#exs
I used to look at you and see the universe light up in your eyes.
The glitter of a thousand worlds,
Captured in those brown eyes.
My world revolved around you,
As the Earth does around the Sun.
You held me your hands as if I was fragile seashell,
Yet your grasp was firm and demanding.
Voicing concerns always in vain,
You delt the cards I had to face.
What I had thought you gave was nothing to what I thought it was,
Love doesn’t endure such crazy madness.
I had made mistakes I cannot take back,
I **** myself for what is done and you see nothing.
Blind as the joke you say,
You never noticed yourself pull away.
Bleeding through hands and feet I held on for you to stay,
Hopping you’ll come back home to me.
The world doesn’t work as such and I’ve come to terms that your eyes held not of the universe and worlds,
But of those whose souls you stole and ate to only spit out.
You had my entire being regardless of flaws,
Now it’s time to continue with myself,
Alone is what was meant for me.
Jul 31, 2023
Jul 31, 2023 at 7:20 PM UTC
I will cut you out of the picture of my life.
I will take a scissors, to these complex memories and
hack your influence out.
It took me months to buy the scissors,
years to get to the shop
but I got here, I have them.
I will hear sharp snips as I cut across
the images that are burned in my mind.
No longer will my thoughts wander towards you.
No more, will I allow my feelings to be
clouded by a person who dug their words
into my lungs and shattered
my ribs, with boots made of malicious intent,
of careless incompetence, of clueless mockery.
I will use the scissors to cut your burning strings,
wrapped around these cheap candles.
A chord cutting spell. Dust beneath my heel.
The memories I cannot cut I will burn.
I'll light a match on the bridge you
ignited.
You always said people never change, so killing current you’s influence
In revenge for past you’s violence is righteous, it is fair.
I'll sharpen their blade on the soul you hardened.
I'll rip up the pictures if I have to, claw you out.
I'd sacrifice that part of my memories,
I'd happily **** the old me entirely to take you too,
To cut you out of the picture of my life.
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 4:06 PM UTC
I wake up with nightmares of you.
Yet I desperately crave your touch.
Your voice.
You.
I hate it.
I hate the thought of you.
Only because you broke me like he did.
If only you knew.
I love you so much though.
You are everything to me.
Which is the worst,
Because every day I love you and I wish I could’ve had the love I gave you in return.
My love,
My Sun and Stars,
My Second Chance.
Gone and I’ve lost twice.
Feb 15, 2021
Feb 15, 2021 at 5:59 AM UTC
My phone vibrates a second longer when I receive a text;
And I had not realised how deep the scars he left had cut.
There is a familiar sense of dread in the deepest pit of my stomach,
Each time someone dares reach out to this hollow skeleton.
I have not spoken to him in 8 months,
He has not spoken to me in 6.
Aug 29, 2020
Aug 29, 2020 at 12:29 PM UTC
I lay awake most nights
Wondering what happened to you.
How on earth did someone
So good
So kind
So funny
So sweet
Turn into such a pathetic,
Malleable piece of ****
I lay awake most nights
Wondering what happened to me.
How on earth I allowed someone to
Steal from me
Lie to me
Manipulate me
Guilt trip me
And make me question
If I’m somehow the villain.
I don’t have the will to sleep tonight.
I don’t know how to shake these ghosts.
Ex lovers
Ex friends
Ex versions of you
Ex versions of me
Ex people we promised
We would become for each other.
Nov 13, 2019
Nov 13, 2019 at 3:08 AM UTC
I look at the people who made me me
Not the person that I want to be
But this empty shell that walks alone
And can’t find a place to call home
I look at who I am inside
How most of me I want to hide
Like the scars that cover my midsection
And how people tell me they’re a sin
I hate that sadness that comes from pain
And I miss dancing in the rain
But now everything just feels the same
And I’m left wondering why I came
I hate the girl that I’ve become
And I know I’m not the only one
Because when I look at the people who made me me
It definitely isn’t love that I see
Jun 19, 2019
Jun 19, 2019 at 5:10 PM UTC
You still might break my heart
You have a lifetime to do it.
- leah
Mar 25, 2019
Mar 25, 2019 at 3:18 PM UTC
If I told you I love you,
would that be enough.
If I told you, you are the only thing I think about,
would you give us another chance.
If I learned how to communicate,
would you take me back.
