I didn't know peace can feel heavy
When I traded it with confusion
I chose to label it insecurity
When in reality it's called intuition

When he knows that I'm hurting
When he chose disconnection
He didn't know he traded clarity
In reality, that still works passively

I saw her, I was sure.
It wasn't a choice to be pure.

I never prayed for a special moment.
That kid, poor little kid running on contempt.

Never got the chance to dream about a wedding.
Formative years spent on everything worth avoiding.

It was enough to at least oh please be able to understand.
It was what I was able to pray so hard, to see beyond.

Then the pain found its solace, it is not going away.
There it is a gift — truth, that may seem to betray.

It gave us a chance to fix, to forgive, to belong.
There is so much more than being wrong.

I saw her again and now it is vague.
So jaded mere prayers even fade.

Lord, give her strong will.
She knows what to feel.

Maybe I lost it then.
Let me feel again.

regret mostly visits the insincere
during the time i was
to the people who were
who knows until when it'd last

All ears
done making up stories
just to forgive, unfreeze

not be left with I should have’s
hoping, waiting, it carves
“Glad I did” a gesture that loves

All scream
done holding the steam
just to hear myself, dream

stop myself from thinking
forced myself, I’m feeling
accepting, moments that sting

silence echoed
thriving on survival
I'm afraid I just began
Who am I to leave this world
anyway, gasping for air
full of shame, just ungrateful
was it the lack of expression
brought too much guilt
i can feel it in my back
i haven't done my best
yet im already tired
unreal, unsure, uninspired
i couldn't own this space

Everyday I might have tried
Maybe I almost always give up
wired to downplay my own wins
skeptical to actually rise
My soul knows how to scream
“they have to see me suffer”
refusing to learn
unlearning my gift
Tasting my own bitterness
I don’t like it here but it’s already home.

so it happened
once again
makes my heart sore
the more i think about doing more
the more i am doing less
so it creeps  in, sadness