I am the bullet,
Freed by a pull of the trigger
And the kick of the hammer.
Filled with hatred,
Clad in cold steel,
I am emotionless.
Built for war
And born to ****,
My purpose:
To end lives, nothing more.

****** expressions
Are like puzzles.
The mouth, the eyes and eyebrows
Are each a mini puzzle
That together represent emotion.

Furrowing of the eyebrows,
Lips pulled back into a snarl
To expose the teeth.
Anger.

Mouth pulled downwards,
Eyes filled with tears
And cheeks are reddened.
Sadness, perhaps grief.

But looks can be deceiving too.
A true smile:
Crinkling beside the eyes
And the lips pulled upwards.
A false smile:
No crinkling beside the eyes
And the lips forcefully pulled upwards.
No happiness
Nor truth.

****** expressions are like riddles,
Riddles that hide emotion.
They can mask the truth,
Conceal pain.
A mere web of lies.
What does that make ****** expressions?
Paradoxes?
Tools of manipulation?

As quick as a flash,
They switch
From one emotion to another
Before enough time is gathered
To solve the puzzles,
The ever confusing riddles.
Before I can solve
The meaning of the mouth,
The eyes
And the eyebrows.
Remaining forever a mystery.

A teacher’s words:
“Why didn’t you listen?
Listen more and pay more attention!”

The sound of laughter,
From your comrades
And the smile that twitches your lips.
Oh boy, you’re enjoying this,
I can tell you are
From that suppressed smirk upon your face.
You’ve been waiting
And waiting for this opportunity.
Ever since that day
I had to correct your teaching
Of faulty sign language.
You’ve done it,
Leaping at it like a starving vulture.

Why didn’t I listen?
You know full well why.
You see these blue moulds
And these little machines
Hanging by each ear?
I pointed them out to you
And told you
That I am deaf
When we first met a few months ago.
You tell me to listen more
And to pay more attention
I do not choose
When I can and can’t hear.
Nor do I choose
What I want and do not want to hear.

You sit here,
Calling yourself a supporter of deaf awareness
And you founded
The British Sign Language club.
You try to teach people sign language,
And to raise awareness and knowledge
Of deafness and Deaf culture
.Yet, you sit here
And scream at me,
Telling me to listen more
Instead of not listening.
Why call yourself a supporter
If you barely understand the disability?
You yell at me for not listening
But I am deaf
And you have researched it
And even tried to raise awareness.
Why are you a learning support assistant
If you abuse your position
And never understand disabilities?

These words:
"Deafy!"
"******!"
"*****!"
"Flithy ***!"
"Freak!"

Then the pain:
A crack against my jaw,
Stars bursting before me
And flooding my vision
With red and gold and orange.
Spinning,
Stumbling,
Falling through the air.
A punch to the stomach
Robs me of my breath,
Leaving me gasping for air,
Helpless,
Winded,
Stranded.
Cheeks burn with a fire
As though laced with petrol
And set alight.
Pain courses through my body,
Sapping me of strength.

Cruel laughter as sharp as knives
Cuts through the air
And deep into my flesh,
As cold as steel.
Haunting,
Echoing through my mind
And rebounding inside my skull.

Where have I fallen?
What have I done?
I have done nothing wrong.
My deafness
And the words dancing,
Gliding,
From my reach,
I cannot control.
My intellect and emotions
Are strange,
Different,
Enigmatic.
My speech is shaky
As I strive for words,
Words within the tumbled mass
Of my mind.
These almond shaped eyes,
My nose, with a strange structure:
Not quite Chinese
Nor English;
I did not choose.
My love for him
And my love for her
Make me a vulnerable target.
My short hair
And masculine nature
And determination to be a boy
Separate me,
Exclude me and expose me to
The taunts
And the teasing;
The shoves,
The pushes.
The crowding and the touching
Until I scream, tear my vocal chords
And burst my lungs:
"Leave me alone!"

Spinning,
Falling,
Stumbling
Against the force.
Tears burning my eyes,
Cheeks burning
Against the pain.
Skin leaking blood
From the scratches
Inflicted by nails.
Where do I stand in this?
I am the blunt of your anger,
I know for sure.
Anger
That is not my responsibility.
A recipient of hatred
For aspects
That I cannot control.
My world crumbling,
Self-confidence shattering,
Spiraling into depression,
Depths of suicide
And self-loathing.
Taciturnity
And numbness.
Until the world is nothing
More than a blurred picture,
Far from my grasp.