If I told you I loved you
would you say it back?
Nov 17, 2018
Nov 17, 2018 at 1:34 AM UTC
lead me through the darkness
I can't see
All I can do is
trust you have me
But I’m tripped
And i fall
Love isn't blind
But when I love you, I can't see
Jun 7, 2018
Jun 7, 2018 at 9:43 AM UTC
I am completely out of good ideas.
This isn't exactly what I'd call good company.
Being alone with you.
A worthwhile bad memory.
To know the future doesn't seem all that bad.
Under certain conditions.
Preconceived notions of cause and effect.
It's unpredictable.
Yet predictable to see exactly where we're going.
Being in love with you seems like a bad idea.
I learned that the hard way.
The touch of a hand on the small of your back.
Afterwards we could both agree.
This was a really bad idea.
Picking up where the other left off
May 10, 2018
May 10, 2018 at 11:38 PM UTC
i remember when we met, we clicked instantly
i still remember how much you meant to me
i remember feeling whole in your arms
like not even a meteor could keep us apart
i remember when you told me you had been cheating
and how i begged for you to stay
you were the first person to ever make me feel worth something
and then you took my imaginary worth away
i remember when you told me you loved me,
and then told me you didnt actually mean it
i remember all the people ive left,
just because they werent you
i remember their words, in pain as i left
but all i can remember is the love i felt for you
ill never love anyone like i loved you
so why should i love?
its been 3 years
i know you dont care
i know all this is just wasted air
youll brush this to the side
just like how you did me
but i loved you
with a love that was so rare
one that no one else will ever experience
because how could i ever love anyone
like i loved you
Apr 22, 2018
Apr 22, 2018 at 9:39 PM UTC
I don’t know what to do. He’s with someone else now. And I despise myself for not being able to push back. For not being able to fight it and move on. I despise myself for getting too caught up in this man. For allowing myself to fall freely in love with him. To be vulnerable.
So now how do I move on and be happy. I see him smile, laugh, be happy and I wish just wish he could see the turmoil going on in my head and heart. Behind my smile lies a brokenness that only he could fix. Those same lips he smiles with once kissed me with all the desperation in the world. Asif I was his oxygen and lifeline. How do I allow myself to be comfortable knowing what we once shared so intimately is now being shared with another person that isn’t me.
What I feel isn’t jealously. I don’t know what I feel. A bundle of nameless emotions blacken my thoughts. Anger? Lust? Resentment? Hurt? Betrayal? I do not know what I feel. And it’s confusing. So this is what it feels like to have loved. A dangerous thing that has made me sworn to never again love until I am certain. How will I know? I thought I was certain. I feel betrayed more than anything. He told me I was his for ever and he sees a future with me. He told me “ you’ll probably be my wife someday” what does someday mean?
Stuck. I’m stuck on him and not moving forward. He was like a spell that was cast on me. And I’m stuck. Just stuck. So what now I ask myself? How do I function knowing the very person that made me get up in the morning is now out of my life...romantically. And I’ve prayed because trust me no one, NO ONE should feel this hooked on a person. And it’s a sin because I know that I’ve sent more time thinking about him than anything. And it’s a sin because I almost worshiped this man. Mere man made by God. Mere man had such a control over me. Mere man.
And I’m learning to help myself. Avoid eyes, carry on, imagine MY future. Work for me. It’s hard. Because I just want what was and not what is. And because of him I spend so much time living in the past dreaming, reminiscing, looking back at what ONCE was and no longer is. He’s somebody else’s man and I need to accept that and be my own woman. My own self without him.
And so I’m trying to comprehend what has happened and how quickly it happened. Can it just be over like this? And I often sit recollecting my thoughts and memories of what was. What could have been and I see the signs. And I think if only I had done something differently maybe we’d be in a different place or still be together.
Seeing him with someone else aches. I can’t help but think of what could have been. Yet again. Back pedaling. Like a tug in my heart. And I pretend. Blissfully act asif nothing is wrong. I cast my eyes away. Avoiding eye contact like a plague. Forcing my self not to look with all my strength. And it’s hard. So **** hard. But still I act. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever move on. I can’t help but think will someone ever be his infatuated with me?
