nostalgia calling my name
my heart racing
my mind searching for inner peace
let's make love while the moon's still dancing
bite my lip and allow me to engrave
myself into your soul and memory

melancholy waiting somewhere behind the morning
my soul drowning
my mind flattered by an aurora
cover my skin with the spirit of saudade, frowning
touch me and remind me who I am
in the lust of ever after.

The streams have set themselves
We watch the sky close down for business
I stressed to you clearly my anxious tendencies
And you still trembled beneath me, acting empty!
You stroke your hair like you have nothing else to hold on to
When my clothes lay openly by your door
And I hold the stub of a cigarette tightly looking for a reason to let you back in bed
After the heavy drinking
I want to hide the stories of my past somewhere where I don't sleep
I want you to just remember how close we used to be
Before you lost my loyalty and I lost your respect

Some part of my frame of being has me still pouring a lot of desire into you
I hold on to my lucidity in dreaming to have my time with you
When you won't even answer me when I simply ask you how you've been
I knowingly continue just loving you in my dreams, knowing that if I wake up you'll be back to hating me
After all the growing I have done, I can't drown out those stupid words and wishes
You'll never be the person I met when I was years lonelier and angrier and crazier
I can never make it up to you, I don't intend to see you as a friend
I tend to see you as the person who was the end of me
I have shed skins over months and nails and hair follicles have followed me down roads
That I stumbled drunkenly with my empty bottle of *****
From Nevada City to Penn Valley, alive finally, openly screaming for the world
To come take me for the last ride, hoping for the car to hit me
Discovering a pack of cigarettes left in a parking lot, covered and unspoiled by rain water

You see I could never ask for a curse because the point was to get a blessing in disguise
I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know it wasn't headlights
I needed this anger and this pain, I needed to hurt you, to change you, to help you grow
It was so I was out of there, you split me open so I could pick up the pieces
And though I will probably never even get that cup of coffee you sort-of half-way didn't really offer,
I still miss you. So I'll just pick up the glass and keep mending the mirror
Because I'll never mend the fences with you
And that's fine, my reflection is enough for me, the reflection of you that you saw in me...
It's my subconscious vision of who you still are to me.
The love I can see in my hellish, haunting, harrowing, narrowing, beautiful sunbathing with you nightmares

All alone on a starry night, was I
Not like I had none before
Longing for your arms around, was I
Waiting for you at the door.

My heart said it was hard
To learn that you left me
And then fell apart
Broken in anguish to be.

Love, it was, never a joke
Being with you was better than dope
Now I'm made to carry this yoke
All in vain and no hope.

All alone on a starry night, again
I stand - wiping my tears - bold
Your love shall I never regain
Your hands shall I never hold.