Please, tell me:
What have I done wrong?
How have I hurt you?
Why do I deserve this?
For I do not understand.
Where have I fallen?
What have I done?

The world
Is out of control,
Spinning from my grasp.
Routine is broken;
Vision filled with
An intense red.
The dread begins.

Sounds sharp and loud;
Light stabbing knives;
Confusion,
Chaos,
Disorder.
Panic rising;
Anger bubbling;
Fear brewing;
Hatred invading.

Erupting screams,
Primal and animal,
Ripping through my vocal chords.
Sinking teeth into flesh,
Feeling the pain
Shoot through my arm.
My fists smash against my body;
Nails clawing into skin;
Head cracking onto the floor.
Tears blur my vision,
Pouring down my burning cheeks,
Dripping to the floor
To form tiny puddles.

Calm down! Get a grip!
Shut up, shut up!
You broke my routine,
And took your *******
Anger out on me!
Made my life hell.
Nothing works
And I hate you;
Leave me alone!

Losing control
To the emotions
That forever dominate;
And the shutdowns
That render me mute.
The world is in chaos and disorder!
Through the jumbled thoughts,
And ravaging emotions:
Anger,
Hatred,
Fear,
And panic.
I can hear a small voice,
Somewhere in the darkness:
“It’s just another meltdown,
Once you are calm
Everything will be fine.”
Running from people,
Locking myself away:
An endless cycle
Of fear and dread.
Of another one of them:
A ******* meltdown!

Drip, drip, drip…
The sound of blood
Falling from his nose
And pattering softly
Against the white basin of the sink:
Explosions of intense red
Against a blinding white.

Breaths ragged and short,
Lungs burning,
As if iron bands
Are compressing his ribcage,
Crushing the air
From his chest
With each sob,
Each breath he takes.

Remembering the beating:
A crack against his jaw;
Stars bursting before him
And flooding his vision
With red and gold and orange.

Thoughts ringing through his mind:
My name is Takumi;
Taka, Taka Moore.
As he clutches the basin,
Feeling the steel cold
Biting deep into his flesh,
Razor sharp and icy.

Spinning,
Stumbling,
Falling through the air.
A punch to the stomach
Robs him of his breath,
Leaving him gasping for air,
Helpless,
Winded,
Stranded.

Why are they hurting me?
What do they want?
He is a freak,
A freak of nature –
Worthless, unloved, dirt.
I am worthless;
i am a freak.

He doesn’t want to catch a glimpse,
A glimpse of himself in the mirror
And into the grim portal of reality.
But he slowly lifts his head
And gaze to his reflection.

With his eyes,
He traces his uncontrollable black hair,
Sticking up in all places
No matter how much he wets it;
Then his eyes:
Slightly almond shaped,
Stormy and dark,
Filled with a never ending sadness –
Shimmering and brimming over with tears.
Cheeks shining with tears
As they fall
Silent and quick.

“Taka?”
A voice – Hayato’s.
There he stands in the doorway:
Light brown hair ruffled
His eyes, with the faintest almond shape,
Wide: shock, fear?
“Taka, what happened?”

Hayato…
Why did you have to walk in on me like this?
To see me
So beaten?
So defeated?

Silent,
Mute,
Taciturn.
He can only stare
As the tears fill Hayato’s eyes.
His face convulsing and contorting
As he fights back the sobs.

“Taka, who did this to you?”
Hayato:
So small yet so strong
With a fiery determination
To fight with love for his big brother.
His helpless big brother.

Clutching the basin
As if clinging for dear life.
Taka doubles over.
“No one,” he whispers,
Forcing his vocal chords to work.
Shame and humiliation
Burning his cheeks.
“No one that you know.”
He cannot let anyone
Hurt Hayato,
Lay a finger on him,
Not even a hair.
But not like this –
This fragile and pathetic form.

A hand on his shoulder -
Hayato’s hand –
His warmth and support.
“Why won’t you tell me?
Please, Taka, tell me.
Who were they?
Did you fight back?”

