i'm still trying
to wrap my head around
this whole
all you need is love
thing.

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

the rain plays a lullaby
that promises a peaceful sleep.

boisterous people
blowing horns
twisting noisemakers
wearing glittery hats
and shiny beads
drinking champagne with bubbles
giving a shout of

'HAPPY NEW YEAR!'

*good bye
and good riddance
2014

i plan on drinking bubbly
becoming bubbly
while floating on the bubbles
making me giggly
with giggles
brought on
by the bubbly

happy new year #2!

the battle raging within me
is very hard to control
strength against strength
weakness against weakness
emotional turmoil
riding an unceasing wave
of an irrepressible anguish
building upward at an incomprehensible speed
to come crashing down
with enough force
to render me weak, begging for sleep
drained and alone
at the mercy of my mind
pleading for the strength to get through another day.

can you hear me crying at night
can you feel my body shake
consumed with the pain
you've embellished on me
do you think a simple
i'm sorry
will cure me
don't you know a crushed heart
does not fully heal
it can only be medicated
and bandaged enough to not care
but the hurt is always there
expecting another you
to tear off the scab
and start the bleeding
once again.

rushing through the hallways
of my mind
everything seems unfamiliar
   foreign
i don't feel the comfortable embrace
   of knowing
     any longer
because i don't know
   any more
the confusion that's set in
leaves me exhausted
   and frustrated

*erasing the past
then trying to sketch out the future
proves i am less of an artist
than i originally had thought.

at times i find myself
talking poetically
            getting crazy-eyed looks

and when i do
i stare back in wonderment
            then sympathy
realizing i am sharing space
with a very colorless
         uncreative
    ordinary
mind.

he trudged through the sand
kicking at nothing
lazily picking up stones
tossing them into the sea
his legs were stout
his fingers small
whispy blonde hair tossled in the wind
a dog trotted slightly behind him
black and white, i think
he noticed everything
treasures were abundant
a rock became a kings jewel
sticks became dynamite that would be used for an escape
the dog was his Tonto
his beach towel a cape that helped him fly
the beach was where he washed up
after escaping from a pirates ship
grinning happily he spun
round and round
until falling to the ground
overcome by a fit of giggles
the dog barked enthusiastically
also spinning
"DINNER!"
POP
he blinked his eyes one time
two
slightly dazed he glanced around
a frown creased his small forehead
then he slowly, oh so slowly got up
he glanced at his kingdom one more time
noticing the pirate ship in the distance
a slow smile crossed his face
as he turned and started running up the hill
towards home.

he's a little boy
small for his age
he tends to stand at the back
near the back
or around the back
somewhere
invisible
or so he hopes
he doesn't want attention
doesn't need it
is perfectly comfortable
staying unobserved
undetected
he goes through the motions of the day
not raising his hand
head down
scribbling
pretending to be concentrating
praying not to be called on
when the bell rings he hangs back
shuffles papers through his desk
pretending to organize
peering up unseen
until the last foot has shuffled out the door
then he stands, flips his backpack over his shoulder
and starts to take slow, steady steps
towards home.
this little boy
small for his age
suffocated by uncertainties
praying to be left alone
has survived another day without incident.
this boy doesn't want much
he doesn't need much
all he wants is to be left alone
all he wants is to be able to live the day
unnoticed.

watching a leaf cascade down the current
of a trickling stream
the weariness of it
grips me
beckoning me to remember...
remember a time
when my life was just as out of control
caught up in the daily
swirl of overwhelming emotions
losing my mind
to the static of uneasiness and worry
so weak
so exhausted
so willing to allow myself
to sink into the depths of despair

but love kept me afloat

every now and then
a whisper of yesterday breathes past me
reluctantly i welcome it,
but only for a moment
for with a beat of my heart
those memories of long ago fade away.

she called me in tears
her heart torn to pieces
my heart breaking for hers
in return

what can i do
what can i say
to ease your sorrow
to salve your wounds

another shouldn't play another
from the inside out
beat me, bruise me, make me bleed
but do not abuse my heart

a sympathetic ear
a comforting hug
a look that says
everything will be okay
is all i can offer

but a broken heart
is the worst condition
the most unbearable sickness
an almost incurable disease...

...who's only unfailing balm is time

time will heal the wound
time will suture the heart enough to help us continue on
time will help us rebuild our courage
regain our confidence
and forget, somewhat, our pain

yes, a broken heart can be mended
healed enough for us to carry on with life
and it will remain with us
to remind us, always
that we had survived
the most damaging life can offer.

you are to me
something i've ignored
and tried to toss away
for years.

there's alone
    & being lonely
embracing solitude
    & being friendless
having your own thoughts
secured with solid belief
   not needing approval
     not waiting for acceptance
being comfortable
   with yourself
and with what you project
and believe in
feeling peace
     in the way you choose
to live your life

feeling solid
with who you are.

do you see
what i am projecting?

look at me!

closer

                        closer

            closer...still

who am i
              to you?

this silliness
i am trying to prove
has got to come to an end

what you see
is what you get
                                      literally

i won't falsify
i will not pretend
i will not provoke a porous
        habitable
      accommodating
                     agreeable
      acceptable

me

THIS is me
this is who i am

take it


or


leave it.

