a baby
  so sweet
   so perfect
brings forth love
that's indescribable
the years
pass so quickly
not so perfectly
but the love never quits
it grows bigger
   stronger
then ever imagined
little boy
capturing my soul
since a seedling
my arms will always hold you
my heart beats with yours
i will always only be a skip away
the purest love ever felt
between a mother and a son.

across a crowded room
i see the one thing
that keeps me solid

it's you
           my son

your perfection
is beyond comprehension
to me

your heart
makes mine explode

and when you smile
there's no comparison

to the great love
i will eternally
hold.

grabbing a handful
of old photos
glancing
i remember times
of true happiness
                      sadness
of doubt
and pain
of self loathing
and hurt

i remember
not being good enough
settling
trying too hard
trying too little
blaming the wrong people
loving the wrong person

but you
you were my
one
true
truth

you gave my life
meaning

you made me
strong

you made me
laugh
and then
cry
   with feelings of
undying love
with feelings of
not being good enough
with feelings of
failure
with you

but
you've proved
me
wrong

you are perfect
to me

you give love

you are good

you are
me.

and she will be
you.

knowing
just knowing
it's you i'm looking for
i feel my search is in vain
for you
are nowhere to be found
time's running out
my search cannot turn to desperation
for in desperation
nothing good comes.

i couldn't help but dip my fingers
into the viscosity of your heart...
...to shake things up a bit
so by the time the wave
crashed into your brain
you'd look at me in drunken appreciation
and fall in love.

he* came to me
   i didn't seek him out
he
   flirted
   teased
   baited
   and propositioned
he tried to
   persuade
   charm
   tempt
and ******
                 me

i was *intrigued

enough to
   flirt and
   tease
but not enough to
   to be caught
and i definitely was not
   persuaded, charmed nor seduced

but i was
   tempted
scarily so...

...so i propositioned
he collect all that energy
   used in charming me
and invest it towards
making it work
          with you.

you're welcome.

it's been so long
i don't remember
a
   you
i revolve around
   me
i wake knowing
   me
i fall asleep thinking
   me
i answer invites,
make plans,
answer calls
with
   me
i miss
   us
      we
         our
but i only have time for
   me
      you
you've left me
so long ago
   you
have become
   me
only
   me.

being alone
and accepting loneliness
separates
that are thrown together
when all explanations
have grown thin.

the sky above me
sings in the morning light
pulling me to wake
coaxing me
to try

the burden
of past days
melts
if just a little
with the promise
of a new start

i want to be a part
i crave just a bit
of willingness

the doors i've secured
around me
struggle to be opened
but the stubborn part of me
forms a solid lock
of solitude.

i never feared
loneliness
i've always chosen
to be alone
i craved it
wallowed in it
sat satisfied
while alone
i thought
that is what
i wanted
to be alone
to be alone
but
not lonely
loneliness
is consuming
suffocating
it grips
my throat
and squeezes
every
last
breath
until i am left
panting
desperate
for contact
watching
the outside world
of human
commotion
and wanting to
be a part
of anything
something
but
i've pushed
and pushed
and now
there
is nobody
nobody
to reach out to
nobody
to call
nobody
to laugh with
share with
conspire with
and
i am definitively
left
alone
lonely


alone.

belonging
then not
being swallowed
by a sea of emotion
then
drifting
bobbing
my eyes are closed
to what surrounds
me
i don't want to know
where i am
who has beckoned me
what has
disrupted my thoughts
i struggle to paddle back
fighting the current
suffering
tortured
to return
to the place
i feel the most
at home
safe

by myself
alone
i am comforted
embraced
by solitude

solitude.