A shake of the head,
Violent and brief.
“No, Hayato,
If I did, I could face suspension,
Then all my dreams
Would be shattered in that one instant.”

A silence settles upon the two,
Blanketing them
And immersing them for a few moments,
Before it is finally shattered:
“Taka…”
Hayato’s voice, ringing in Taka’s ears.

“Hayato,” Taka’s voice:
Immediately slicing through Hayato’s words.
Blunt and cutting to his own ears.
Suddenly powerful,
Filled with a newfound determination.
“I have a favour to ask you.”

A sniff
And more tears falling.
Hayato nods his head.
Good.
Taka is glad.

“Please, Hayato…”
He can hear his voice breaking already,
Cracking in that fleeting moment.
His eyes wide,
He looks up,
Hands trembling
As the tears course down his cheeks.
And the emotions overwhelm him:
Agony, sadness, anger and desperation.
His body racking with sobs.
“Teach me to be normal!”

Bright lights,
Sharp sounds,
Overwhelming -
A world of confusion.
Swarming crowds
Mouths move silently:
Floating words
Dancing from my reach.
Chaos and disorder
No routine,
No order.
A world without sense,
No head nor tail.
No direction.

Encased in liquid diamond.
Trapped,
Lost,
Outcast,
Stranger.
Who am I?
What am I?
Taciturn,
Mute,
Fragile.
Words tangled,
Mind scrambled,
No beginning or end.
Skin contact
Burns like wildfire.
Eye contact
Disconcerting.
Emotionless,
Without ****** expression.
Ravaging emotions inside
With no left or right;
No stigma, no control.
I am not a psychopath
Nor a sociopath.
But an enigma,
A paradox
Yet to be understood.

A lost jigsaw piece,
From a world of order,
A world of routine
And understanding.
Flung into a world
Of chaos and disorder.
An insane world
Of alienation,
Rejection
And pain.
Laughter and cruel taunts,
As sharp as knives:
"You're in your own world;
You don't belong here.
Go back to where you came from,
And stay there!"

My world:
No chaos, no disorder.
Routine and repetition.
A world without hurt
And pain.
It's my place to escape to,
My world
And my world only.
A jigsaw puzzle
That no one else can solve.
My shield and shell.
But my descending spiral
Into loneliness,
Sadness
And taciturnity.
A constant tug of war
Between my world and reality.
A will to break free
Of my misunderstood mind,
And to be like them:
The "normal" people.
To be able to speak
Of my own free will,
To not be trapped
By periods of muteness.
To be free of routine
And repetition.
Fear pulls me back
Hurls me back to my world:
A world of safety,
Warmth,
And sense.
Away from the bright lights,
Away from the sharp sounds.
Engulfed by soothing darkness,
Immersed in the comforting silence.
No more crowds.
Just me and myself,
No other company.

I am irregular:
Chaos walking,
A living bomb.
You are regular:
A jigsaw piece,
A part of this world,
A world of madness
And confusion.
Teach me,
The cogs and wheels
Of this world.
Teach me to be like you -
To speak,
Catch those dancing words
And to read
Those face expressions:
The meaning of a smirk,
The definition of a frown,
The significance of a wince.
Intellect, emotions and empathy.
To operate without routine.
No repetition.
And I'll teach you,
How my world works,
How the pieces
Fit and bind together.
The clockwork,
And the never ending echoes.
And at last
A spark of hope,
A beginning.
The mark of a new era,
An era of understanding,
And conveying.
No more questions,
No more confusion.
We can finally fit together,
And at last,
I am a part of your jigsaw puzzle.

Normality
Is all I want.
Functioning in normality,
To function
In this insane world.
A world of madness and confusion.

I can feel myself slipping
From this world
And slowly sinking
Into the depths of darkness –
Watching those familiar faces
Fade from my grasp
Instead becoming consumed
By confusion,
Fear
And muteness.
The iron bars of my cage.

Plunging into my thoughts,
A never ending sea of blackness.
Slowly suffocating
As the barriers fortify
Around my mind.
A cry, a scream for help
As I pound at the strengthening barriers:
Someone help me!
Let me out of here!
Before taciturnity robs me
Of my speech.
Routines and repetitions,
And my own world engulfs me.

