IV. postnatal
ut consilium...repris


things are looking up when
you look in the mirror and you don’t scare yourself
recognise the person you see there
arrive before you leave
stay the course
take people at face value
can meet with friends
laugh
turn your face forward and there is no crick in your neck
your muscles ache
because you worked hard
get used to this
you want this to be your new normal
see a future even if it is just tomorrow
yes, hopeful...repris

@journeyofdays

the cost

of holding it together
is the thumping in my head

of trying to be normal
is fake smiling through another day

of forcing calm
is the racing of my heart

of believing in you
was what tore me apart

of trusting again
is seriously ******* me up

it is just a gift
that keeps on giving
my personalised pithos of
things wrapped up in tears
reopening stories I had put away
discovering new chapters
combining short stories into weighted tomes
pressing down my heart
with unexpected plot twists and feedback loops
that keep crashing around in my head
oppressing my wins with blinding migraines
because I tried too hard and reached too high
did too much
it is just a gift
that keeps on giving
my personalised, Pandora’s pithos of ...(fill in your preferred ending)

@journeyofdays

facing the day
with joy in my heart
knowing I can
not falling apart

walking in strength
feeling alive
living the truth
fearless...not quite


@journeyofdays

vacuum of light
a dark so still it has no sound
profound dark
deep time
breathe
slow now
there is no linear logic to this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

unregulated yet ordered
power prevailing and insinuating into all
forming intimate unions across boundaries that make our reason
breathe
slow now
there is no physical logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

draws on the eternal
it has a future
impacts on now
a brain cannot fathom
the past is still to come
breathe
slow now
there is no epochal logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

energy
it moves through and within
whispering around the edges of the quiet mind
enfolded
in those spaces between thoughts
breathe
slow now
there is divine logic
immerse
in this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum


#thisjourneyofdays

to live this moment over what would I do differently?
would it make a difference to the outcome
would you be less ******
would I have kept my mind
would we be bounced along a slightly different path but would up here anyway?

can I do this moment over again?
say it differently and emphasised more ...or less
not reacted ...or perhaps exploded
would the outcome have been different?

if we lived this moment over.....
would you be less ******
would I have kept my mind
would we be bounced along a slightly different path but would up here anyway?

can I do this moment over again?
if I had never said ....or said I something more
been numb. ...or felt something more
would the outcome have been different?

is the trap of fate real
we can't really escape
the alternate path would bring us to this point because....
that's the point
there is only one moment in time
it was always going to happen this way.

#thisjourneyofdays

meditate - ink -  pray
keeps me from
drink - cry - coma

think - draw - breathe
helps with
process - know - conquer


punch  - walk - yell
guards me from
fear - hate - intemperance

write - write - write
saves me from
myself


#thisjourneyofdays

the stone in my chest
sits
weighs heavy
almost cannot remember the time before
it came to lodge
it knows I am writing about it


I notice it more when thinking
like now
it knows I am writing about it

distracted, feel it there.
most of the time it just presses ever so still against my heart
not letting me forget
masking
it knows I am writing about it


the stone in my chest
grinds me up
inside out
it moves around
sinks me
it knows I am writing about it

know you are there
my little ticking time bomb
opportunist without a face
it knows I am writing about it
plotting

@journeyofdays

you had it but you don’t anymore
but why
anxiety rising
fear places
fear people
over analyse any situation
protect

you had it but you don’t any more
but why do I ...
not trust
not sleep
drag my **** through some days
sit near the exit
sit at the back

you had it but you don’t anymore
ok then, so this, right here, is normal now???
******* great!

@journeyofdays

you want to understand beyond the observation
there is more to this than what you see
something more than words can ever describe
it changes you inside
changes the fabric

a test of fire
and it can be unbearably cold
overload of emotion raw and raging
leaving you numb and lifeless
retreating to indifference is a survival plan

do you understand
you need to feel this
words cannot describe
drink this cup and tell me it is otherwise

@journeyofdays