she sits
in her grandmothers chair
head in hand
staring placidly out the window
frost is starting to form at the outer edges
and she feels the chill creeping through the glass
so she tightens the afghan, another of her grandmothers
hand me downs, around her
and starts to gently rock back and forth
  staring
into the dreary winter vastness
letting her mind wonder
to simpler times
carefree, uninhibited, happy
   young
no, she thinks, this is not what i had planned
when did it slip from me
when did my dreams dissipate
how can i have let them go so easily
   unknowingly
with a sigh she knows she must accept
her fate
because somehow,
somewhere
she became lost
and she gave up on her dreams
so now, aging,
feeling a slight comfort
being amongst her grandmothers things
she sits
   unsettled
but accepting
accepting the hand she has dealt herself
so many years ago.

following the happiness and exuberance
of others
   in my head
wishing, hoping, craving for
the realness of that
   in me
willing my mind to soar
instead of descending
into the depths of despair
this all consuming darkness
is overpowering
the grayness of the days is suffocating
i am crying out for an illumination of time
bring me the essence of a brilliant sunrise to sunset
show me the wonderment of a prismatic world
ensure in me pure exultation.

i notice you at a distance
and i trace your outline with my eyes
i like the provocative roughness
unkempt but hip

i notice
the wisp of your hair
at the collar
and the slight scrunch
of your jeans
at your boot

you have an easy way of walking
scuffing just a bit
your movements are nonchalant
casual
         confidant

my mind starts to wander
and i imagine you walking towards me
   in that casual way
giving me a crooked smile
and having your hair hang
   just a bit
as you bend towards me for a kiss

i smile with thoughts of
   what if
until you disappear around the corner
and i've lost you

for now.

...but i'll find you again
because i've filed you
into the fantastical part of my mind

under 'P'
    for *Perfection

standing alone
on a fantastical shoreline
i watch another part of my soul
fade away
over the rolling waves
  
and it saddens me

ignite my heart
brighten my soul
   once again
before another piece
sails away from me
forever.

a crooked man
sits in a crooked chair
glancing out the window

he nods in appreciation
at the balanced horizon.

the setup between them
came unexpectant
and fast

forced to hold hands
plastic smiles
in place
   vowing to love
      honor
        and even obey

love comes second
   isn't necessary
for learning to tolerate
was their birthright.

i find myself climbing a ladder of sorts
up and up and up
unending
            steps
constantly moving
but going
   nowhere

why am i put on this ladder
is it the ladder of life?
   death?
or is it just an imagined thing
i have chosen to prove
   i am poetic?
because poetry always consists of a struggle
a struggle of life
   of wanting
     of being
       of belonging

which i am none of the above

i've given up wanting
my being is already established
   belonging?
i don't need to belong
actually
i loathe to belong
to anything
or anyone

so... why do i picture a ladder?
symbolic of an upward climb?
when all i want is to be grounded?
which i figure i AM
but maybe i am
                 NOT
o' befuddled mind of mine
what are you trying to tell me?
why must i climb this ladder
which undoubtedly offers a future to me
of vast openness and unending happiness?
when what i want
is assumedly right here with me now?

which leads me to question
should i question my vision
or accept it
as a vision of rightfulness
which stands to be unquestionably
true?

little boy with dreams
that come crashing down
with a pink line
screaming "positive".

looking into her eyes
i witness the storm brewing
as her mind thrashes
in waves of hate
lightening bolts of hurt
strike her unsuspecting victim
burning him senseless
eventually leaving him
unable to move
destroyed by the venomous creature
he's always referred to as
mom.

my mind was the canvas
soaking up your words
   like paint
leaving me with a watercolored picture
   of a love.

can i get you anything
a life, maybe
change of scenery
a conscience (why do i always have trouble spelling that word!)
honesty?
yes, how about that?
would you know how to use it
or is that something else
                     i'd have to walk you through
you're like one of my childhood books (nothing beats seuss)
that i've read so often
i only use it for the pictures
so predictable
and stoic (i think that word fits, who cares, i like the way it sounds)

but...
******* it
why do i still feel guilty
when i debase (cool word) you?

