As I lay here I wonder about my choices
In my head. Stop silence all the voices
I wonder if I'm stupid when I care
Sometimes livings more then I can bare
The years pass me by and I settle
My heart turns to solid metal
I cant describe how it feels to sit back and see
The love between two people the lack of it for me
And when I try to speak my voice is not heard
All my thoughts are silly every bit abursb.
Yet as I lay here dying a little every night
A burning plight of passion a simple dimming light
I do what I can to survive with what little that I get
I feel as if I was doomed the minute that we met.
But if the things were exapressed I become another stress
And everytime I begin to feel more less and less.
My feelings are a side effect of a deeper mental thing
This isnt true often it intensifys every emotion that it brings
I feel a suffication I don't feel I can be me.
I try to say these things yet the price of commication isn't free.
So I keep my feelings hidden cuz no one wants to hear
I bottle it up inside till alone my eyes begin to tear.
I don't know how to get the things that I really want
I watch all the couple's and their love they seem to flaunt
The happiness they feel enjoying all their time
All of it tarnished with my jellousys grime.
I want so much more a love so intense and great
With one or two it doesn't matter awaiting a true soul mate.
Despite all my efforts I feel so fragile and weak
I journey for a treasure strength of many I seek
But always out of reach
Never can I hold in hand
I throw the punches but never do they land
Often in a crowded room I can hear my silent scream
It all seems so surreal
All just a bad dream
A fake laugh escape then a smile so untrue
I do it all for your sake I do it all for you
I know you would be sad if you understood how I feel
Yet you don't quite comprehend it's ok I will deal.
So I'll sit alone and silent try my best not to cry
Even tho a part of me is starting to wither and die
Like a plant unwatered
A neverplanted seed
A broken stem of a rose all it does is bleed.
So I keep on living just barely day by day
For now I really believe for me happy is not my way.
I am meant for missery lonelyiness and pain
A little bit of mental a small taste of insane
So look for me in the darkness it is where I lye
It is where I'm meant to be untill my last goodbye.
Lonely is the word to describe
In my feelings I tend to hide
Wishing for a loves true kiss
But it's only a far away wish
No one cares about my needs
All the warnings no one heeds
the desperate plea in my eyes
As my hope for all love dies
Who am I to think it will work
Who am I to deserve that perk
To know that for me desire burns bright
That flame of longing for many a night.
Yet here I am alone a hole in my heart
Another puzzle missing a part
I am invisible the girl no one can see
Mostly because no one stays in love with me.
When I was 19 I was pregnant and lost my first baby when I was 22 I was pregnant with my husband found out it was a tubal pregnancy. Found out the odds of me carrying we're slim to none and if I did the baby would be dead or another tubal and would die anyways. I succomed myself to this fate. I became ok with it just being me. I don't want children anyways 26 I thought something was wrong I went to the doctor found out I was pregnant it attached just barely in the right place yet I had plecenta previa in the process. I felt betrayed by my own body felt this foreign object growing inside me was a parasite why. I was ok with me. Why did it have to be like this. Slowly as it grew I started to change my mind. I started to fall in love. It would kick me in the night and I grew accustomed to its tiny little fluttering. It was mine all mine...man I didn't know what love was. Yet there was a promblem. I wanted so much more for it than I could give. I wanted it with me always yo love on to cherrish but i knew this wasn't about me it was about what was best for it. Then the day came who was it going to be her or him. He was so beautiful seeing him n the screen watching him move. I decided then I had to give him to someone who can give him everything I can't. I would never not be there still but I couldn't povide for him the way he needed I couldn't give him stability. My own issues would project on to this innocent little defensless child and there was nothing I could do. 8 months later I woke in a pool of blood. Two days later my son came into this world I had him then I gave him up. You don't have to own someone to love them. Open adoption is a beautiful thing but my son is always 4 hours away from me and not a moment goes by when I don't miss him. I can't have any more childern doctors were fearful about how close I came to bleeding and although I signed the papers to get fixed they agreed that it was a good decision the likely hood of me having another child safely was too risky. I almost died bringing him into this world but I would died a million times to do it again...I love you still and everything I do is for you always.
U don't wanna hear me
You don't wanna listen
I scream into the air
But no one cares
I say montone I'm fine
Why can't you just pretend u care
Why do I have to seek others to help me feel ok.
You won't listen you rather everything be exactly the same.
Do the bare minimum to pacify the people you say you love.
Rage fills me that I should be able to lean on you for support.
But I lean and fall to the ground.
I pick myself up time and time again as I try to be vunerable for you.
You push me to be vunerable with u but u don't support me when I do.
It's just a hassle.
You sigh you droop your shoulders ignore my pain...
Act like it's Burden.
I will go to someone else that will listen to me at least.
Why can't I lean on u. I thought that's one of the benefit of being a team?
We are supposed to.
Once again I lay shattered on the floor like a fragile peace of China.
It's ok cuz you are teaching me to be ok without u.
I will pick myself up.
I will glue myself together.
Just know each time I do it myself I am further from ur grasp.
Not hat you are required to just wish u we're there to at least cheer me on.
You ignore me u act like my promblems aren't worth ur time.
I'll make it to where you ain't worth mine.
I don't need anyone.
I am stronger by myself.
I survived years of torment by myself.
It is easier to survive by myself.
I may be shattered China but you will be the fool to drop me.
The fool to watch me grow into something beautiful that won't want you anymore because I needed u to listen and you wouldn't.
Slilently fade into the background.
A dandlylion of little significance.
A wallflower you can say.
People seem to think there's something wrong with me.
All I want is them to actively pay attention to me.
But they don't.
Instead I fade into the wallpaper.
Just another ornament or painting on the wall.
Plain grey and washed out.
A pale repensentation of what I used to be.
Every once and a while someone walks by and looks, dabbles in my faded glory.
Oh yes we have her here and then again I am forgotten.
Next to my frame is a clock...
Tick tick tick...the time goes by.
Reminding me there is none for me.
Once vibrant and full of color now dull and lifeless.
What is the point.
Cool splatters of washed out colors splattered across the torn canvas that is me.
Tick tick tick
It's still going reminding always reminding me.
Time is not on my side.
Reminding me I'm running out of the most precious peace of me my time.
Tick tick tick.
Like a bomb.
And boom there's nothing left just a blur on the canvas nothing distinguishable.
Over time nothing will be left and the canvas will just rot, fade away, and blow off like dust in the wind.
And then there's is just nothing.
I lay in awkward silence...
Intimancy all but taken from me.
My ability to shut down has become my personality...
I say a few words he doesn't understand.
He sees only what he wants to see.
He seeks only to pacify me...
Hopes all issues will just disappear.
He sees nothing wrong with how things are.
I am so lonely.
I shouldn't be.
I have basic needs that just never seem to get satisfied.
There must be something seriously wrong with me.
Am I broken?
In my throat forms a lump but I can not cry.
I am weak my greatest fear to be alone.
I can be with myself and spend time with myself but oh how I just want someone to love me.
Not in the family way not in the friend way but to look at me with desire and passion.
To put me on equal ground.
To really make me into their partner.
No one does tho.
I turn over to lay in awkward silence on my other side the rain falls outside...the sky at least knows to spill it's greif.