I'm done
I'm tired of it
I'm tired of chasing you
I'm tired of acting like having you would mean I have everything
50% of marriages end in divorce
and people might use that to describe a decaying nation
or use it as irony in a gay marriage debate
but that's not what I see
I see 50% and I think that love is a myth
I see 50% and I think about all the " I do's"
that were supposed to mean forever
but only meant right now
50%
50 ******* percent
that's a coin flip

I regret everything.
75. I decide it is time to find her.
I do.
She is dead.
74.
73.
72. I think about her all the time.
72. A commercial comes on and I see a lady with blonde hair.
71.
70. My son's wife left him.
If this isn't confirmation I don't know what is.






34. it's a beautiful
33. I pay a woman to be the surrogate of my child.
I decide being a better father than mine will make life worth it.
32.
31.
30.
29. I decide to make a change.
28. I tried to **** myself but the rope broke.
27. Nothing
26.
25.
24. I couldn't
24. I wasn't listening .
24. Something about work or her mother or something
24. She declines
24.  I propose
23. She changed me I can't believe it.
22. I can't live without her.
21. She's perfect
20. I meet a girl.
19.
18.
17.
16. My father left yesterday.
My mother tries to explain love to me.
I don't think she knows what she's saying anymore
Love must not be real
15.
14.
13.
12.
11. I got an A
My father is in AA
I'm happier about the second.
10. I asked Tommy if his Dad drank and he said yes.
But I don't think he knew what I was talking about.
I can't imagine his dad wakes up in bile
and *****
and his own ****
once a week.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4. I love being held.
I'm too old for it but I cry when I'm put down.
It don't care as long as I'm picked up.
3. Santa is the coolest he gives me gifts and presents.
And I know those are the same thing but I'm just too excited.
2.
1.
0.

Don't focus on it
Don't sleep on it
Don't meditate on it
Don't anything on it

Just let it happen
Just let it go
Just let things run their course
Just experience

Stay calm
Stay smart
Stay safe
Stay aware

I tell myself this every time
but I don't listen
I think it's different
I probably isn't
but I guess eventually it will be
and when that comes
I'd hate to say
I didn't focus as the train came

I wonder if he'll shoot me                         I wonder if he'll shoot me
because I'm white                                       because I'm black
and he's black                                             and he's white
I'm just doing my job                                 I'm just doing my job
providing for my family                            providing for family
It has nothing to do with him                   it has nothing to do with him
is he reaching for a gun?                           is he reaching for a gun?
SHOOT                                                        SHOOT

You said there would be a next time
and in that moment I wondered if there wouldn't be
and there wasn't
is that my doing
or was it all inevitable
did there have to be a next time
that wouldn't occur
it was never going to end easily
so what if it just never ended
what if by next time
you didn't mean next week
or next year
but sometime down the road
if there's always a next time
then nothings truly over right?
It's amazing the lack of finality in it all
I just can't let it end
I'm obsessed with writing story book endings
with characters I know all to well
Happily ever after isn't an ending
it's a cop out
nothing ever ends well
that doesn't make sense
if something was so great why should it end
which leaves two possibilites
A it was never that great to begin with
or
B it hasn't truly ended yet
My heart wishes it was B
but my mind knows it's A
which *****
it does
do you think the eiffel tower was the first thing the french came up with
there must have been other suggestions right?
other options
that didn't allude to that great big beautiful tower
i'm getting drawn into the abstract
but the point stands
the eiffel tower is an iconic message
but at a time it was nothing
just an idea behind an idea
maybe nothing is what we want it to be
maybe we build our own diorama's and view life how we see fit
it would make sense
you see what you want
but if you turn around you'll see the world for what it is
not the candy coated box where you dwell
but an open room where objects lay where they lay
for no other reason than that they lay
I'll never be perfect
I know that
but I think I'll always try to perfect my world
make it better... for me of course but the nobility is just in it's own right
you're too random
you don't fit the script
so maybe you should have never read lines
in the first place