Eyes meet and eyebrows twitch
Your eyes glitter with lust
My teeth bite slightly too ******* my own lip
Watching your tongue swirl around your fingers
I barely remember to breathe
****, I want to make you feel good

Your thighs taste like my lipstick and your sin
Remnants of your perfume still clings to you
You knew **** well that I’d be lost in you tonight

Your fingers lightly play with the loose hairs on the nape of my neck
I want to smile because it feels nice
Instead I flinch because although your hands are soft
I feel his rough hands wrapping around my throat

Your lips press lightly against mine
I want to kiss you back because I adore you
Instead my mouth clamps shut because although you taste divine
I smell his hot breath smothering my face

Your voice tells me you love me
I want to say it back because I love you too
Instead the words catch in my throat because although those words are true
I hear his voice telling me I don’t deserve you

It’d break your heart to know
That sometimes when you kiss me
I can taste his faint shadow

Tied to a bed
Face pushed into the pillow
Silent because screaming made it worse
Smack clouded my mind
***** orange bed sheets covered in blood
Saliva trickling down my face
Staring blankly at the wall

Laughing behind me
Many men mocked as they watched
Took turns to desecrate me
After I’d collapse into the mattress
And hope i would live no more
Whilst I passed out from the drugs and the pain

So now even as my love sleeps beside me
Who keeps me safe and treats me well
We lay in a bed so comfortable and warm
I still stare blankly at the wall and hope I will live no more

Water is frivolous, it only soaks the reminder into my skin;
I will never be clean of these burdens.
Because to do so, I’d have to scrape the flesh from my bones
And soak my skin in thick bleach
Or fry my mind in acid
Just so I could extinguish the power that ignites them.
Sin dances across my body, leaving fading scars in its wake;
A secondary trauma becomes true.
Maybe he didn’t **** me up enough, since I’ve done more damage to myself
I can’t blame him for the reason when I pulled the trigger
And pressed the blade into my skin.
He may have been the reaction, but I was the catalyst.

Retro, techno, pillball machine
Arcade, tetro, can taste gasoline
Panic, fury, not feeling alive
Danger, shaking, crush my hard drive
Spiders, robots, made of metal alike
Drug craze, wide eyes, a state so dreamlike
**** me, help me, nothing feels real
Humans, technology, all made of steel
Seizures, sweating, the air starts to crack
Delusions, psychosis, the eyes of a maniac
Arcades, run signs, lights flashing in the night
Distortions, sensations, my mind a parasite
Arachnids, cages, holding me in place
Computers, glitching, my eyes their interface
Trauma, reality, sight in opaline
Retro, techno, pinball machine.

You can taste the blood on my tongue
But I can’t feel the pain
I’m tied by elastic bands to a reality so dire that I can’t face it.
My soul rises out of my chest and a world of demons appears in my vision
Snapped suddenly back I see your worried eyes searching my face
And I briefly wish that the elastic would choke me

Poison ivy next to a poisoned tree,
Poisoned friendships, poisoned by me
A broken promise, a buried seed
A safe place, a good friend, lots of love guaranteed
A liar, a cancer, advice all gone bad
****** up love, I’m toxic, the remnants of my dad
A death wish, a threat and a promise in one breath
I’ll save you, I’ll help you, I could be the cause of your death
A hero, a darling and conquer of the broken
I’m ****** up and I break things at least it’s no longer left unspoken.

How can I love myself
When the voices in my head tell me I don’t deserve it?
A constant companion of self doubt that won’t quit
Telling me it hates me and that I should ******* die
A hundred thousand critics residing within my minds eye
You tell me that I’m strong
You say that I’m a hero for being able to survive
Yet my league of disparagers makes it easy to contrive
A million different reasons for me slit my wrist
If only the voices in my psyche and I could coexist
So how can you say I’m pretty
When my long term phantoms disagree
I’d cut my veins and swollen pills if I could only guarantee
That every voice, flicker and spirit would evacuate my soul
Because at least if I **** myself, then I’ll be in control