I love that glow you get in your body from taking a sip
That burn in your chest
Music feels better
Conversation flows
You’re a super hero
Until you’re not.

The first stream of ribbons
Ecstasy
Again I must have it
Another not so seamlessly
But the hue of red trickles down
No ecstasy...
again
again
The delicate razor glides effortlessly
again
again
Tiny ribbons for only me to see.

I was *****
I am not a victim any longer
I was *****
And I have redemption
I was *****
And my God is bigger
Than anything or feelings I want to hide
I was *****
And I feel sad for them
for reap what they sow
I was *****
Father forgive them for they do not know

The anxiety is cutting me deep
Yet intravenously they can put me to sleep
The idea of a needle in my hands makes me ill
Nothing seems to help anymore, no prescription nor pill
My body aches, longs for numbness, for real rest and ease
My mind is constantly racing and leaping, worsened by this disease
The affliction, a full circle, bringing me back to square one
Could I take back all I've started, undo who I've become?
Is this really making stronger for I've never felt so weak?
God please see me, because I know, blessed are meek.

Each step aches
Pushing through mud like molasses
Just to get where I'm going
Just a breath
A moment of reprieve
But this, this is pain's space and time
Not mine
Days feel like months
My temple crumbling around me
Wavering and frail, even the wind shakes me
This is pain's time, not mine
The more I fight, the worse I feel
So I lay down my angry heart
In defeat, I have failed.

And so it rains
As we wipe away our tears
What we thought was the past
comes back
Not as ghosts
but as living creatures
Smiling
Laughing
Screaming
Scratching
at our faces
Pausing for a brief moment
It all comes back...

One thousand more times I could try
It'd all be same
The damage the Crimson the pain the rage!
All of the fighting up to come down swallowing what I call sane
You'll never see clearly till I force this upon you
Till you feel this ******* disease
You'll never feel as sick as I do
Swallow these pills one by one and still feel no release
Let them diagnose you. Hold you against your ******* will
You're no human you disgust me
Add another ingredient to the list for your brain bleed.
******* and **** your thoughts
Survival is my only friend!
And even though I'll probably live, let me choose my end!

I'm just supposed to let it go
let you throw it all away
be okay
I can't fight anymore
I've fought enough for myself
so keep walking, close the door
I've been through too much already
I know what I need
can't you see what mistake your blindly making?
I'm sure there will be more tears
but for now I am numb
I have conquered too much already, no more fears
I just don't understand how you said to me,  I love you
were you telling the truth, I don't regret it though
because yeah, at the time, I needed you too
I still haven't said goodbye
I feel I cant, I don't know how
I don't even want to try
I'm sure it will be easy for you to say it
I don't want to hear it though
maybe then the real pain will hit
and I can heal and be done
let you go and be okay
breathe in a deep breath
because you wanted to throw it all away

Shards of glass
broken
my mirror
my page
rage
the critic has won
you're such a *****
so ******* me
*******
yeah right
they are just words
they are just my deepest emotions
my scars
my battle wounds
my story
my violence
their violence
her story
your story
your knuckles are bleeding
by the way
just words...

oh my gasp
how much longer can I last
with out your touch
I am
craving
ca
   ca
       ca
           ca
               crrrraving
                                 the affection
I'll show you the direction
put your hands on me
become a savage beast
bite my lip and feel please
I'm only human, feed me
feed my hunger, my disease
feed me
feed me
touch me touch me
kiss me love me bite me **** me
I need your skin

I have to write
write
or I will fall
take the blade
it will fall into my skin
I wish to slice my chest
rip out my heart
what has it done!
what good
I wish the curb was a cliff
so I could gracefully step off
and fly
my hair whirling around my face
eyes closed
then the end
I wish my cigarette was a poison
I could inhale
exhale toxic lies
be still
be finished
I have to write
write

I let this feeling sit inside me
this sharp emotion
worsening with each breath
anxiety
sorrow
bits of fiery rage

I don't dwell on it
but I let it sit and grow
doing nothing to ease this ache
I feel it physically

the dark thoughts dance
shadows in my mind
you could just....
just a little....
just...

where is this line
they call mind over matter
heart over head
where is this strength
that people see in me

because I feel so weak
so I'll just sit here
and let this feeling grow
I hope the shadows fade
who knows....

