You were crystal clear like
No clouds in the night sky.
Stars twinkling in the distance.
Our reflection in the lake.
When you told me
That you loved me.

You were opaque like opal
When you told me you
Weren't sure anymore.
You wanted to take a break
Fully aware that we were at risk
Of cracking, of shattering -
That was worth sacrificing for you.
But your conflicting confusing wording
Led me to believe there was hope.

I should let a caged bird fly away
See the world
Experience it all
Wait for it to come back home,
Patiently and faithfully.

You kept me in this in-between,
I had the naive belief
That the sediment would settle
If I did,
You would too.

All the sediment:
The broken promises
Tears dried on my cheeks
Drinks half-drank on the kitchen counter
Hours unslept and floors unswept,
And words I recorded and reworded
In an effort to best remember and reframe you.

All this sediment coated my mind and home.
I thought it would accumulate to enough carbon
To create a diamond under enough pressure
If we put our love together when we came back together
It would be set in our wedding rings
But you never did.
You not coming back became crystal clear eventually,
And the smoke and mirrors eventually faded.

So I blew away the dust
Began the cleanse.
The search.
Instigated and led by me.