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Detatchment and wishing illusions
I morph into different people to distance from myself
When I truly return inside the rage is blinding
The loathing is unimaginable
Twisted vines with thorns wrap themselves around my lungs, suffocating me and digging into me ever so deeply
The demons tug at my legs, their strength gradually increasing enough to bring me to the floor
I long to scratch myself up as they wish, as I deserve, until they allow me to jump out of my own skin
I long for my soul to be heard
My true self isn't enough, it's infuriating
They have taught me that time and time again
What a pity it is, you silly little girl
Do you really think this torture will stop
When it's all
You are built for
lovejunkie Jan 7
ღ ღ ღ

just a small
glint of sunlight
off my rake's tine
is more than enough
to shoot my mind into a
waking dream where we're
both five years young and i'm
looking down at a minnows darting
past in a perfect pool in a creek that dried
up twenty years ago while you squeal and
try to catch them in a little green plastic net
and we're perfectly contented skipping stones
in the fountain of youth & then flying bright kites
we both hold so tightly that they start to drag us and pull
us both and lift us up up up into and through the clearest
of blues skies on the perfect indian summer afternoon
clear through to the bestest of picnic spots upon
the moon where night is always falling so we
tell each other campfire stories among
the tall candy-cane stalagmites like
how i have loved you since the
very first second that ever
was and will love you
to the very last second
that ever will be
at the very end of
time
which you
think is just ******
and how when i reach
up to and into that
inky blackness of
space and time and
pull down a very
small handful
of stars to give
you to wear as
a necklace you
instead squish a
soft-serve ice cream
cone into the top of my
head so instead we have a
marvelous lunch of invisible tea
and weightless crumpets dripping
the sweetest transparent raspberry jam
and i build you a palace out of blankets and
chairs with icicle chandeliers and sugar-coated
bells and i tuck you into your trampoline bed
and sing to you a sweeeeet lullaby written
especially for your ears alone in the key
of zeeeeee with mumblebees and
flutterbies harmonizing to
leave your cheeks flushed
with cosmic delight and
you drift softly off away
frosted by the sandman's
dusty nostalgia and when you
wake up we are both as we once
were now again close & safe
and i give you a soft goodnight
kiss on your forehead (as i like to
do no matter how old you may get)
and in this dream my i-love-you's can
still gather every one of your pain-filled tears
to refill the whirls of that creek drying them
from your rosy cheeks and i can
hear your very first cry across
these years since i
first held you in
in my arms
so fresh so tiny
with a whole life
still ahead of you
and i hear your voice
still calling out somehow
back into memory instead
of mere day-dreaming

ღ ღ ღ

daddy, puhhhleeze
can we jump in the leaves?

(i am still dreaming thinking i
have woken up though now my
dream is made of real memory)
as little ones wake me from
my mind's journey far away
and out of my brief whimsy
and with a smile i say sure!
and they all run and jump and
scream and the smell of those
leaves filled with a sweetness
that comes with that slight decay makes
me breathe so deeply but not before thinking
i caught a glimpse of you in the very corner of my
blue eyes whose vision fades but not before thinking
i heard at long last once again the most beautiful laugh the
world has ever given to a woman and i drop my rake and i
join the girls in destroying the piles of leaves i'd so carefully unconsciously made while my i was away with you on the moon

ღ ღ ღ

later on amongst the smell of those
same leaves burning in a barrel we eat
four of the pumpkin cupcakes i baked
last night leaving one always for you
covered in these outrageous amounts of
cream-cheese icing that i can never seem to
put on just-so and after i tuck them in snugly i
go up to the attic and pull out that old answering
machine and i look at the picture from the first time
that i ever saw you, one of those grainy black & white
sonogram stills, and i listen low to a soft voice frozen in
amber "I miss you, Dad.. and I love you" and i just play an
old answering machine tape until it might break so i stop but
that sweetest voice echos it carries those most magical of words
upon a sprinkling of tears just then a tiny little yellow finch lands
on the little window sill so i blow it a kiss and it flies away while i
call out to it with a whisper say, if you ever happen to be passing
through heaven or meadowlark could you do me the favour of
delivering this kiss i lent your yellow wings to the forehead of
the one woman in the whole wide world with as beautiful
a smile to match the sublime music of her laughter
that
only a parent can recognize the perfect melody within
& once-upon-a-time i may have almost lost her but
i can feel through her messages slowly opening
up even a little my precious daughter may
be coming back to me even though i'm
slowly learning that she has never
ever, forever and ever, never
really left me at all she has
just been living her life

ღ ღ ღ
a (mostly) true story
flowing through my
consciousness and
a recipe for her

Pumpkin Cupcakes

1 cup of flour
1 tsp of baking soda
1 tsp of cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
pinch of nutmeg
pinch of cloves
pinch of allspice
1 cup of sugar
2 eggs
1/2 cup of oil
1 cup of pumpkin

In a bowl, combine sugar and eggs. Mix until well incorporated. Add oil. Beat at medium speed for 3 minutes. In another bowl, combine flour, baking soda, cinnamon, salt, nutmeg, cloves. Beat the dry ingredients into the egg mixture. Add pumpkin. Mix well. Bake at 350* for 20 minutes (oven time varies) or until toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Cream Cheese Buttercream

1/2 cup of shortening
1/2 cup of butter, slightly softened
8 oz. of cream cheese
1 tablespoon of vanilla
2 lbs. (one bag) of powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon of salt

On high speed mix shortening, butter, and cream cheese until fluffy and well combined. (Do not soften cream cheese, that will affect the consistency of the frosting.) Add the vanilla and salt. Mix. Beat in the powdered sugar slowly.

If it is too thick, add a little milk (1/2 a tbsp) at a time, until it is just right.

ღ ღ ღ

Sometimes it's not what you see, but the way that you see it.
lovejunkie Dec 2018
the very hardest
thing i've found so
far about being a parent
is having to risk losing your
relationship with your child, but
loving them too much not to tell them
the truth on which they depend on you
for, if not from anyone else in the world.
amos lee - keep it loose, keep it tight
https://youtu.be/9xt8dVLPLFc

— The End —