it's so much easier to get hurt
to expect disappointment
just show me pain
I know what that feels like
just show me you are no better
because I'm no better
I know how to hurt
I can deal with it
just **** it all up
but do it sooner than later please
it will feel all the same
my heart knows no difference
JUST **** IT ALL UP
I'm scared
because you'll just disappoint  me
you'll just hurt me
please don't
don't hurt me

I want to die
and I feel like that's a normal feeling
a normal feeling
an emotion
a daily passing
but it's not
it isn't 'supposed' to be

in my dreams, my nightmares
I want to die
and its normal
it's a normal feeling
and I hate it
just as much
as I do right now

death is a normal thing
dying is normal
hate is normal
pills are normal
blood is normal
poison is normal
mania is normal
toxic is normal

I'm choking
I'm choking on what I'm supposed to be
?lamron m'i

pounding in my temples
incessant painful pounding
makes me grind my teeth
clench my fists
this fury starts in my stomach
rises
spreads like roots, germs, lies
into my lungs
my heart
it takes anchor
heavy
cemented
with each inhale
it all worsens
the  P O U N D I N G
  the  SPREADING
    the  **CEMENTING

I wanna taste the curve of her lips
so juicy
look at her
just standing there
she invites everyone in
with those eyes
and that wicked grin

she'll let me taste her
all of her
devour
and I'll look up into those eyes
and give her a wicked grin.

They've said, it's like drowning..
but you can see everyone else around you breathing
and nobody knows you're drowning

but for me, I know
everyone can see me drowning
I know they do
I can see it in their eyes
they don't know what to do

their words are empty
they look at me like an abomination
as if its it my fault I'm this way

Why can't you just snap out of it?
You just need to change your ways
as if it were that simple
just a pill
just a magic trick

they're scared because I've stopped pretending
that I'm okay
I can see it in their eyes
they don't know what to do

what can they do?

How many pills does it take?
for death to be my fate
this routine
makes me scream
woe is me
but really
woe is me

wake up tired
fight through the day
as if its hard to do nothing
fight these thoughts
die

go to sleep wide awake
thinking still
haunting
another day wasted
sweet coma
come

this routine will be
the end of me
whatever is left of me
what is left?

courage to live
or courage to end it
as if that's ******* brave!
it's weak
but I feel I can't
grow any weaker

I
Can't
          Feel

it's as if
I don't know
any other way to cope
to deal
I just want to
take the blade to my skin

like it solves everything
right?

only a little blood
only a small scar
only a constant reminder
of being ******* WEAK

I'm choking on my own breath
trying to fight this urge

oh God help me

I want to give in so bad
I'm so weak
I'm weak.

I have to hold my heart from coming out of my chest
I need to realize that I can't treat this time like the rest
need to change the patterns and let go of the mess
stitch up the wounds and think about it less
I'm always stepping into puddles that turn as deep as the ocean
always asking myself can others feel deep devotion?
I'm scared but still walking the smallest step at a time
although my emotions fly out without me even trying
always falling so fast and trusting to soon
pushing all away with fear, leaving me to consume
over thinking, over bearing, God, I can't stand my mind
why can't I take breather?, just a minute would be fine
but if I have no hope then I'll awlays be in darkness
And I can't let myself go there again cause I made myself a promise
I just have to keep my head up, even though my heart is on a sleeve
keep a smile, cause if I give up now, when will I ever believe?

ah ****
I'm dreaming again

I should wake up
but it feels so good
hmm.....

always to quickly,
I close my eyes

drunk with emotion
and passion
and hope



don't wake me up.

can you just **** my brains out
and pretend to love me?
I'd greatly appreciate the distraction
the feeling of being wanted
your affection
DEVOUR ME PLEASE
make me feel
anything

anything but this brokeness
this twisted ****

do anything you want to me
just need me
need me
need me
need me

**** the pain away
till I'm numb
till I bleed
till words ceast to exist

cause I can't stand these thoughts
**** me into oblivion

I don't want to care anymore
I don't care anymore

how can you cause me so much pain?
it's almost been a year now
so much has changed
your name rarely passes my lips
but I am always dreaming about you
my last thought of the night
my first thought when I wake

always


you said always..

the weight of my burdens
prayers of them being lifted
the depth of my scars
stories turned into glorification
I am unworthy of your name
I've cursed you and forsaken you
I tried to fight it all on my own
only to be shown this battle
was one of many -
a war against myself
pushing away your open arms
please God
forgive me for being so foolish
I know you can change this
this empty feeling
praise you and your hand
so graciously healing
I am so undeserving
and yet you love me
all of me
the indistinct grey matter of nothing
my dark
and because of you
my light

