When I was 19 I was pregnant and lost my first baby when I was 22 I was pregnant with my husband found out it was a tubal pregnancy. Found out the odds of me carrying we're slim to none and if I did the baby would be dead or another tubal and would die anyways. I succomed myself to this fate. I became ok with it just being me. I don't want children anyways 26 I thought something was wrong I went to the doctor found out I was pregnant it attached just barely in the right place yet I had plecenta previa in the process. I felt betrayed by my own body felt this foreign object growing inside me was a parasite why. I was ok with me. Why did it have to be like this. Slowly as it grew I started to change my mind. I started to fall in love. It would kick me in the night and I grew accustomed to its tiny little fluttering. It was mine all mine...man I didn't know what love was. Yet there was a promblem. I wanted so much more for it than I could give. I wanted it with me always yo love on to cherrish but i knew this wasn't about me it was about what was best for it. Then the day came who was it going to be her or him. He was so beautiful seeing him n the screen watching him move. I decided then I had to give him to someone who can give him everything I can't. I would never not be there still but I couldn't povide for him the way he needed I couldn't give him stability. My own issues would project on to this innocent little defensless child and there was nothing I could do. 8 months later I woke in a pool of blood. Two days later my son came into this world I had him then I gave him up. You don't have to own someone to love them. Open adoption is a beautiful thing but my son is always 4 hours away from me and not a moment goes by when I don't miss him. I can't have any more childern doctors were fearful about how close I came to bleeding and although I signed the papers to get fixed they agreed that it was a good decision the likely hood of me having another child safely was too risky. I almost died bringing him into this world but I would died a million times to do it again...I love you still and everything I do is for you always.

U don't wanna hear me
You don't wanna listen
I scream into the air
But no one cares
I say montone I'm fine
Why can't you just pretend u care
Why do I have to seek others to help me feel ok.
You won't listen you rather everything be exactly the same.
Do the bare minimum to pacify the people you say you love.
Rage fills me that I should be able to lean on you for support.
But I lean and fall to the ground.
I pick myself up time and time again as I try to be vunerable for you.
You push me to be vunerable with u but u don't support me when I do.
It's just a hassle.
You sigh you droop your shoulders ignore my pain...
Act like it's Burden.
I will go to someone else that will listen to me at least.
Why can't I lean on u. I thought that's one of the benefit of being a team?
We are supposed to.
Once again I lay shattered on the floor like a fragile peace of China.
It's ok cuz you are teaching me to be ok without u.
I will pick myself up.
I will glue myself together.
Just know each time I do it myself I am further from ur grasp.
Not hat you are required to just wish u we're there to at least cheer me on.
You ignore me u act like my promblems aren't worth ur time.
I'll make it to where you ain't worth mine.
I don't need anyone.
I am stronger by myself.
I survived years of torment by myself.
It is easier to survive by myself.
I may be shattered China but you will be the fool to drop me.
The fool to watch me grow into something beautiful that won't want you anymore because I needed u to listen and you wouldn't.

Slilently fade into the background.
A dandlylion of little significance.
A wallflower you can say.
People seem to think there's something wrong with me.
All I want is them to actively pay attention to me.
But they don't.
Instead I fade into the wallpaper.
Just another ornament or painting on the wall.
Plain grey and washed out.
A pale repensentation of what I used to be.
Every once and a while someone walks by and looks, dabbles in my faded glory.
Oh yes we have her here and then again I am forgotten.
Next to my frame is a clock...
Tick tick tick...the time goes by.
Reminding me there is none for me.
Once vibrant and full of color now dull and lifeless.
What is the point.
Cool splatters of washed out colors splattered across the torn canvas that is me.
Tick tick tick
It's still going reminding always reminding me.
Time is not on my side.
Reminding me I'm running out of the most precious peace of me my time.
Tick tick tick.
Like a bomb.
And boom there's nothing left just a blur on the canvas nothing distinguishable.
Over time nothing will be left and the canvas will just rot, fade away, and blow off like dust in the wind.
And then there's is just nothing.

I lay in awkward silence...
Intimancy all but taken from me.
My ability to shut down has become my personality...
I say a few words he doesn't understand.
He sees only what he wants to see.
He seeks only to pacify me...
Hopes all issues will just disappear.
He sees nothing wrong with how things are.
I am so lonely.
I shouldn't be.
I have basic needs that just never seem to get satisfied.
There must be something seriously wrong with me.
Am I broken?
In my throat forms a lump but I can not cry.
I am weak my greatest fear to be alone.
I can be with myself and spend time with myself but oh how I just want someone to love me.
Not in the family way not in the friend way but to look at me with desire and passion.
To put me on equal ground.
To really make me into their partner.
No one does tho.
I turn over to lay in awkward silence on my other side the rain falls outside...the sky at least knows to spill it's greif.

In the dept of disparity​ i drown...
I don't ******* care...
I am alone evermore...
No one there to keep my heart beating...except myself...
Bleeding through my eyes...
a cascading burning desire of pain...
Everyone filling me with lies...
Yet i believe them all...
I **** myself down and allow myself to believe in the fantasy...
Allow myself to accept the fallacy that there's hope.... Yet there isn't...
its a shattered unicorn of a marage in a dessert of a optimistic fool...
I expect too much...
Hoping for love but failing always failing always drowning...
But **** it if im meant for this pain ill use it...ill be it.... ill rage in it...
If i end up alone so ******* what...
im meant to be there anyways...
I am already there...the darkness consumes me but im tired of fighting the darkness...let it consume me...let it roll in my fingers...let it ooze from my pores...let it Fill my eyes... let it flow in my veins and consume me...let the darkness be my name let is define me yet be my ******* *****...
The rage is there...
Not allow to be released...
always in control...
always one foot in the circle one foot out...
I try to step in all the way but the min i do the circle moves...
I am shut out...
Always reaching for a happy ever after not realizing its the true brothers grimm...
Always reaching for a hand...
Yet scared to hold my palm up...
**** that hand **** that palm i will hold darkness in my hands...the rage will force itself through my knuckles into my fingers as i jab it through someones face...
I am angry...
I am filled....
I am alone....
I was always alone...always

There's an ache it's hard to explain.
I hate the silence it seems to taunt me.
Remind me how alone I really am.
Ache for people to understand my desperate plea.
Yet no one listens.
No one wants to.
I ache for a little heartbeat that once was intertwined with mine.
I choose his happiness over mine.
But he doesn't need me.
No reason to want me.
My skin shivers with the desire to be wanted.
I feel utter hopeless invelope every bit of optimistic foolishness.
I sink.
It's not painful it doesn't hurt. I am not sad or tearful.
It's like a whiteboard filled with marks of emotion all of a sudden is wiped clean.
Blank...
Nothing...
A hole... something should be there.
A puzzle...
Knowing that something just isn't right. That hopeless desperate feeling...the hole is there filling up but with all negative emotions..
Self doubt, low self esteem, I'm useless, who really wants me anyways, rejection, undesireable, ugly, alone, wanting to bleed(fighting the desire to rip into my own flesh just to help me feel), just not good enough, naive, stupid, worthless, unattractive, ****** up, deserves to be alone, all these thoughts fill that hole.
Then I am nothing and everything all the same time.
But that everything is nothing all the same.
Viscous cycle of absolute and utter missery and torturous absence of exuberant life force
But it goes on and on
And tomorrow will be the same and the day after that and that and that.
And suffer for all eternity because my mind tell me I am destined for this fate.