I love that glow you get in your body from taking a sip
That burn in your chest
Music feels better
Conversation flows
You’re a super hero
Until you’re not.

The first stream of ribbons
Ecstasy
Again I must have it
Another not so seamlessly
But the hue of red trickles down
No ecstasy...
again
again
The delicate razor glides effortlessly
again
again
Tiny ribbons for only me to see.

I was *****
I am not a victim any longer
I was *****
And I have redemption
I was *****
And my God is bigger
Than anything or feelings I want to hide
I was *****
And I feel sad for them
for reap what they sow
I was *****
Father forgive them for they do not know

The anxiety is cutting me deep
Yet intravenously they can put me to sleep
The idea of a needle in my hands makes me ill
Nothing seems to help anymore, no prescription nor pill
My body aches, longs for numbness, for real rest and ease
My mind is constantly racing and leaping, worsened by this disease
The affliction, a full circle, bringing me back to square one
Could I take back all I've started, undo who I've become?
Is this really making stronger for I've never felt so weak?
God please see me, because I know, blessed are meek.

Each step aches
Pushing through mud like molasses
Just to get where I'm going
Just a breath
A moment of reprieve
But this, this is pain's space and time
Not mine
Days feel like months
My temple crumbling around me
Wavering and frail, even the wind shakes me
This is pain's time, not mine
The more I fight, the worse I feel
So I lay down my angry heart
In defeat, I have failed.

And so it rains
As we wipe away our tears
What we thought was the past
comes back
Not as ghosts
but as living creatures
Smiling
Laughing
Screaming
Scratching
at our faces
Pausing for a brief moment
It all comes back...

One thousand more times I could try
It'd all be same
The damage the Crimson the pain the rage!
All of the fighting up to come down swallowing what I call sane
You'll never see clearly till I force this upon you
Till you feel this ******* disease
You'll never feel as sick as I do
Swallow these pills one by one and still feel no release
Let them diagnose you. Hold you against your ******* will
You're no human you disgust me
Add another ingredient to the list for your brain bleed.
******* and **** your thoughts
Survival is my only friend!
And even though I'll probably live, let me choose my end!