you will never understand
the power of what i write
because you are not a poet

you will never be able to feel
the strong emotions of words
because you are not a poet

you will never see life as i do
because simply
you are not a poet

i am begging for sunshine
in places it cannot glow

but i was living in a fantasy. there was never an us. because if you spell out loud “us,” i forgot to include the you. you. you were the only thing missing from us. i constantly longed for your presence but you were too hung over of the “us” between you and yourself.

i was willing to teach
but
you did not want to learn
                  
                           - how to love

tell me how is it easy
for you put yourself to rest
each & every cold night
knowing that i am home
crying tears of you in the dark
cradling myself as a baby
in my bed of depressed moisture
as you once did comfortingly
when you were committedly mine

spring break of two thousand fifteen my family & i traveled to florida. i was limited to my activities because of how fragile i was. keep in mind i just admitted to my family about my eating disorder so we were still adjusting to everything. my sister went to an amusement park without me which was probably the first time being truly separated on vacation. i was upset but i understand that if i went i would not have enjoyed the time there much. she came back late with a big disney bag in her hand swinging it in front of my eyes. inside the bag was disney's despicable me minion themed accessories. a shirt. socks. slippers. & a stuffed animal. it was like the sun exploded in front of my eyes as the goods were decorated with yellow creatures of big eyes with goggles & blue overalls. truth be told i was not so excited to receive this gift because i never saw the movie & who wanted endless yellow gifts? that night of receiving the gifts i decided to trade in my traveling stuffed animal for the yellow plush minion. i wrapped the yellow creature close to my body as i wore the yellow socks my sister also gifted me. the next morning i felt different. i felt a little more me. the old me that has been dead for a long time. i wanted to try to eat something for once. i think i was kind of hungry that morning. the minions rescued me. i was saved from death because of them. because my sister got me them. to comfort me during a dark time. to this day my favorite movie is despicable me. i am a collector of anything having to do with the movie. my room is now colored yellow with about thirty minions scattered all over the place. i have been saved.

oh my heart
how much it hurts
for i long for a love
that is everlasting
but i have not received
what i have been seeking

oh my heart
how it beats so fast
for the recognition of
an endless relation

oh my heart
how it is in two
waiting for the one
to repair the breaks
with forever glue