...scattered thoughts
explode from my brain
in a medley
of intense sparks & colors
to burst from my mouth
in an eruption of profanities.

can you hear me
i am crying out to you but
can you hear me
i am desperate
i need you but
can you hear me

can you feel me
my arms are trying to reach for you
my feet are slipping on unstable ground
my heart is thundering in my chest but
can you feel me

do you want me
is your mind crammed with me
does your heart burst from fullness
does your body tremble
do you want me

is this love
the pain, the desperation,
the hunger, the tears,
the craving, the dread, the desire
is this love

i think not.

skip to my lou, my darling
trip on a rock
and smash your head in.

clandestine arrangement
                            planned
               prepped
  cleansed
                          scoured
             scrubbed
shaved
                       powdered
fragranced
practiced
                     and pretended

to end up




home alone.

there's nothing worse
then tears
that refuse to flow.

i wait for you
   in the dark
     expectant
       anxious
         prepared
but as the darkness
fades into light
a single teardrop
tells me you aren't coming

my heart is offering me
the comfort of my tears
until the next time.

a gathering

at first glance
innocent enough

hardened smiles
seemed made of
plaster

not one of which
wants to know
the other

riding the ebb
of familiarities

nodding heads
of blank faces

not caring
       nor curious
but always
agreeable

a gathering

yes

of a room full of
complete strangers.

will you go
oh, poet
of poetry
so well written
giving in to
the expectance
of society
declaring love
so marketable
and selling yourself
short
for the honor
of having
a
fat
wallet
?

standing in front of the mirror
she begins to design
blood red around the mouth
dark, dark smears of black for her eyes
spider like lashes
piercings filled with baubles
of all shapes, sizes and colors
bluish black hair ratted
spiked
hardened
and lacquered
chalk blue and turquoise added to the tips
black silky tunic over black ripped leggings
battered black boots
laced up and over the knee
chains
belts
thorny bracelets
silver rings on most fingers
her favorite being a thick skull with eyes of red ruby
and last, but definitely not least,
worn to just the right softness,
a black leather motorcycle jacket
unzipped
checking herself in the mirror
she lights a marlboro and nods
satisfied
maiden of the night
party girl
hipster
punk
cool
confident

this girl's got it
many girl's want it

me?

i admire it.

i'm known
only to me
i've faked
introduced
established
convinced
and allowed
a false persona
to shine
those who know me
don't
those who wish to
won't
i've struggled
to accept
the inevitable
that the me
i depict
contradicts
the me
i ache for.

i am consumed
with anger
   resentment
a disturbing need
for revenge
my body cries out
  for hurt
   cast upon
    another
and it makes me
uncomfortable
a personal insult
or something taken
as which
cannot be forgotten
cannot be ignored
cannot be cast aside
as something that
                                        is
i envy the person that can
and i laugh at the person that will
brush the intended dig
to the side
           ignored
      shrugged at

but me

i will get even
i will accomplish
peace of mind
by dishing out
what i was given

it's only right...right?
'cuz we all've heard
karma...

it's a *****.

get away from me all you fools
store owners
underpaid store clerks
delivery people
disgruntled factory workers
bosses
know it alls
child molesting priests
rabbis
loud mouthed reverends
strippers
track armed hookers
pimps
johns who's wife won't give it up
teachers
shady lawyers
pill poppin' doctors
nurses
kids with colds
old people with dementia
***** dogs
feral cats
evil grandmas
perverted grandpas
street sweepers
***** garbage men
slick bartenders
waitresses
drunk people
people high on life
dope heads
meat heads
sober judges
all of you
go to hell in a handbasket
and let me live my life
in peace.

i want you to
sing the words 'i love you'
but pant the words 'i want you'

can you bend what i give you
   so that we fit
         like a puzzle
nothing forced
only smoooooth connections
         all the way around
so that the finished product
is one admired by artists
              and lovers
alike?