I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

I am simply a vessel,
a container for rage
fear
a subject to test

I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

dive down deeper then deep
fall
fa-fa-fa-fall


embrace the impact

crash of
your body
            and
                   the water
                           the surge of bubbles
                         the mountains of ripples

gulp
gasp
grab for air

the water turns to fire
in your lungs

fading
into the black
of the sea

take me away
tuck me under the grains of sand
burry my soul

the innocence

of the intial jump
the first foot off the ledge

these words like daggers
that you throw around
piercing the flesh
and soul

you must not know your own strength
because you can move a mountain
you can break the bend
remold a heart

all with these words
these tragic words

only some understand
these letters... can move you
these words...can change you
a sentence... can wound you

only some see the invisible force
that you can make crumble and decay

you haven't felt it
your own words
like daggers

you'd walk right through my mind
and out my heart
leaving a open wound
bleeding through out the day
the image and story line
again and again
the dream catcher
over my head
hanging above my bed
the dream catcher
you gave me
you haunt me
let me go
cause I can't let you go
alone
feels like forever
I took it down
maybe now
I won't see you
unless I want to
less than a memory
more than a feeling
and yet its not you that I miss
it's.....then
I miss then
you were just a part of 'then'

Turn the white moon red
flood it
with darkness
fire atop water
but only
with the oil
the bond
It holds us
seals us
burning and drowning
turning our moon
blood red
and our own will
we bow to it
worship it
the choices that create it
we dance to our own sad death
yes you will succumb
its most alluring to the eye
the pleasure in the pain
join us
help us
we will scream with punctured lungs
**TILL THE MOON BLEEDS RED

through the window, hands moving
wires crossing, tubes looping
three men, brave men
trying their hardest
you could see it in their movements
-dont let go just yet-
-we're almost there-
praying to the Lord as I watch helpless
one sits down
loosing hope
finally the exit
then the lights flashing
and the sad piercing cry of the sirens
oh the sirens
all cars move, hospital on the right
and I'm crying
wondering hoping praying. crying
for this stranger
I saw from a window
driving alone in my car

yes, some days I can get up
be normal, get dressed
be pretty, smile

some days
but not all

other days
I seem to be... paralyzed
starting with my heart
can't move
don't care to

those days
stretch time to unimaginable lengths
as far as thee eye can see
misery

today
I wish for tomorrow

I was someone else
different

today I am
alone

no peace in this silence
no wage in this war

tormented shadows
my shadow
a bit darker than usual

the sun was
brighter
5 days ago...

the ocean
vast nothingness
dark waves
crash and receed
dive into me
make me feel
not so
*empty

unfocused, blurry
smudged
blink
focus again
oh I'm here
oh..
response
Yeah, I'm listening
dull
weary
there he is
yet again
invading
blurry
unreal
so close
but not reachable





so close
but
not
reachable

the shadows became people

street signs were dancing

lights flickered

focus
It's nothing...

then there she was
right in my headlights
my foot pressing the pedal
mind in a daze

short breath

she's gone

she was nothing

I saw him again
or her
or them

crossing the cross walk

but nobody was there


I assume ghosts use the crosswalk
out of old habit
maybe..

I think we see lightening as beautiful
because it's so dangerous
nature's strike
a flash of light
surge of energy

untouchable

I want to be like lightening
free to dance in the sky
to the rhthym of the rumble
thunder crashing symbols

arms open wide, long stride
spinning falling
beautiful
but far enough to be

untouched

My chest feels heavy
my thoughts cement it
ribs crack lungs punctured
deep breath

my body is swaying
try to walk straight
knees buckle hands shake
another step

eyes sting from salty tears
as I try to wipe them away
mascara runs lips quiver
hold it

I can't sleep till morning
closing eyes but not mind
twist and turn
no dreams

I start to drown from silence
my own words are no comfort
memories feelings
empty myself


quiet.

I don't want you to leave me
but I know the pain is restricting you
and I know all you want is peace
I'm so scared for you to go
but I know you'll always be near
just know the older I got
the more I held your words so dear
I hope when you get to heaven
they have a big ranch in the sky
just like your home in all its glory
but even more with angels by your side
I promise to make you proud
and I know I'll see you again
You weren't just my grandfather
you were also a true friend
and even though you were stubborn
and always had your way
I will always have the greatest love
for you each and every day