breathe one
calm and centre
breathe two
lift head, a smile
breathe three
nod in acknowledgement
breathe four
what’s his name again?
breathe five ...
speak social niceties
breath six...breathe seven
this was a mistake
breathe eight
leaving
breathe nine ….breathe ten
will try again…
later
#thisjourneyofdays

keeps me here
slows my mind, my heart
settles me in the present
holding me firm
keeping me standing

as I face down hell

breathe and hold


no ...sound ...clicks….roar
eye of storm
cool of dawn
moonless night
deep quiet
eternity in a moment
savouring this space between thoughts

release and reengage

#thisjourneyofdays

study of shape
of form
terrain
seeing evolution embedded in my landscape

natural formations of life events
the destructive force of hate and man made dramas
assessing the impact on orbits
hurtling off course

map of features
trying to make sense of what happened
seeking the why
a topography of trauma

#thisjourneyofdays

Trusting ...
you
me
in face value
you are not my past experience
I  will not over analyse
this is new ground is stable
my balance


this new for me
It has been a long time
back  me

#thisjourneyofdays

forgive because I must...because now I can
the last obstacle to my recovery
saying the words in prayer and speaking them from my heart

you no longer owe me a debt
He has taken that away
your restoration lies with Him now...no longer with me

forgive.. because it frees me from the bond of this sin
no longer do I seek your downfall...I have no heart for revenge

you are no longer accountable to me

He has that ledger now
make an appointment with Him

#thisjourneyodays

where have I been?
an alternate world
there but not here
here but not here

trying to make order of the chaos in my head...to control my heart’s erratic beat
sweating through replays
struggling with what if
seeking the reason why...but coming up empty ..except for self loathing for the lack of clarity

whirling around in a life ******* spiral of confusion and pain
emotionally and spiritually wrecked

I have nothing left to fight with
I am done being sick

#thisjourneyofdays

watch each thread of my life, work, reputation, identity
being severed  by hate and power
...some snapping back to strike my face and lash at my ribs
gashes across my heart and side
...others withering, fraying, disintegrating as if they never were

destroying meaning
destroying me
untethered ..unhinged...flung..hurtling...crashing into despair

into humiliation

#thisjourneyofdays

did I need to know why?

would knowing have helped me make sense of the trauma, the chaos?

deceived by those dressed in light pretending to be…

videri quam esse

the falsehood of your being…

my lesson humility

crushed and battered

shredded life and spirit

I am nothing

now I know why…

#thisjourneyofdays

light now in the places that were hidden
...hidden from yourself but not Me. I still saw you in the dark places...tossed up on rocks and sinking into places you did not want to go
I still saw you.
I kept watch.