if you couldn't already tell
i haven't been getting much sleep.
it's hard to while my life is in shambles.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
for some reason once you ended it,
the universe decided to give me the week from hell.
i feel like i haven't done anything right.
everything i touch just shatters.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
once i get dressed for bed
you used to like the way i dressed at night
and get under my covers
i should fall right asleep
after the days i've been having.
but i can't i lay there
thinking.
thinking of all our memories.
i try to find the bad ones
so i can pretend to hate you.
but they never seem to be there.
all i can recall is me ******* up
but that's nothing out of the ordinary.
so once it hits 3:58
that's the time i have picked every night
i tell myself i truly need to get some sleep.
and it excites me a little
to know that one more time i get to see you.

so once i close my eyes it's like nothing has changed. you broke my heart and my brain tries to figure out something. each night it gets worse and each night i still chase you. i know i can run distance but i don't know how much i have left in me. my brain is using a lot of my energy trying to figure out the mess that was made.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
and every night i wake up
in a panic
and short of breath
with a single tear rolling down my cheek
and it's 5:38.
every night.
and i'm tired of this pattern.
i'm sick of not knowing.
this guessing game isn't my favorite so can we please pick a new one?
i know it's not my choice.
it's always a two person game and i'm afraid i don't have a voice in this anymore.

so i guess this is goodbye but only for now.
because i'll see you again.
5 o'clock sharp.
maybe tonight i'll get some answers.

i'll talk to you in my dreams.
*or i guess now i call these nightmares.