little boy with dreams
that come crashing down
with a pink line
screaming "positive".

being baked by the sun
while dozing on a field of dried grass
the uncomfortable feeling
of unanticipated acupuncture
seizes my senses
jolting me awake

through slight pain
my body reacts
to the joy
of being alive.

you've left me clumsy
   and unaware
of appreciative eyes
that follow me
watching my every move
stopping abruptly
when i cast an evil look
their way

it's foreign to me
     this wanting
           needing
attraction
others feel
i don't know how
to take it
i can't imagine
using it
to my advantage

yes, you've left me numb
     bewildered
          and incapable
of recognizing
   another's love.

2 young girls
meet by a locker
for the very first time
eyeing each other
suspiciously
exchanging hellos
giggling at a lame joke
comparing class schedules
agreeing to meet up
in gym class...

...and so begins a life long friendship.

climbing the steps of life
i glance up
and see i have a long way to go
   and i'm relieved

the higher i climb
the tougher it gets
at times i stumble
even lose a step
   or two
but i always regain my footing
and continue on
   and on
     and on

i wonder where i will end up...
   will i be satisfied
     will it be what i expected
      will i be deserving?
will i leave behind...
   goodness
    wisdom
     broken hearts
      relief?

wherever it is...
                     my final destination
i will embrace it
and i will be relieved
   that i had made it
                   that far.

struck dumb
by a love that didn't last
left smoldering
and lost

peeking out from the blankets
realizing i was indeed
   alone

my eyes filled
and a single teardrop
slithered down my cheek

dreams shattered
in my head
and an explosion of hurt
cradled my heart

high expectations
made too soon
for a love that i knew
wouldn't last.

i plan on drinking bubbly
becoming bubbly
while floating on the bubbles
making me giggly
with giggles
brought on
by the bubbly

happy new year #2!

looking hard
i don't know what i see

i have an imagined image of
smooth lines
warm colors
blended tones
   adding depth
& beauty
i can envision that when i squint

but wide eyed and aware
i see something unfinished
harsh lines stopping abruptly
colors that clash
unbalanced features
an incomplete likeness
to what i've conceived

i've become the frankenstein
of my fabricated reality.

the moon hangs
steady and bright
in the dark sky
night animals
   moan
cradling its power
   creeping
in ****** agony
desperately seeking
to be consumed
by something lesser,
   powerless,
     but potent

the hunt continues
deep into the night
   moonstruck
until carnal hunger
is satisfied.

waiting at the stop light
i watch the church goers
   filing in
     one by one

i imagine them
searching for the perfect seat
   to kneel
     with heads bowed
        hands folded

which one is the most pious?
                  who here the most devout?
you there, are you holier than thou?
            have you stuffed your offering into the basket
            so the big bill lies on top?
which one of you paid
           to be righteous?
who bought the rights to the first pew
facing god's representative?

you silly, silly people
you pathetically mislead drones

if you think that walking through oak based,
             brass handled doors
             embellished in brightly colored stained glass
lifts you above the rest of us?

                         you

              are
                 foolishly
     mistaken

if you believe there is a god...
do you honestly think he
would grant you sainthood
because you visited his house
and tossed in a jackson
instead of a washington
into the money ***?

well then
   if so
i'd have to say
you are worshipping
a false idol.

a denseness fills her
slowly gripping her insides
leaving her short of breath
she becomes weary
as the river of dread
engulfs every inch
of her being
her shoulders start to slump
and her head is filled
with imaginings
she cannot shake

when tears fill her eyes
it's like fuel feeding the flame
and
she knows her only option
is to ride it out

tomorrow will find her drained and empty
but grabbing in anticipation
and need
for a peaceful day.

blow smoke in my face
i don't mind
i'm spineless
          needy

and you...

well...
you're very, very cute

so...

i'll take the smoke
   i'll giggle at your stupid jokes
     i'll come when i'm called
(and *** when you need it)
        i'll look up at you in awe
and count my blessings
because...
after all...
i have
               you
what more could a
homely
simple minded
desperate for love
inexperienced
wall flower
expect...

an ******* is better than nothing.

iv'e seen you a few times in passing
just a glimpse...
a look-see
but that was enough
to mentally push the others aside
and have you take your place in my head

now i look for you most days
searching
for just a glimpse...
a look-see
enough to get my heart racing
just a bit
enough to draw a smile
during the day
when things aren't going
quite so well

you've become a necessary distraction
a delightful curiosity

just stay where you are
when you are there
and let me keep enjoying you.

standing at the corner
begging
for a handout
you'll take anything
or so you say
   coins
    coupons
     dollars
       a cup of coffee
  something
anything
to help you get through the day
so i gave you an ad
    a help wanted ad
and you looked at me bewildered
as if to ask
why?
what will i do with this?
   cram it up your ***
is what i thought
   use it for all it's worth
is what i hoped.

me
looking at your face
reading desperation
in every pore
seeing the regret drip down your cheeks
in the form of tears
i suspect anguish
in your quivering lips
and i sense the remorse
racing throughout your body
as you reach towards me
with outstretched arms
   i have to step back
   retreat
so as not to get ****** back into
your web of lies
once again.

you
skipping towards me
with arms opened wide
   smiling

then tripping over a rock
and smashing your face into the earth

and i laugh
       and laugh
            and...

