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 Nov 2019 Tessa F
Mike Hauser
i think we took the wrong turn

which in turn turned us around

i'f we'd stayed the right course

we never would have found

the difficulty in living

adds measure to the strength

and if it weren't for mending

we'd never have that need
 Nov 2019 Tessa F
J
If I could sob onto the paper (or the screen)
And it could let out even a piece of what I'm feeling
I would do it
How have I been writing these poems for 4 years?
How have I been struggling for so long?
Why am I not better?
Just last night
It was on the tip of my tongue
I want to die

I cant quite explain the feeling
But it's like my mind is on a tether
My strange little brain is a balloon on a string
And when the panic attacks come
I'm being filled too full with helium
Ready to pop and explode inside my skull
Or perhaps
Ready to just float away
Gone forever
Never to return

It's that feeling that scares me the most
Knowing that there is only a tiny little bit needed
To push me to that pop!
To cut away my string
So I can explode and create carnage inside this constricting skull of mine
Or so I can float away, away, away, away
Would everyone ask where I went?
"She went to the loony bin"
Is what the answer feels like

You feel it too
Last night
You asked if I should call a hotline
You've never said that before
In that moment, I could almost see it
See the snap
See me chained to a bed, an iv in one arm
Sedated sedated sedated at last
Floating on those puffy grey clouds
Maybe then everything could stop feeling so sickly neon green and tangerine yellow
Nasty colors making up a mind filled with sicky sickness

I'm sick
But not from allergies
I'm very ill
But it's not food poisoning
I can't come to work today
Because I'll be busy rocking myself in a corner
I need someone to take my temperature
If only I could stop my hands from shaking, from hitting
I'm worried it might be contagious
I can't imagine how anyone could put up with this

How do you explain that feeling of your brain wanting to climb out of your head?
How do you stop it when it finally decides to do it?
What will happen to me if I let myself snap?
If I let myself float away?
Can I last another 22 years like this?
 Oct 2015 Tessa F
fdg
today i dreamed that you were ******* me
and then i fell back asleep and dreamed i was ******* myself
and this girl down the hall was saying "it was just middle school"
as everyone looked at her scars and I was thinking
wow I'm glad I thought it through and only cut myself on my legs and hips because who would want the attention of ******* wrists
and it really was just in the past,
then this girl named maria tried to relate saying oh her boyfriend accidentally cut himself when he was drunk trying to cut pizza
so the blonde one said, "that's not really the same thing"
and I continued sitting on the floor, thinking
who the **** are these people
thinking her scars seemed awfully small, does she ever feel embarrassed that they're not bigger,
thinking wow why did I think that, that's not appropriate at all
but if they were on her wrist anyway-
and self-harm isn't cutting pizza
or comparable with scar size
self-harm is just the embarrassing middle-school *******
we're stuck living with
and when you can't see the scars,
it's still in the back of your head when the girl with the big glasses says, "wow that's so sad"
and the girl says,
"no it's okay, it was all in the past."
 Oct 2015 Tessa F
Mike Hauser
i found the perfect garden spot

to spread the ashes of my heart

all in the hopes that it would grow

rows and rows of forget-me-nots
 Sep 2015 Tessa F
brooke
8:23 pm
 Sep 2015 Tessa F
brooke
you stopped talking to me
because you landed yourself
a girlfriend, but didn't tell me
so I went three months wondering
why you never responded to that
one text, after weeks of hearing
you talk about how you were
going to move to Colorado
and, I dunno, I'm kind of
mad about it because
her name is Joy
and my name
is Brooke and
she falls in blonde
tendrils and, well,


I don't.
(c) Brooke Otto 2015

can't escape instagram.
 Sep 2015 Tessa F
Mike Hauser
Would you like to trade
With me for just one day
I'll take what you have
And you can take my place
It might do us good
To bring about a change
If we traded places
For a single day

I'll take all your problems
And you take all of mine
We might find the answers
If given enough time
It's easier sometimes to see
From a different side
From another perspective
From another's life

Then we both can trade back
When it is we're done
Perhaps apologize
If we did each other wrong
I'm sure it would open up our eyes
To a lot that's going on
Teach us much about ourselves
All the do's and don'ts

A little give, a little take
If we decide to trade
I'm not saying forever
But just for today
Give ourselves if nothing else
That much needed break
So what do you say
Do you want to trade
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