You have no idea how long I thought about that letter.
Or how many rough drafts I wrote, noted, and then ripped up.
Or how badly i thought I would throw up on the way there.
And did you notice how much I was shaking? and for a moment I forgot that anything had changed. That we don't speak anymore.
Then I left, still shaking, but I wish I could have, somehow, still been there.
Known what your parents said when the door slammed shut. Known what you did.
Did you look at them right away? or wait until you fixed your sleepy hair?
Did you walk into the kitchen because your mom wanted to see them? Spill them out onto the counter and she picks up the blue envelope and say, "What's this?" or did you run up to your room-up the stairs and to the right- close the door, sit on your bed, and pull them out carefully and gently?
Were you surprised when you pulled out the envelope? or did you just know that that's how I am?
Did you want to read it? or were you scared?
I wish I could have seen you open it, because I think I can imagine your careful fingers.
But not your eyes. I wish I could have seen your eyes. Because eyes are the windows to the soul and one time your soul was in love with mine.
Did you think , "oh, lined paper. that's just like her."? because that's what the point was.
Was the amount of "I'm sorry"s too much? or appreciated?
And what did you think when you turned it over? Did it make you hate me? or think of me?
Did you have to read it more than once to take it in?
And after you folded it back up, is it sitting on the table next to your bed? or maybe in the drawer or in a wallet or a box or a secret place that no one knows?
Did you relive our memories? or have you already blocked those out of your mind?
Did you fight back the urge to text me about it? or did you just already never want to speak to me again?
And I dont know why, but you told your friends about the letter but not what was in it.
Not waht it said. And if I could know one thing, it quite possibly could be why you didn't tell them what I had said.
Was it becaue you didn't want her to find out?
Was it to protect me from her?
or was it because it was special to you?
That, even though we are not together and we don't want to be and nothing will ever happen, nor should it, you feel the same way and there's still something there for you too?
Was it on your mind the whole day? or was it easy to forget?
and was your tweet at 1:32 a.m. about me?
Can I just pretend it was anyways? because it makes me feel better.
Do you miss talking?
I miss talking.
I miss you bringing me Mountain Dews and going to Roxberry every Monday night for three weeks and Zupas and doing homework together and Stairway to Heaven and taking two hours to say goodnight and shooting stars and talking about Paris and wanting to drop out of school and run away and Disneyland- Man do I miss Disneyland!- and California and watching the color show with your arm around me and Soaring Over California and you pushing me in your dad's wheelchair and holding hands and running to get onto the Ferris Wheel on time and you went in one of the nonswinging carriages for me and overlooking all of the park and I wanted you to kiss me but I was scared and we rode the Little mermaid ride with me a million times and we rode the teacups and you rode Dumbo with me and I felt like a little girl again and you walked through Sleeping Beauty's castle with me cause I love it so much and you got so scared when that little guy jumped out and I really liked you then and letting you drive my car and blasting music when it rains and going to concerts and you letting me choose the radio stations and going to Thanksgiving Point and you hating that salad that I loved and cuddling on my lawn in the freezing cold and "what would you do if I fell asleep right now?"  "I dunno. I'd probably stay here." "Good." and yeah it was a full moon and you sneaking out cause I was scared to death but you got caught and your mom was mad and I had to make cookies and write a note and I think she really hated me and my sparkly Paris shirt that got glitter all over you and "What should I write a poem about?" cause you were the only one I was comfortable enough with to ask that and hanging out with you and Thomas and how you couldn't figure out how to use the library and your truck and making bets on football games and helping you with your eagle project and I didn't know anyone that was there so I talked to your mom and then I stayed over probably for too long and we looked up music on iTunes and we never stopped texting and you making me muffins and trying to steal my phone and read it and how you told me that I made you want to be a better person and that you told me that you think I'm a good singer and how much you hated edamame but I don't know why and you always wanted me to try sea food and listen to your music and how you let me just come over and vent and cry to you when I was in a fight with my mom and I told you I wasn't going home and I would sleep in my car and you told me I could sleep in your basement and how understanding and kind you were.
and the only thing I can still say is I'm sorry.

I'm reading your favorite
book right now.

It's the last week of school
And I'm sitting here in bed crying because I'm scared.
And I'm scared because you'll be leaving.
And I don't want you to leave because you've been my hope and strength.
I don't know if you fully understand either
The way I look up to you.
All the locked messages from you on my phone.
The way my eyes scan the crowd for you between classes,
just hoping to make eye contact; maybe to reassure me that you havn't forgotten me.
Do you understand why I text you so much?
I simply want to just talk to you.
I feel like were not going to talk much soon, so I feel a need to get it all in now.
Maybe if you don't fully understand why I do all that I do,
think of the way you think about Bug.
Now do you understand?
I feel bad*
Because I want to get you a really nice graduation present,
but I just don't have the time to do what I was planning.
And I feel bad because I've gotten mad at you when I shouldn't.
And I've said things I shouldn't have, and I probably hurt you.
So I feel bad.
And I feel bad because I think I'm being selfish.
Not wanting you to leave.
Am I?

They say some people come and go and have little impact.
Others leave footprints on your heart.
I hope you know which one you are.
You have changed me in a way I will never be able to describe.
You have been a way better friend than I deserve.
You are beautiful and you are going to go far.
I believe in you. I love you. And I thank God for you every single day.

Tired of being hated
Her life was dictated
By the scars on her wrist
Her blood burns and twists

One day all alone
She realized she had no home
Parents yelling downstairs
Siblings crying upstairs

Staring at a reflection
That had taken so much rejection
Her mind was now made
She could never be saved

A heart so deeply hurt
She was clearly alert
The moment came without a sound
Now she's there on the ground.