Now. I feel a strange calmness. Acceptance. What’s happened has happened and I can’t dwell on what could have been. There is a peace. A small hope that our hearts reconnect. That we find out way back to each other and become one again. I’ve began to move on. I’m happy. He’s not the center of my world. Yes I still have a soft spot for him. He was my first love. The first person I ever feel so deeply For. My first obsession.
The first person I opened my whole self to him like a book and he drained me. He took every last bit of me i had to give. Maybe it’s my fault. I fell too hard too freely too fast. Recklessly speeding down the highway of love, throwing no caution to the wind.
And I still miss him. I am constantly plagued by what could have been. Regrets what I could have done differently. Desperately wishing I could go back in time. Please God just let me go back 7 months. Just to change one thing.
4 years wasted. 4 years of being emotionally invested in him. 4 years gone. Not a trace. Like strangers in the hallway. Feels weird not knowing what’s happening in his life. I want to know. I want to be his support. I want to be his pillar, his help, his constant, his anchor. The person he can run to any time and trusting I’ll have my arms wide open to reel him back into my heart. Where he belongs. Where he should be. Where he etched his mark. All over my body.
Him.
Obsessed with him.
Still in love with him.
I need to get over him.
My world isn’t him.
I’m voting to let go of him.
Him
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 6:54 PM UTC
He was like rain
That washed away every bit of doubt in my mind
He was like sun
That warmed my lips every time we kissed
He was like snow
That you get every winter so you didn't have to go to school
He was like happiness
That spread through my blood stream like a virus
He was like sadness
That I couldn't get rid of because he wasn't with me
He was like lust
That captivated me every time he touched my body
He was like obsession
That whittled away at my thoughts
He was like jealousy
That made me hold his hand a little tighter if his eyes wandered
He was like smiling
That you practiced everyday so people can't ask if you're okay
He was like hate
That you would choke down because you have company
He was like war
That you tried to win every battle but he had the upper hand
He was like fire
That you need to stay warm but if you got to close he would burn you
He was like love
That you wanted to fight for but at the end of the day
wasn't worth it
Mar 13, 2018
Mar 13, 2018 at 8:30 PM UTC
We are the definition of TOXIC
We hate to be around each other
But are so madly in love
When we kiss
Its like fire is dancing happily around my mouth
When we hold each other
It's like the world stops moving and its only you and I
When I look into your eyes
I see love
True and honest
Without question or reason
But EVERY TIME we open our mouths to speak
Nothing but insults
Hatred
Heart ache
Horrendous misuses of words that can't be taken back
And even knowing all that
I'd still take you back every time
Because when we're quiet
And we don't say a word
And the silence of you and I existing together
It's love
Feb 25, 2018
Feb 25, 2018 at 6:28 PM UTC
There's always been rocks along the path,
who was I to deny the company of another on the same road,
fate would pull them away when their fork came,
but I always wondered alone, once and twice, I'd met,
but they left,
or I would.
So I walked along the path, feet with blisters,
often thirsty and drinking from my can,
I find you looking so sure of yourself,
you've traveled longer than I have,
you came prepared.
We walked along together,
I was wary to let another one in,
I felt exhausted and beaten down,
the last traveler that walked with me was a lost cause,
pretending to be sure but never really,
but you weren't and you knew it.
The walls of rock which no one would bother to climb,
you climbed, making sure I saw it,
so I'd remember when the days became hard,
that you would climb again and again.
You built a fort together with me,
I no longer was lone in protecting myself,
you joined my fort with weapons so I'd no longer be defenseless,
the roads I've walked along for so long,
you saved me from the thorns on my path,
showing me the softer grass to walk on.
When the fork came,
we looked at each other,
by then, I couldn't live without you,
wandering the path again was not the same,
the only path I wanted to walk,
was the one you were going.
So when you took that fork,
I followed.
Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 8:38 PM UTC
I see your smile and your laugh.
It hurts.
Every time I look your way,
it feels like a stab to the chest.
Is it an act? a play?
To make me feel the pain I put you through?
You moved on, rose above
but I'm still here, drowning in the repercussions of our actions,
of my actions.
I'm now just a distant memory to you,
Forgotten
Nov 13, 2017
Nov 13, 2017 at 11:36 AM UTC
I was the first ripple in the lake
To caress you in your fall
But you did not wish to stay
You skipped along
Pursing love on higher depths
And last I saw, you were falling
More than I would've let
Your little stone heart
isn't skipping now
What has you sinking down?
