A piano I was born to be. But not just black and white because my fingernails are blue except for three of them. I feel safer in fresh white sheets and 8 foot deep water than I do by your side. You are a dangerous convict who has never committed a felony but you are also the vulnerable grandmother who has a mean right hook.

One time I sat and watched a tree fall and **** the ground almost, shot it right in the center and left a crater for critters to crawl. Adult hood should be a lot more scarier than my childhood. But it isn't. Fear of the Inevitable is irrational because God is inevitable and so is Buddha and Jesus and any other deities. Speaking of diets, my mother went on one and lost a lot of money (weight, too) because I could have told her for free but parents are a weird thing because they always say they're looking out for you but instead all they do is look down (or up depending on how tall you are). I'm 5'3" but I like to think I'm 5'2" but I act like I'm 6'4" but I feel like I'm 4'3".

And every day is a struggle when you aren't the same height as you feel.

The gas in my car goes quick and so does my temper and my friends. When waterfalls crash another boat is built to break. Whoever created the car also created the car crash and that deserves a round of applause because it is beautiful and destructive and just the way i like it. I'm a ******* so when people tell me to cheer up I take it to offense, but a fence gouged my stomach once and I told all my friends it was my appendix which is an appendage you don't need like your heart when it turns cold because no one can thaw ice without melting it to a puddle.

Look for me.
In the crowds that pass you through,
the dreams that scuttle by.
Look for the face only you can recall
The face that no longer exists.

The face in your memories
Will remain there, only.
It will never escape the tombs
That you let cave in.
The smile will be for you to see, only
Because it can no longer be formed.

It will only live in your memories –
The original has frozen, cold.
Outside of your memories,
It will never again be found.

Grief and loss have destroyed the smile;
Reality has hit.
The shelter you once formed to protect me
Receded and followed in your steps
as you ran away.

The smile that you used to protect
Was left behind and engulfed by the ashes
That blow in gusts in these dark alleys –
Hidden and concealed from view

But maybe if you really looked –
Scrutinized, I mean –
Maybe you’ll be able to see me.
Maybe you’ll see two small, round eyes
Blinking, staring, looking right at you.
Two small, round eyes
Hoping,
Wishing,
To escape the suffocating mask of darkness.

Look for me.

Step One.

When you are taught that human beings are riddled with gaping holes and survival is nothing more than attempting to stay standing against the rough gusts of wind, allow this fact to coat the surface of your skin. Memorize the mesmerizing patterns of movement of other beings as they struggle to remain on their trembling feet despite the vacancies in their chests, and mimic them with precision. This is the dance of survival that your vacant body will learn until the holes grow too large and the remainder of your body caves. This is how time passes, and this is how time continues.

Step Two.

You are born as a vessel, waiting to be infested with the words of those around you. As you absorb the dancing syllables and learn how to breath in the emotion infused in the air, ensure that you fill yourself up to the brim with this knowledge. Hold these precious collections close, for they are the substance that ensures your body remains seen among the bustling bodies of billions. Then betray your body and allow these collected words escape through petty cracks, knowing that each freed syllable is a step towards invisibility. When you allow all turbulent emotion through the cracks of your lips, you will return to an empty vessel. The silence of vacancy is fatal, and time will persist around your deterioration.

Step Three.

As you grow your body, allow your eyes to stray towards other beings growing their own. You will notice that the curves of your body are not unique, and are merely a slight modification to a standard model. Each word that exits your lips has been uttered before, and each declaration has been confessed long before your body has made its debut. As you allow your fingers to wander around the concave of his body, understand that your body is merely an interruption to the air around it. Any body could take your place, for you are a combinations of tireless repetitions and patterns. When you have allowed this realization to poison your lungs, you will pass as all the other beings have and your time will end. Another repetition will take your place as you have done, and time will go on without you.

Your lovely little daughter
Was wonderfully bright
But she had a face which
Boys would run from on sight  
  
In your jealous eyes
You saw them come to me
With endless promises of love
Happiness and matrimony
  
You harped on my flaws
And crushed my dreams
So that everyone could see
The crooked way you saw me
  
The scars on my wrists
Just brightened your day
“How could a boy love you
Since you’ve acted this way?”


So many thoughts and jibes
Ran through my mind
But the only thing said was
“My girlfriend likes me just fine.”