My chest feels heavy
my thoughts cement it
ribs crack lungs punctured
deep breath

my body is swaying
try to walk straight
knees buckle hands shake
another step

eyes sting from salty tears
as I try to wipe them away
mascara runs lips quiver
hold it

I can't sleep till morning
closing eyes but not mind
twist and turn
no dreams

I start to drown from silence
my own words are no comfort
memories feelings
empty myself


quiet.

I was someone else
different

today I am
alone

no peace in this silence
no wage in this war

tormented shadows
my shadow
a bit darker than usual

the sun was
brighter
5 days ago...

How can you forgive me,
when I cannot forgive myself
I'm sitting here
uncomfortable in this skin
my skin
our skin touched, fire
How can I be your fire
when our love has stopped burning
I am alone here
nothing but ash, my ash
the remains of our love
How does my heart still beat without you
I don't know how much longer I can wait
although I'll wait forever
till our forever
you said I was your forever
I never thought one person could change me
inside out
yet my heart is still on my sleeve
while yours, sits in a safe
give me the key please
your key
your heart
my heart is yours
deeply connected forever
perfectly imperfect as we
balance each other
I want no other
ever
ever
my heart and soul will not allow it

word gets around
when you've slept with the town
I can't have the ****** morals
of a man?
she's a *****
how can you name someone
you don't know?

people talk
I just want to be loved
is that so terrible?
that I bring myself down so low
to be with him
them
someone

guess I shouldn't *******
on the first night
gives you the impression
that I'm easy
but I'm just sad
then I hate myself even more
after you finish and I lay there

you should leave
I don't wanna look at you
but don't leave me without
a kiss
don't leave me
please
please
don't leave

I try to control it
I am shaking
my teeth grinding
and something worse than my anger
flows through my veins
it pulses and pushes
tearing and splitting
all that is my sanity

I ******* loose it

even your voice strikes it
like a match awaiting spark
then my lungs need more air
than I can possibly breathe
and my knuckles turn white
wanting to burst out of my skin

I ******* hate those memories

*why can't I let them go?

How many pills does it take?
for death to be my fate
this routine
makes me scream
woe is me
but really
woe is me

wake up tired
fight through the day
as if its hard to do nothing
fight these thoughts
die

go to sleep wide awake
thinking still
haunting
another day wasted
sweet coma
come

this routine will be
the end of me
whatever is left of me
what is left?

courage to live
or courage to end it
as if that's ******* brave!
it's weak
but I feel I can't
grow any weaker

I
Can't
          Feel

it's as if
I don't know
any other way to cope
to deal
I just want to
take the blade to my skin

like it solves everything
right?

only a little blood
only a small scar
only a constant reminder
of being ******* WEAK

I'm choking on my own breath
trying to fight this urge

oh God help me

I want to give in so bad
I'm so weak
I'm weak.

dive down deeper then deep
fall
fa-fa-fa-fall


embrace the impact

crash of
your body
            and
                   the water
                           the surge of bubbles
                         the mountains of ripples

gulp
gasp
grab for air

the water turns to fire
in your lungs

fading
into the black
of the sea

take me away
tuck me under the grains of sand
burry my soul

the innocence

of the intial jump
the first foot off the ledge

I have to hold my heart from coming out of my chest
I need to realize that I can't treat this time like the rest
need to change the patterns and let go of the mess
stitch up the wounds and think about it less
I'm always stepping into puddles that turn as deep as the ocean
always asking myself can others feel deep devotion?
I'm scared but still walking the smallest step at a time
although my emotions fly out without me even trying
always falling so fast and trusting to soon
pushing all away with fear, leaving me to consume
over thinking, over bearing, God, I can't stand my mind
why can't I take breather?, just a minute would be fine
but if I have no hope then I'll awlays be in darkness
And I can't let myself go there again cause I made myself a promise
I just have to keep my head up, even though my heart is on a sleeve
keep a smile, cause if I give up now, when will I ever believe?