so much sadness
   unease
     self loathing
where does it come from
   i wonder
what makes a person
feel so low
being kicked around
   used
     abused
       tortured
deep in the soul
hoping to find love
accepting anything less than
but clinging to the need of wanting
   more
such damaged spirits
   floating
    bumping into each other
then landing onto the lap
   of a being less than kind
and offering of themselves
   hanging onto an imagined love
                           once again.

i want to dip my finger
into happiness
and let it drip
into my mouth
savoring the taste.

looking out my window
i see families struggling to put up christmas lights
untangling, untwisting, yelling, cursing
   and then laughing and cheering,
standing back and admiring
the final result.

i want to put up christmas lights
just
like
that.

i've been climbing
this same mountain
since
my day one
the stones
that hurt my knees
are stones
i've placed
the steepness
of the journey
are the degrees
i've set
the accuracy
couldn't be more true
and the stumbling
i've encountered
has been provoked
by me.

you're standing before me
dripping in remorse
melting in shame
filled with self doubt
and hunting for forgiveness
   but using the wrong bait
your humility has become less believable
each time
this performance has grown old
   and
you need some new material

if you throw a pebble at my window
i will let you in.

sitting alone
on a bench
eyes closed
silent
he startled
and opened his eyes
to find a small girl
standing before him
offering him a bright, yellow flower
"this is for you"
she said
"so you won't be sad no more"

he accepted it, confused
and she turned and skipped away

he looked at the flower
then smiled
and his heart glowed

thank god for the genuine goodness of children

when i look at her
i see a simple girl
someone with no expectations
someone content with
   what she has
not wanting more
   always smiling
even when humiliated
   she laughs
thinks every thing's funny
   and is happy
she can make others laugh too
   even if it's at her own expense
she doesn't ask for much
   no demands
   never pouts
just flows through life
   almost nonexistent
not many would notice if she left
   or didn't come
there might be a few probable
   tsk tsk's
   if she passed
but this is the path she chose
this is the path she follows
   though pathetic to some
to her
   this is her life.

a storm grips my soul
   clouding hope
     encircling it with darkness
     & torrents of sadness
pulling me deeper & deeper
   suffocating me with despair
and holding me down
   with fingers of pain.

i open my eyes to a day barely started
and my mind becomes a whirlwind
of thoughts bumping into each other

with bullying strength
the poison of uncomfortableness
forces away any happiness i may have felt

the fight within me
becomes almost unbearable
and a sob escapes my throat
with the realization
that nothing has improved

this life is tough
my life has drained me
and the will to carry on
becomes weaker with each passing hour

i crave to stand stable
   i urge my mind to succumb to happiness
     and i will my arms
       to open up and accept love
but the clicking of the clock
   the creeping of the minutes
beg me to face the inevitable
   force my heart
to beat with emptiness

and the realization
that the one true love i have
     myself
is less then what i've hoped for.

i've opened my arms
and tossed the feelings
of my soul
         to the world

     take them

give them back to me
   cleansed
      purified of dirt
and wholesome
   and i'll cradle them tightly
against my chest
      to be soaked up
by my heart.

two people
are walking down the street
hand in hand
i wonder...
are they happy
do they truly love one another
                   or
is he thinking of another
                 she
and is she wishing
she would've married
               him
or is what i am observing
just what it seems to be

two people in  love
walking down the street
hand in hand?

look for me
when you reach
the end of your rainbow

i'll be the one bathing
in melted gold.

broken hearts
don't mean much to me
   now

i won't weep with you
when you've been tossed
nor will i offer
words of comfort
or a tissue
to wipe your snotty nose
after endless days of crying

   but

i will encourage you to look at me
   probe
     feel and
       pinch me, if you must
for i am living proof
that one can survive a broken heart
even a heart that's been
                   stomped on
        chewed up
drained
           and spit out
laughed at
          humiliated
                    used
and eventually
ignored

and that should give you the comfort
you need

'cuz something broken
   can definitely be fixed.