I just wanna scream “come take your manic mind and destroy my ******* body! Use a knife, make it rough, **** me hard, bring me to that moment where you know you ******* own me. Then record me moaning as you ******* choke me, until there’s only whimpers, lost in ecstasy…in each other’s bodies, minds finally set free.”

She awoke from her dream
Thoughts going awry.
Alive…?
…What…am…I?
Have I ever known?

I’m not sure where I am
Lights are buzzing overhead
I blink
Blink again

A door opens
I try to take a look around
I am weak
My head barely lifts

A hand grabs mine
“Do you know who I am?”
I look over through bleary eyes
Uhhhh no, I don’t even know where I am.
This must be Hell, for it’s the only place I could ever truly be alive.

“Uhhhh….You’re where your meant to be, what do you mean?”

Why …..
WHY AM I HERE?
Anger ensues
I scream  
I beg
I plead
JUST SEND ME BACK!
“WE SAVED YOUR LIFE!”, the voice speaks again, more intensely this time.

“And who are you to decide who lives and who dies?! “
No response

FUUUCCCCK

Hands are on me  
“We need you to calm down, you’re not making any sense.”

I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

“Yes you are, life is precious”

I laugh….and laugh again.

“You’ve just got to learn to live, you’ll understand one day.”

You humans never understand
My anger grows

“You have a reason to live!”, the voices plead with me.

I feebly lift my head,
I recognize no one in the room.
“*******” I yell, “you don’t even know me!”

I try to sit up, I am incapable.
“Ma’am, ma’am, please take it easy, we just brought you back to life, you we lost you three times.

Tears begin streaming
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here…..

They say your birthmark is how you previously died.
It was the devils hands that killed you in your past life
Or if you’re lucky, he literally loved you to death
Sin and sin again,cause I’m the devils bride
My birthmarks deep and dark on my inner thigh
I was getting head as I ******* died.
I’ve always wanted to go out big, memorable for life.
I just want to ****** as I’m ******* dying

I’ve got mine,
And you’ve got yours.
Reasons that is.
If I’m too much, too crazy, too weird for you…
Hello, there’s the door.
I don’t dwell in the superficial, the shallowness, that plagues others day to day.
I am unapologetically me,
Come what may.
At least I am honest with the battles I face.
Even if I stumble, at least it’s with grace…
And some “**** this!” along the way.
I don’t fake, I don’t hide, I won’t pretend to be fine
I battle demons you could never comprehend.
It takes a gentle person to even begin to understand.
Thankfully I’ve got an army, who is  always willing to step in.
You say I’m too brash, too honest, to open
But have you asked why I am the way that I am?
Hello, there’s the door.

Sometimes I just stare out the window
No idea where my head even goes
I’m disassociating again
The demons are coming in
I just want to let them
Take over, control me
It’s so much easier to just give them the reigns
I’m much more fun that way
People seem to like me better anyway
Now I’m the boring girl
I’m getting my head straight
All this positivity is making people irate
What am I to do?
I’ve never lived for myself
Never existed
Never been able to see a future
They’re petting my head
Telling me it’s okay
Just let go
Cut, loose
I’m staring out the window again
Disassociation should be a sin
I can’t let these demons win

Normally Music is my go to
But I put myself in senseory overload
Now I don’t know what to do
Cause my brain is going crazy
Crying, I’ve got an attitude
So ******* worried about you

It’s been a minute since I’ve felt like such a  **** *****
But at this moment I’m just sick of your ****,
The drugs are controlling you
Watching you just need a quick high right when the most important person in your life wanted to be with you

My brain is on overload
Always worried about you
Can’t even sleep at night when you don’t come home
Toss, turn, sweat, im in overdrive
Why do you do this to yourself
Why won’t you listen?
I’ve been nothing but truthful with you
Tried everything I know to help you
Refused to enable you
Only got harsh cause I wasn’t getting through.

I can’t even look you in the eyes anymore, my heart breaks again and again
You’re someone I don’t recognize
I’ve seen demons up close and personal
But baby you’re a creature I don’t know
It’s killing my soul, killing my vibe
Thinking I could lose you at any time

You’ve been my ******* best friend
Since the day that we began, instant connection
You walked into my life and we swore to never end  
Now I don’t know what to do, thinking I could lose you

I think I’m going crazy
Worrying sick over you
I know it’s not my battle, but we fight for who we love
And ****** babe, I truly love you

I’m screaming out your name
Trying to get through to you
Cause crying on your chest and begging you to quit didn’t do ****
You don’t give a ****, so really why should I
But ****, I’m gonna lose it if you die
So I’ll continue to fight for you

You’re my ******* best friend
We’ve done been through it time and again
We’ve always had each others backs through thick or thin, you got me through when I went off the deep end and lost my **** so many times.
So I’ll never give up on you
But it hurts so much watching you die slow

Even as a child I knew I was mad
I never did think the way others do
I was settled with this
Inevitably, I succumbed to my darkness
This is just who I am  
Madness and sadness all scribbled together

You say all the right things
But only when you’re drunk
You laugh when I remind you
I laugh too

I’m in trouble, you’re a rebound
I could care less either way
But now you think that I am falling
and I’m pretty sure I’m gay
You don’t have big **** energy
You couldn’t hold this by a thread
You saw my heart beat in front of you
And left me standing there for dead
Thinking feelings were the problem
But you are a ****** friend
And now I will stop calling you
This really is the end
I’d say thank you for the memories
But I was the one making them
So here’s goodbye to my rebound
Thanks for nothing my fake friend

“I think I normalize that because of my childhood.”

And my eyes rolled hard.
For like the 10th time tonight.