You are still a thought
a picture
a memory
that crosses my mind

Time does heal but
does not erase
does not forget
things like your touch

I guess I can't let go like you
did so quick
replaced in flash
so it left a sting

I keep moving
on
pushing and waiting
for something better

I look forward to the day
I release all this
open to a new
me

without you
without your 'love'
your smile
without all that kept me holding

Why do we grow up..
why do we all change
things were so simple, now they're so strange
high was on a swing
and love had no sting
nightmares weren't real and dreams not so distant
who knew it was like this
hurt was temporary, healed by a kiss
stories had happy endings, never a twist
two plus two was four, nothing more
now one plus one makes hearts come undone
scars and bruises were accidents
never ones own wish
there was only light, darkness
was hidden quickly and forgotten soon
the sun was a gift and you saw the man on the moon
memories never held you back or kept breath from your heart
it was so together, to grow and fall a part
new eyes for this world, a tougher soul
I never thought it'd be so **** cold

I have this desire to slowly tear apart
a small sliver of skin
slowly entrancing me
the once blue blood hits oxygen
then turns a radiant red
it trickles down I see

with the tiny piece of metal
that glitters so bright
shaped so perfectly for me
I invite my insides out
come out
I call to set them free

and I never can forget
when I make this choice
I'll have the memory
a beautiful reminder
a faint pink scar upon my skin
shows ever so slightly

I love that glow you get in your body from taking a sip
That burn in your chest
Music feels better
Conversation flows
You’re a super hero
Until you’re not.

the ocean
vast nothingness
dark waves
crash and receed
dive into me
make me feel
not so
*empty

Men
are like french delicacies..

I've never understood
them

I smile
as I hold back tears
I'm silent
cause if I speak, I'd choke
I sit by the fire
even though it doesn't warm me
I breathe
even though my lungs fight it
somehow, there is the smallest bit
of strong will
I can
I am
living with out you

Someday
my prince
     will ***..

and then so will I.

can you just **** my brains out
and pretend to love me?
I'd greatly appreciate the distraction
the feeling of being wanted
your affection
DEVOUR ME PLEASE
make me feel
anything

anything but this brokeness
this twisted ****

do anything you want to me
just need me
need me
need me
need me

**** the pain away
till I'm numb
till I bleed
till words ceast to exist

cause I can't stand these thoughts
**** me into oblivion

I don't want to care anymore
I don't care anymore

I drive you to drink
you drive me to
suicide
thoughts anyway
dramatic right?
you pick the best times
to kick me when I'm
DOWN
you are no wall I can lean on
I ******* despise you
right now anyway
I hate how angry you can make me
I want CONTROL
to control my own pain
I would hurt myself
pain: a distraction from
the pain you caused me
at least I could stop it
make it last
bleed
****
I ******* HATE YOU
I'm crying
I want to scream
I have these dreams of losing control
they have to hold me back
I want to lose all control
this house is not a home
home is me alone
and yet I'm lonely
I can't even keep up
on this energy
to ******* hating you

I am not naive
but I see good in everybody
I wish
I dream
my heart is on my sleeve
I am alone with the world
with you
I feel you
your thoughts
pain
your energy
it surges through me
it drains me
but I am always open
never closed
I will always help
stranger or friend
I have been broken
but I still trust
too quick but I feel I must
No I am not naive
this world is beautiful
I must believe

I don't want you to leave me
but I know the pain is restricting you
and I know all you want is peace
I'm so scared for you to go
but I know you'll always be near
just know the older I got
the more I held your words so dear
I hope when you get to heaven
they have a big ranch in the sky
just like your home in all its glory
but even more with angels by your side
I promise to make you proud
and I know I'll see you again
You weren't just my grandfather
you were also a true friend
and even though you were stubborn
and always had your way
I will always have the greatest love
for you each and every day

and I heard the song you sang
but  
I never understood the hidden meaning
such a fool, I was
to be decieved
by your lingering voice

pounding in my temples
incessant painful pounding
makes me grind my teeth
clench my fists
this fury starts in my stomach
rises
spreads like roots, germs, lies
into my lungs
my heart
it takes anchor
heavy
cemented
with each inhale
it all worsens
the  P O U N D I N G
  the  SPREADING
    the  **CEMENTING

I have to write
write
or I will fall
take the blade
it will fall into my skin
I wish to slice my chest
rip out my heart
what has it done!
what good
I wish the curb was a cliff
so I could gracefully step off
and fly
my hair whirling around my face
eyes closed
then the end
I wish my cigarette was a poison
I could inhale
exhale toxic lies
be still
be finished
I have to write
write

all over my body
all these bruises
from falling
in lust
not love

they cover me entirely
every inch of my skin
I can't hide
that I fall
too quickly

and they make those bruises
from love making
*******
it means nothing
I'm covered in bruises

I let this feeling sit inside me
this sharp emotion
worsening with each breath
anxiety
sorrow
bits of fiery rage

I don't dwell on it
but I let it sit and grow
doing nothing to ease this ache
I feel it physically

the dark thoughts dance
shadows in my mind
you could just....
just a little....
just...

