The only reason you bullied her
was because you didn't think she was beautiful
because you thought your definition of beauty
was the same as everyone else's
because beautiful to you
was twig thin
model skinny
thigh gap legs
perfect skin
long blonde hair
baby blue eyes
no freckle face
perfect cheekbones
and a nice pretty smile
that was beautiful to you
but that's not what beautiful means to everybody
because there are so many beautiful things
outside of the models in the magazines
beautiful flaws like stretch marks
freckles
dimples
gap tooth teeth
thick thighs
curly hair
brown coffee colored eyes
chubby cheeks
acne prone skin
and chunky stomachs
everyone has their own definition of beautiful
so just because something is not beautiful to you
doesn't mean its not beautiful to someone else

you've always wanted to change your appearance
you were never happy with your natural beauty
and you were always envious
of my dyed hair and clothing style
but the thing you didn't know was
i changed my hair and t-shirts
when something big changes around me
i dyed my hair turquoise during my starving days
when only fruits filled my hollow cheeks
and when i got better it went back to natural
i dyed my hair red during the recovery
from slicing my wrist and missing my friend
and i shaved away half my hair
to remove of some negative thoughts
but you don't know that I've dyed it again
i dyed it blue after we ended our friendship
to remind myself that everything will be okay
that you will be perfectly fine
you were always envious of my hair
and you were planning to dye it last time we talked
i won't know if you do
but if we pass each other at the store
we wont recognize each others faces
because we wont look past our hair

i always question
where we will be
3 years from now
me and mia will be seniors
and you will be already graduated
you and i will be applying for art school i hope
and mia will be applying for science school
and maybe we will be planning for the apartment
i hope we are still close
i think we will but theres always the possibility of loss
i hope we are all mentally okay
we all deal with mental illnesses
and i hope we are all helping each other through them
i hope everything goes well for us
because i see you guys as my future
and i hope you guys too
i hope you guys want the future to go well
as much as i do at least

i walk into the kitchen
to the smell of mornings when you were alive
and it brings tears to my eyes
and a head full of memories
it reminds me of salty eggs
and letter shaped pancakes
it shatters my heart
cause that's the first time i've smelt that
in over two years
cause you stopped cooking when you got sick
and then the pancakes and eggs weren't there
so there was no warm kitchen
just stress of doctors and death
but i walked into the kitchen at 7 pm on a thursday
and i could've closed my eyes
and still imagined you there

there once was a girl
who raised herself
and spent her days
reading all alone
she became interested
in only the words
for no on else
ever could be
there for her
cause she was
always alone
and that's how she lived
surrounded by words
and alone forever

you would never think
that you and i had a past
the way we pass each other in the hall
without even looking
or even realizing that the other is there
if you didn't know us
who we used to be
you wouldn't know
that he and i
we used to be best friends
and then we lost it all
we lost the connection
or maybe it was never there
but we thought it was
but anyone who sees us now
will never know that we have history
that we used to spend weekends and road trips together
because when we pass in the hall
there is no eye contact
or any spark of interest
just a memory of our history

day after day
i promised you
i would never leave
now as i sit alone
broken and shattered
i wish i had asked you
to promise me too