Muteness and trembling.
Please, Taci, speak!
Your voice, the panic, the worry
As you grasp my shoulders
And shake me
With an unknown fear
As if to break me from this state.
Why can’t you speak?
My own eyes wide
As I stare at you,
Dumbfounded and fearful.

Sinking deeper into the depths
Of my mind:
Slipping further and further
Into routines and obsessions.
Voices are faded, from another world,
Alien and vague
Spoken in another language.
Incomprehensible and of no meaning,
No use to me!

You watch me on the other side
Of the invisible barrier;
Your hand blocked from my reach.
No matter how hard,
How much you want to help
And try,
Nothing can be done
To stop me from
Slipping through your fingers.

I gaze from afar
Through the tiny window of my mind.
Watching you all laugh, smile and cry.
What do your emotions mean?
What are they for?
What do your face expressions mean?
I am not built for this world:
Too fragile and brittle.
One hit and I'll smash
Into a million billion shards.
My obsessions
Perceived as ecccentric.
My way of speaking -
The shakiness in my voice
And the muteness
Deemed abnormal.
I am an alien becoming more alien.
My language and my mind
Both unsolved paradoxes.

“You’re cold.”
Your words.
They ring in my mind,
rebounding inside my skull
and echoing for eternity.
Sharp little knives
that slice through my brain.

I’m not cold.
I’m as emotional
as emotional can be.
I may lack ****** expression,
body language
and gestures.
But I’m not cold.

You may think
that I do not care;
that I have no compassion
or love for other people.
But I'm certainly not cold.

I'm off to Planet Aspergia!
See you guys later!
I'm off to reign with dinosaurs
and immerse myself
in the laws of physics,
brewing of chemistry,
the mechanisms of biology,
and the fantastical world of numbers!

I'm off to Planet Aspergia!
See you guys later!
I'm off to a world
where toe-walking is the norm;
and ****** expressions are meaningless, lost.
Words aren't muddling:
No more sarcasm,
no more metaphors;
and no more misunderstanding!

I'm off to Planet Aspergia!
See you guys later!
Where I'll bury into my obsessions:
dinosaurs and infectious diseases,
here I come!
Goodbye, everyone!
Hello, Aspergia!

Adrenaline pulses through my veins;
My heart is ready to beat
As I leap from the edge of the cliff.
My once bound wings unfurl
Catching the air and lifting me upwards,
Upwards to my freedom.

The bonds have broken:
The chains of deafness shattered,
And the ropes of autism snapped.
Gone are the dancing words
That slide from my grasp;
Gone is the suffocating silence
That once formed the iron bars of my cage.
No more confusion – chaos and disorder;
No barrier that separated me
From the crowds.
Socialisation, ****** expressions, emotions
Together form a language
That I can now truly understand!

“There will always be a light
At the end of the tunnel.”
"Don't dream it; believe it!"
Words spoken a few months ago,
Filled with hope and love
That would save my descending
And spiralling world.
Laughter, my laughter
Streams beside me
As I rocket through the air
Towards the rising sun:
My future, my hope.
No more misunderstanding;
No more enigma or taciturnity!
Nothing will stop me
From fulfilling my dreams now
And belonging to this world!

I have two wondrous little switches,
One by each ear.
I turn them to off
And my world becomes clear.
I'm transported to a place,
Inside my head,
Hidden and locked away.
Where sounds
And face expressions
Are meaningless, lost.
Face expressions take on new meaning,
Angry, loving or smiling?
I look into these faces
And I ask myself:
Just what are these ears hiding?

I live in binary worlds
One with sound,
And the other without.
One is normal,
Mouths silently moving,
Sounds muffled and distance,
Words dancing from my reach.
The other, dragons abound.

This is my own world
Built with my rules,
And my imagination.
Myself and myself only.
I am the king and the queen;
The prince and the princess;
The sun in the sky
And the flame in the darkness.
I am the evil wizard,
And the mage of light.

This my own place,
My own place to escape to.
My oasis and serenity.
No more misunderstanding,
No more rejection,
Pain and hurt.
This is how I am different,
Different from you.