(i really don't give a ****).

look
at the sun
if you want to
swallow
watermelon seeds
and gum
if you so desire
step on cracks
listen to loud music
smoke
drink
cut a line
and snort
if that's your pleasure
practice unsafe ***
lie
cheat
steal
if that's within your hearts desire

but don't blame
unless you're pointing that finger
at yourself.

write me a word


          ...show me your heart.

tender the night
whispering wind
night birds calling their lovers in
melancholy moments
strengthened by the moon
forbidden caresses
remembered too soon
a hunger for passion
a stubborn need for touch
soothed while using myself as a crutch
the craving is satisfied
for tonight at least
blended with my dreams
of lascivious peace

i'm strangely uncommitted
my voice is heard
by selective ears
any embrace i seek
must go through extensive
tests and research
i cannot give my heart
for it's under lock and key
and the key has long disappeared
i'm saddened by loneliness
a loneliness i've initiated
and the deadened feelings i've felt
offer me no comfort
this dire existence
leaves me incapable of love
but the yearning i feel
will never leave me.

standing in an open doorway
i breath in the wet pavement
savoring the raw freshness
of a very good rain.

i want to crawl inside of myself
to roam the byways, highways, streams and valleys
of all that is me
i want to poke, probe, dissect, and analyze
why i am who i am
what makes me tick
when, why, what, where and how
do i do what i do when i do it
where's the on switch?
the off?
what makes me go faster
slow down
or stop altogether?
why are the choices i make
the choices i made?
i want to squeeze my heart
punch it
make the blood flow
smoothly, warmly
pumping, pumping
filling me with new life
i want to cleanse my brain
purify it
taking me back to the start
to the innocence and trust
the hunger for knowledge
the openness for love
i want to find me again
and join me with myself and i
to begin our journey again
to try and get it right this time.

if it takes one of us
to act grown up & rational
i nominate you

i'm too uptight
to fake composure.

i wait
expectantly
willing you
to look my way
you are the only one
i've noticed
across a room
full of uninteresting
people
your smile
poked me
i turned
and there you were
now i wait
eager
for that one glance
because when our eyes lock
i will try
and reel you in.

i carry this secret inside of me
struggling to hold it
   tight
feeling it pushing at the outer corners of my mind
waiting for the chance
to escape
   from my lips

but by liberating my heart
i will ******* another's

you have left me with this burden

   by freeing yourself
   you have imprisoned me
knowing my choice will always be purgatory
rather than selfish deliverance

iv'e seen you a few times in passing
just a glimpse...
a look-see
but that was enough
to mentally push the others aside
and have you take your place in my head

now i look for you most days
searching
for just a glimpse...
a look-see
enough to get my heart racing
just a bit
enough to draw a smile
during the day
when things aren't going
quite so well

you've become a necessary distraction
a delightful curiosity

just stay where you are
when you are there
and let me keep enjoying you.

look at you
with your cockeyed smile and starry eyes
do you view the world
through a nice, comfortable
haze
does your vision filter out
the sharp edges
leaving you with a blurry outline
so everything seems soft
   muted
floating through the day
intoxicated by the fabrication
of what you believe to be true
   and content with that
why question supposition
when drifting through the day in a dreamlike state
is so much easier.

living, loving, giving taking
going there, doing that
falling in love
   falling in hate
mesmerized by fantasies
   caught up in dreams
        wishing
  wanting
imploring for
receiving everything but
   pushing on
moving forward
stopping
taking a breath
starting over

day two...

dragging through this wintery day
seeing things through a hum drum
bleakness
grays become grayer
instead of glimpsing chromatic colors
the world spins in monotone
the shell that has enveloped me
needs more force to undo
than what little power i have in me
my mind has become trained
to resist me
pulling me deeper into the depths
of sadness
my want has not become strong enough
my motivation is non existent
this hopelessness
is tearing me apart

i'm begging for the strength
to search for the brilliance

(M)iserable
(O)rnery
(M)isfit

i find myself
standing still
   just standing
and aware of doing
just that
            
i'm blocking
   all feelings
     all emotions
until the anger
slips away
   the sadness
melts into me
all my wrongs
become
   nothing
my rights
   nothing

i
   am
     just
       me

alone

trying to let go
of all feeling
so my thoughts
can blend together
and offer me
                      something

but the sadness
is
overwhelming
i can feel it
grip my heart
and squeeze
until the tears
eventually come
streaming
down my face
and i feel
weak
succumbing
to it
spilling out
all my
agony
and pain
in bellows
of inconsolable
grief

left withering
into a pile
of pathetic
weakness

hoping to awaken
to at least the offering
of new hope.

in my darkest moments
a poem pops
words twirl
in my brain
pushing
throbbing
willing me
to expel
fingers to keys
thoughts exploding
dark
darker
darkest
melodramatic
melancholy
mediocre
th­oughts
based on a
monochromatic
life
that only the
mundane
may find
interesting

or so it seems.

a friendship ends
when you're no longer cool
but an embarrassment...

