
And focus on my love for you

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live EVERY SECOND until you die!

There once was a boy
Who would live day to day,
He tried not to trouble
Anyone on his way,
Whatever he did,
Whatever he'd say,
He only wanted a good time
Doing what he may.

But there was always that group
Who made his time bad,
They took all the fun
And turned it so sad,
He tried telling his mum,
He tried telling his dad,
But they wouldn't listen
To this young bullied lad.

He never went a day
That sad little boy,
Without feeling that he
Was their little punch toy,
He wished every day
He could stay full of joy,
Instead of that Ian,
That Andrew, that Roy.

He wished that they'd stop it,
He wished that they would,
He knew who it was
Even with their black hoods,
They thought they were cool,
They thought they were good,
They pointed and laughed,
I don't know how they could.

They finally stopped it
Everyone could see
They didn't stop it
Because they were sorry,
They only stopped it
Because he let it all free

There that boy crying
That little boy was me.

They called me pathetic
Pathetic for having pity and slight compassion for my enemy
I wanted to ****
But I chose the only way of life
I wanted to harm
But I chose the only way of peace
And this “… really pathetic way …”
Was now against me in two ways
The aggravation of my peers
The twisted thoughts of my own mind
Working together and apart in a way that gives me what I want
Yet what I never want to happen

It turns me inside out and causes pain
Pain which I cannot block with the softness of my skin
But accept with my gut and heart and all that makes me
I want to be free of pain
But sometimes the only way out is just less pain
But always pain
Never happiness
Just less pain than the other way

I’m testing a painless way
But with the help of my friends
It becomes more painful than the painful way
How are these friends that help me into pain
And expect me to take the way that hurts me most
And hurts their friend physically too?
I cant risk causing or creating any pain
Not again

Four years have passed and ive kept my calm
Four years of thinking through
Four years of doing actions that always seek to impress everyone
Even against my own happiness
I’d rather make everyone happy
That way I can be seen as nice and funny
But the way I need to go
The way I am going
I cant be nice and friendly
I know that
But I will stay on the pain freeway
For as long as I can
Until the nearest service station comes and I can
As it were
Grab some help
Before I arrive at my final destination

Turning up
To the point that I need to be avoiding
That’s something I know will happen
And what everyone seems to want to happen
Even the enemies
But little do they know
Little does anyone understand
There will be trouble
Too much trouble to comprehend
And to apologise for after
A way to stop the sorry
Is to stop the action
If I don’t do anything wrong I cant be accused of it

I’m just trying to get by
Even if It means without friends
Without the best parts of my life
I just need to be driving along
And carrying on
For the good of everyone else
Even my enemies

And they call me pathetic

The perfect closing of her eyes
As she leans to start the kiss
And as it starts, I start to think
I’ll never forget this

So long my hearts been controlling
As ive wanted to make a move
And now this randomly happens
Her lips so soft and so smooth

Her head was bobbing up and down
To make the kiss last so long
I would have said the perfect kiss
I couldn’t have been more wrong

The only flaw to this great kiss
That tears my heart into three
Is that through all this wondrous time
She was kissing him, not me

As I sit here in a room full of students
I watch and observe all the conversations they make
Some are working, and some are chatting nicely
Some in general gossip and others about loves mistake

I can distinguish the difference between each conversation
I can hear the voices separating the football from the flirt
But yet, it all seems to be one big mix of noise
That reminds me of some type of global dirt

These voices and conversations gather around my head and ears
The silent whizzing of noise has hold of my mind
Instead of shouting “stop”, and joining their noise
I slowly put on my headphones, just to be kind

As I mask the sound of gossip, love and sport
I focus more on the noises which I have chosen to be played
The clashing of drums, the tinkering piano and flute
With un-matching vocal of how enemies should be slayed

As I listen to this song, I focus on the room around me
Everyone that was here before was still here
The gossiping groups were still laughing and joking
And the heart-struck teen still shedding a tear

The difference in this was that it seemed silent as space
As if they had all taken part in an unrehearsed mime
Uncontrolled, unordered, so random, yet so distinctly real
Hidden behind my music for this moment in time

As the song slowly came to an end and switched onto the next
That 2 seconds that accompanied my timeless zone
I heard the blur of their previous chatter and talk
The world had continued, and I’d been left alone

I’d been taken from the world I knew for a brief moment
And as I felt like this new silent world wasn’t true
My next song of chattering metals and drumrolls started
This world had returned to me and it was new.

I didn’t know how to react to this realisation
Of a different dimension that my music sends.
How long until I’d figure out where I am?

I guess I’ll have to wait until this song ends.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if any of this is worth it any more
I’ll sit and think of the bad times that have been
Usually think about the bad time that is happening
And I’ll always think of the bad times to come

It used to be times of golden happiness
Times of gladness and times less vain
But now it seems to be times of suffering
Of regret and now of pain