where is this line
they call mind over matter
heart over head
where is this strength
that people see in me

because I feel so weak
so I'll just sit here
and let this feeling grow
I hope the shadows fade
who knows....

the shadows became people

street signs were dancing

lights flickered

focus
It's nothing...

then there she was
right in my headlights
my foot pressing the pedal
mind in a daze

short breath

she's gone

she was nothing

You're so beautiful
                                 when
                                           you
                                                   lie

lie here with me
                              tell me
                                         I'm everything
                                                                  you need
lets play pretend
                             love me
                                      **** me
                                                  hate me
tell me
              I
                  am
                         beautiful

I was *****
I am not a victim any longer
I was *****
And I have redemption
I was *****
And my God is bigger
Than anything or feelings I want to hide
I was *****
And I feel sad for them
for reap what they sow
I was *****
Father forgive them for they do not know

I want to die
and I feel like that's a normal feeling
a normal feeling
an emotion
a daily passing
but it's not
it isn't 'supposed' to be

in my dreams, my nightmares
I want to die
and its normal
it's a normal feeling
and I hate it
just as much
as I do right now

death is a normal thing
dying is normal
hate is normal
pills are normal
blood is normal
poison is normal
mania is normal
toxic is normal

I'm choking
I'm choking on what I'm supposed to be
?lamron m'i

to feel skin
on my skin
finger tips
trail down my body
follow the curves
lips touch lips
I have such a craving
a need
for human affection
I want to feel bliss
You're rugged hands on my hips
the urgent need to kiss
give me all
fufill my wish
touch me
taste me

love me
somebody...

ah ****
I'm dreaming again

I should wake up
but it feels so good
hmm.....

always to quickly,
I close my eyes

drunk with emotion
and passion
and hope



don't wake me up.

you'd walk right through my mind
and out my heart
leaving a open wound
bleeding through out the day
the image and story line
again and again
the dream catcher
over my head
hanging above my bed
the dream catcher
you gave me
you haunt me
let me go
cause I can't let you go
alone
feels like forever
I took it down
maybe now
I won't see you
unless I want to
less than a memory
more than a feeling
and yet its not you that I miss
it's.....then
I miss then
you were just a part of 'then'

And so it rains
As we wipe away our tears
What we thought was the past
comes back
Not as ghosts
but as living creatures
Smiling
Laughing
Screaming
Scratching
at our faces
Pausing for a brief moment
It all comes back...

yes, some days I can get up
be normal, get dressed
be pretty, smile

some days
but not all

other days
I seem to be... paralyzed
starting with my heart
can't move
don't care to

those days
stretch time to unimaginable lengths
as far as thee eye can see
misery

today
I wish for tomorrow

The anxiety is cutting me deep
Yet intravenously they can put me to sleep
The idea of a needle in my hands makes me ill
Nothing seems to help anymore, no prescription nor pill
My body aches, longs for numbness, for real rest and ease
My mind is constantly racing and leaping, worsened by this disease
The affliction, a full circle, bringing me back to square one
Could I take back all I've started, undo who I've become?
Is this really making stronger for I've never felt so weak?
God please see me, because I know, blessed are meek.

I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

I am simply a vessel,
a container for rage
fear
a subject to test

I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

Where the **** is my mind?
Am I lost between space and time?
I don't know you-
You look strange to me
familiar eyes but a different story I see
new scars and troubles, new hatred and pain
Who are you-
Have you no name?
familiar mouth but no smile
new memories, same trial
you're a stranger, I'm afraid
you wear discomfort as if you've been betrayed
Where the **** is your mind!?
are you lost between what is you and I?

it's a phase
but I feel it's a disease
isn't there something that can cure me?


anything
please

The first stream of ribbons
Ecstasy
Again I must have it
Another not so seamlessly
But the hue of red trickles down
No ecstasy...
again
again
The delicate razor glides effortlessly
again
again
Tiny ribbons for only me to see.

I let them lay me down
take a piece of me
forever-
it is gone

and I am searching
for affection
yeah, that's what I call it

shower it off
like it will rid me the memory
like the shame will go down
down the drain

tell myself, it's okay
maybe it meant something
no
don't lie
shh it's okay, don't cry

I lay myself down
give away a piece of me
I let them take it
it's gone.

And I keep trying
to have hope
faith
something
anything

my hands are open
waiting to grasp
you
someone
anyone

but then the clouds come
they
cover me
completely
utterly

then the rain starts
so quickly
haunting
pouring
screaming

ugh, what a cliche
just me
all alone
in the rain
sweet rain