The darkness clasps your heart
Tightly in his hands
What a terrible man
Does the pressure above
keep you below?
And in those cold hands
don't you feel alone?
Oct 13, 2017
Oct 13, 2017 at 9:55 PM UTC
When I think about you and him
My stomach turns to lead
Coated in poison
Tearing apart my insides
As it falls downward
Fast.
I forgot how jealous I can get
After years of not feeling much of anything
And I hate how it feels because I know it’s not ok;
Your past is a part of you
And I think you’re perfect the way you are.
But when I think of how he hurt you
When you loved him unconditionally
How he hit you
When you were nothing but kind;
How he left you
Alone and broken
Twice
I am no longer jealous
I’m ******
Sep 3, 2017
Sep 3, 2017 at 3:24 AM UTC
Tangley Wangling
Fruit Jews in Tutus at youth group, maybe just a few with their screws loose. One self-rolling righteous group, their brothers grinning
Within the depths of their white-heads at the brim of a wet blanket suckling the needles catering new drug use. Two by two, elefants and woozels, hippopotamü's confusals, spongey-butts outfitting the rye n' wines refusals.
The luxury of a coccyx felt from the fingers turn to sunrise, where the water's weigh the bricks of suicides, concrete block tourniquets from the migraines of English turnabouts. So there's some surplus of surprise in them, in an integers shock-appraisal face-lift on Catholicism's lobotomy to cuckhold housewives seeking collagen, or the thick dark-skinned forearm-fisting insider's swinging in the houses of the denizens, or repurposing their malign from their unused vaginas, to **** the dust off such scab-covered stitches, which is like vacuuming between the loose inner-leg space of a succubus.
Bring out the gimp! Any fetishized leather-wearing hungry miner for the oral tongue-slapping mouth-dance might do, as long as the dom can subdue that sub tied to the stocks voted on for the public to use, there might be screaming, squirming, and scoffs, but there's nothing left for him that Marina Abramowicz hasn't already proven she's willing to lose. Plus, in this small town not far enough from Laramie, there's still too much fat to chew through, too much flab to tuck the **** into, where even the F.U.P.A. so deep that a phallic-day or deity might need the leverage of a boot to get even Ron Jeremy's **** unglued.
Lucky loos by the brothel befit these new arrivals, though some tyrannosaurs despise 'em, smoke as much as you can if you've got 'em.
But don't let your antiques get you down, an ornithologist lends herself to your bookends, and even that nighthawk roosting makes your car alarm sound second rate, it's seconds late as the aves rave to the ravens, and they pontificate. Owls hoo-hoo and hooting, branch off with the others and start colluding. They just wanna get you home, to get back those prosthetics you've loaned.
Canoodling barbarians on their way back from the aquarium, demand their fires come from oblivion, which sends sparks of arguments from the sharks and the bathylkopian oblivions, where we found that this water's warm these citizens, demand recompense for such grandiose living expense, three pence to use the phone, twelve rupees towards the sofa, and even a deutsch mark for every sit or every look at sit, it's just a chair, a doubly set of wooden legs, idling under a table plank. Pirated by the buttocks, such bullocks it is, and that's just it!
An archaeologist on assignment discovered that the future of the rhinoceros exists upon the olfactory exaggerated proboscis, the result of flushing unused anti-biotics, and is currently working for dimes out of college to deluge this quite deprived yet interesting biopic.
The films of the ***** grab at the ***** thrown about by The Monkees, and the musicians wearing those stickers on their ******* are victim to XXS cotton denim vests, unzipped and barely covering themselves, added to by the accessories and rings, jewelry if anything, a pearl necklace and nubile sacrifis.
And the trollops frolic, diurnally dispose of logic, doing the hoopty-hoop, the alley-oops, with mom's high school flute in nothing but cowboy boots!
These are, the new discoveries of our species, carved into the marble and wet frescos, in the street reliefs, spray-painted and air-brushed motif, this creates such gatherings for throngs of people who've unachieved their needs, who've displaced their parents and display their racist grieving beliefs to trash indigenous language pleas for francophonian linguistic greed that have splayed their hellacious treaty in what's considered to be modern circumscribed and ill-painted cuneiform visually conceived, vocal graffiti.
So that the neu-faux derogatory delegates stress to sudatorium, it has regressed to moratoriums, we've now cancelled this sport consortium of awful and flagrant art performances.
