When the air gets colder
And my clothes get heavier
Your hugs only seem to get warmer
Your kisses on my forehead only seemed to get sweeter

But that was all a dream a forgotten storm
You left so many years ago
I have even forgotten your rank
I have forgotten why you didn't come home

At first I only thought the worst
I only thought the inevitable
That you died in combat
That I wouldn't be able to say to
Good bye to you

I loved you so much
Mother says she kicked you out
because you
were mean to us
That you called us names

The sad thing is I only hold on to the
Fondest of memories with you
The happy ones
The ones where you held me and
Cradled me in your arms

I know somewhere in your heart you
Didn't come home because you
Didn't feel like abandoning your post
Or maybe you were way too busy!

I was only four when you left
I was a only a child
I was only a kid
When you left it was just brother
Mother and I

We made it work without you though
I grew up idolizing other father figures
I grew up wanting to be more like the
Man of the house to take over
YOUR role

Hey! You should see me now!
I am a teenager and I know you would
be proud of the woman I've turned into
If only you were here to see us
After all this time
And hey! Help my mom pay for
Things considering we are still your children
Maybe you should think about us

I know you're fighting with
The Marines but I still can't handle the fact
That I HAD a dad
That someone was there for us

But that's fine now
Who really cares
I know you don't

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

My eyes stare when I'm around you
My mind begins to freeze
My body starts to melt and
My knees do as they please
My heart begins to pause
Momentarily not a lot
My eyes dart everywhere not
Wanting eye contact
When you smile, I smile I feel
Like a wall still and upright
You never cease to amaze me
Or make me forget what
I was going to say

It's hard
It's hard to live
Every turn there's a new obstacle
for you to go through
Sprinkle some fun happy moments
and you get a normal life
Then there are others
Some that are overwhelmingly extravagant life and then those
that were never meant to be good
No matter which of these lives you have
It never hurts to make the best out of it
And to those that would rather die than
Live your life
Why? Why waste a perfectly good life
You were meant to rule over
A life you were meant to lead
A life YOU yourself can change
To those that look down on those who don't have the finer things
What have they done to you?
Do you even know WHO they are?
Do you know why they ARE
Who they are?
Lives were meant to be lived by one person
And one person in particular
You live your life YOU make the decisions
On your own
Why take for granted a life someone else would want
Why frown on someone for having a life
they themselves didn't want?
What's the point in judging the lives of others?
There isn't one.
For my final say
I'll say just one thing
Don't forget to be happy
At least once a day

The time flies by
I wait for my time
but it never comes
Never have I been sadder than
the time I lied
to the Ice-cream man
I did have a five.

My mind is always kneading
The regrets in my mind
If  it doesn't stop
It just might die
I'm so very regretful
But you still hold
That grudge
Even after my silent pleas
You just won't budge
How many times
Do I have to cry
Myself to sleep
Before you can hear
My heart weep
Please forgive me
Let the past go
Let the dust settle in our minds