there was a dog
with a brown spot
in the middle of it's forehead
he played with a red ball
that bounced
and skidded
through the grass
of our great, big backyard
he would run and run
and run and run
then he would stop
panting
and drop the ball
at my feet
waiting
anticipating
for me to toss the ball
once again
so he could run
and run and run
all throughout
our great, big backyard

ah, to have the simplest of things
bring such utter happiness
that is what i wish for.

where are the days of
grandmas & grandpas
aunts, uncles, cousins
& unadulterated, honest,
deep in your belly
   laughter?

no need to impress
   no arrogance
or show-offs, showboats
or gloating

now...
it's plastic smiles
and sidelong looks of disapproval
bad kids
ignorant spouses
and mean old women
      who judge

getting drunk to face the familiar
& dreading the sobriety
& disgusted looks
   of the golden agers

yup, gone are the days of
grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles
& cousins

enter the days spent with habitual strangers.

i passed a man with a storm in his eyes
   spitting grey and blue
he cursed whichever demons
   had taken over his mind

he seemed oblivious to his surroundings
  and to me
but he did walk with a purpose
as if walking fast & furiously
would cast out the pain
that consumed his head

i watched as he suddenly
   struck himself, violently
stumbling back a bit
   he paused
then shook his head and laughed
his stride slowed
                             way
                                      down
he whistled
glanced at the sky
   and then at me
he winked, turned on his heal
and was gone.

   it was that simple.

i'll give you something simple
like a feathered kiss
upon your cheek

hold onto it

to take out
whenever you want to feel
loved.

time takes it's toll
and changes become
evident
i wish to blur
my reflection
but my eyes won't
deceive
and the acceptance
that hovers 'round my soul
doesn't come
easy.

lines christen my face
suggesting a life
well lived

ah, welcome today!
tasty breakfast, morning news
hair put up to stay!
ah, welcome today!
bright sunlight, whispy clouds
traffic flowing my way!
ah, welcome today!
a hug hello, a coffee cup
workload kept at bay!
ah, welcome today!

sitting on the edge
watching the waves crash the shore
below me,
feeling the light mist
caressing my face,
   i close my eyes in the comfort of it all
and i'm gradually brought to peace
   a laid back acceptance
of all that embraces me in my life
i feel assurance in the choices i have made
and a positiveness in the direction i am headed
it takes the simple form of natures majestic beauty
to help me realize...
   that life is good
and that my life, although chaotic at times,
is beautiful.

standing at the top of the ridge
i am looking down
into the crashing waves
wondering if they would hurt me
                              were i to fall
the grass is green up here
     mossy
and soft as puppies fur
i curl my toes into it
and open my arms wide to the sky
   "i am alive!"
i shout
for every natural thing to hear
   poppies bow their heads
   in understanding
and the clouds take my words away
   to spread with the rainfall
   in some distant land
     not too far from my mind
always within reach
for times when i'm feeling...
                                        not...just...r­ight
then that rain will wash over me
covering me with the pure reality
   that yes, i am here
     i am alive
    and i am blessed.

i'm thinking of a
him
   a he
   mister
   dude
no reason for
just because
i've been missing
   a him
   he
   mister
   dude
for too long

your breath
on the back of my neck
lights the wick of my heart
which melts the rest of me
   into a gooey mess.

something that's where it wants to be
doesn't need to be held onto.

you are the breath i crave
on lonely days
when desperation
suffocates my very soul

your embrace
warms me
the feelings of hopelessness
slowly draining
while i am filled
with temporary
ease

when i shake
you calm
when i cry
you soothe
when i feel alone
i think of you
and i dream
of love

and this love
the only love
in the purest of forms
cradles me
and lulls me into believing

i'm going to be
ok.

you
       of all people
i thought
              would not
hurt me

but you did

i try to ease my mind
by thinking
you were inebriated
                         lost in a haze

but that doesn't make it hurt
                              any less

i always believed
that a soaked brain
                speaks the truth
but if that is true

then i have been crushed
by my one true love

you

my son.

my search has ended
as my eyes fall
   upon you

in every aspect
   every observation
you are very wrong
   for me
but the creaking of my bones,
the weariness of my heart,
and the desperation in my soul
tells me
you
   are
      the
         one

so
i'm asking
   begging
willing
            you
to take my hand
to complete this journey
the journey i've claimed

then let me go

and follow through
on the journey
you've claimed
                      for yourself.

if i could give you
everything i'd wished
were given to me
i can rest
easy.

looking at you now
i wonder where you've gone
i can't reach you
because you're not there
   not really
and i miss you.
i miss watching your eyes light up
when seeing me at the end of the day
i miss you calling for me
i miss your hugs
   just because
and your kisses on my cheek
i miss wiping your tears
and cheering you on
i miss tucking you in bed at night
and waking you early for a day full of adventure
i miss looking over at the passenger seat in my car
and seeing you there
i miss talking about things that weren't important to anyone
but us
i miss sitting together watching tv
not saying a word
but both of us feeling safe and comfortable
i miss you being there when i needed you
even though you had no idea that i did
i miss the little boy you were
more so because you won't let me know
the man you have become.