May 25, 2017
May 25, 2017 at 4:08 AM UTC
Things will get better
That is what everyone says.
But has anything got better,
No.
Nothing has got better.
Everything has gotten worse.
Nothing has emotional has changed.
My mind is still to him and I still love him.
Yes, I know that he loves someone else now.
Yes,
I know that I am nothing to his memories now.
Everything will be okay.
No it won't
I haven't been okay for almost a year.
Everything will change, he will miss you.
He said he loved me but the smile that was on his face after the pain
Says something completely different.
He still loves you,
Now
you are trying to hurt me
Jan 11, 2017
Jan 11, 2017 at 1:30 PM UTC
I kissed a boy today
Another stranger in hopes of
Finding you at my door once again
When we kissed,
He felt like you
Except my eyes were open
And his were closed
You taught me
That having my eyes closed
Allowed my walls to come down
Allowed vulnerability
I no longer have that luxury
God I miss you
I felt nothing kissing him
Please come back to me, my dear
Kiss me like when we were at the park alone
In the soft spring
I wish to feel again
Aug 23, 2016
Aug 23, 2016 at 7:24 PM UTC
Fight or flight
A gut response.
I've bathed in hatred dressed like leathermans pointed at my ribcage.
Jumped off rooftops thinking the ground was softer than my future.
Told woman to choke me until I purple
Purple plays verb safer than run
Than scream
than remember.
When your sancuary
Has a spotlight on the one thing you've been escaping from.
Fight or flight.
"Hello"
You tap her shoulder.
Confirm she's not your hallucination.
You still aren't sure.
You couldn't touch long enough.
Do not ask.
"where is she?"
Or "so you're an alcohaulic now?"
Or "are you having a panic attack? Because I'm having a panic attack.
And you used to always have panic attacks.
Do not pose:
If I avoid the streets of an entire city
So I won't cross your path.
whether you are there or not.
See Your ghost in the deli,
Order gelato, carrying a carseat.
hear your name
reach out to thin air
that belongs in my lungs.
Why, beautiful disaster
Are you skipping your A.A. meeting
Sitting at this bar, that I call home.
Drinking on a stool that with one moment
Belongs to your ghost now.
how did you stumble into this bomb shelter?
Were the salt circles not enough to keep you out?
have I not been loud enough?
I preach the Gospel of this microphone.
Everyone within a ten mile radius of a screen
knows I come here at this time
on this day
every week
If you ever want to see me.
I'll be here.
I can't leave.
You can.
You don't have to.
I mean, I didn't invite you.
But when has that ever stopped you before?
If you need to face me head on.
Come.
I need you too.
Let's dance
Forget the empty dresser covered in princess stickers
Forget the swirling mattress of our lies and mistakes.
**** Google+
your perfect ***
the photographs I can't delete.
Jump on this bar table with me.
Show them how it breaks under our weight.
Smash that beer against the wall
Jam the broken bottle in my ribs
I promise you.
I will ******* feel it.
If my blood doesn't spill out.
If my pain doesn't splatter this godamned stage.
If a single person in this room forgets
This dance
When we purple.
our bodies slammed off every dining room table
Shatter wine glasses into chapbooks
tear off your fake smiling mask
throw it at a nearby ******
Naked screaming killing each other.
When we blackout.
your ghost will still be sitting at the godamned bar haunting me.
And it's funny
Why does it hurt?
It's not like I go a day
without seeing you anyway
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 1:10 PM UTC
My eyes are so heavy sitting in the passenger seat
Following the bits and pieces of thoughts passing by out the window
Everything seems hazy these days
It'll never be the same
Maybe it's just the aftermath of the breath I release, caused by relief
Or maybe not relief at all
My lungs are inflamed
Every time I try to talk about it, I tend to cough up the anger I pushed so far down into the center of my being
I don't want to be angry anymore
I'm happy for you, really
My heart rejoices at the fact that you found something "better"
To Jupiter and Back my knees scrape the ground
This pounding moved from my chest to my head
I love you never seemed to hurt more
Maybe because it doesn't belong to me
I wish I didn't have to relive the memories of the past
They are an overcast that never leave my dreams
I wish it would pour so that I wouldn't have to bare holding in all this resentment
An empty mind never seems to last long anymore
Mar 16, 2016
Mar 16, 2016 at 8:35 AM UTC