laughing and singing
     dancing
swaying to the music in my head
living in my world
the most comfortable world
       just me
dancing naked
amongst wildflowers that bow
to my every move
applauding me and urging me on
smiling up at me with yellowed faces
       purple
  blue
            pink
    and green
so so much green
the preferred currency color
of this world
             and that
being thrown at me
for my performance
the wind whistling
        in appreciation
and i fall exhausted
upon a bed of blossoms
bumble bees
             buzzing around my face
covering it with pollinized kisses
smiling i fall into a deep, deep sleep
dreaming of fantastical adventures
              and handsome paramours

this is my world
                        welcome to it.

i find myself
standing still
   just standing
and aware of doing
just that
            
i'm blocking
   all feelings
     all emotions
until the anger
slips away
   the sadness
melts into me
all my wrongs
become
   nothing
my rights
   nothing

i
   am
     just
       me

alone

trying to let go
of all feeling
so my thoughts
can blend together
and offer me
                      something

but the sadness
is
overwhelming
i can feel it
grip my heart
and squeeze
until the tears
eventually come
streaming
down my face
and i feel
weak
succumbing
to it
spilling out
all my
agony
and pain
in bellows
of inconsolable
grief

left withering
into a pile
of pathetic
weakness

hoping to awaken
to at least the offering
of new hope.

a broken heart
blames

it urges the brain
   to over analyze
     cut apart
and sort out
pieces of common sense
   until they lie senseless
                and accusatory
dried up and useless
while begging us to make things
right

so we try

we desperately toss about
   pick up
    disinfect
and disregard
we apologize
tamper with
   defile
and desecrate
things we thought
we believed in
just to have another crack

   at love

doesn't matter if it's the wrong love

we only want to hold onto
some kind of love.

my mind was the canvas
soaking up your words
   like paint
leaving me with a watercolored picture
   of a love.

she misses him most
early mornings
and right before dusk

the scent of his pipe
still fills the air
                at times

his chair sits vacant
and she finds herself
staring at it in longing

she still makes the coffee
strong
because that's the way
he liked it
and she can't seem to
break the habit

sweeping the floor
one morning
she finds a worn penny
   1912
smoothed to a bright copper
in color
his lucky charm
   must've fell out of his pocket
   the day they took him away

he was the love of her life
   they had grown old together
had more time than most

but the ache in her heart
and the emptiness of her arms
tells her, that still
was not enough.

gloominess and rain
dark clouds, wet streets
the drip dripping of drops
heard beyond my window
this brings me comfort
this soothes my soul

why can't i stay captivated by someone
     longer
why does my interest fade

   starting slowly
      then speeding up and becoming
imperceptible

their voice becomes
blah        blah
        blah        blah
           blah

their face begins to blur
i keep blinking my eyes
to try and bring them back in focus
but it doesn't happen
they melt into the background
   becoming a chair
     the bartop
         a glass of beer
        a door
it's all the same

they're the same

    as everyone else
nothing special anymore

just another boring combination of oxygen, carbon,
hydrogen, nitrogen,
calcium, & phosphorus
(i looked it up, that's 95% of what makes up the human body)

              no more mental stimulation
                          the initial excitement is gone

and i am bored yawn

once again.

i don't like being angry
   or resentful
or at the mercy of the red rage
that builds inside of me

    but

when i feel you're hurting him...
   picturing your face
sits better with me
when i see hatchet buried
deep within it

   but

i won't let my revulsion
pull me down into the bowels
of your elementary like intelligence

nope

besides, if i do
i risk losing him

and no one is worth that.

there is nothing sadder
than a person who has given up...
no hope
nothing to look forward to
no desire to care
no one to care about
feeling useless
helpless
at one with himself
no, there is nothing sadder than that.

she was walking east
he was coming up west
she was happy, giggly even
he was sullen, irritated

getting closer she was swinging her arms
humming a familiar tune in her head
he, thinking about his day
annoyingly shook his head
kicked at a lone stone

closer yet
she is practically skipping
hugging herself in contentment
he is becoming more agitated,
belligerent,
angry at the sudden crowd of strangers in his path

closer still
she easily, happily weaves her way through the crowd
smiling openly at whomever meets her gaze
he, angrily pushes through
get out of my way
growling to himself in disgust

even closer
she clumsily drops her purse
bends down to reclaim it
he, noticing a lull in the foot traffic
stomps his foot in aggravation
but pushes forward

right there
she stands up abruptly,
absently bumping into someone
ready with apologies
he, staggers backward from the bump
ready to lash angry words
and maybe even a push

right now
she, looks up,
an apology caught in her throat
he, swinging around
ready with angry words
that melt before they are spoken

destiny
she, wide eyed
spreads a glorious smile
shrugs her shoulders in apology
he, wide eyed
gives in to a smile he kept secret for too long

she and he
start a conversation
that will alter the course of that day
and everyday
from that moment forward.

THE END

there are
too many people
voices that
cackle
cough
laugh
weep
yell
scream
beg
or cry

they are
constantly moving
walking
running
pushing
and shoving

STOP

i need silence
i am searching for quiet
peace
serenity
and stillness

direct me please
show me the way
tell me that i am not wishing for something
unreasonable
foolish
ridiculous
or strange

tell me i am not alone
tell me there are beings
like me
who search for uninterrupted silence
who need endless reassurance
of calm.

why won't you leave my head?
like a song spinning round and round
the words akimbo, twisted, distorted,
senseless
and annoying
oh, so annoying...
because it's beyond my grasp
distressing me
because i cannot make it stop
you...you...you
over and over
your smile
your scent
your touch
i don't know you
barely remember you
but can't forget you
is it because you awakened in me
a hunger i had thought i'd lost?
opening my eyes
to rediscover the woman
i know i am?

yes
simply, yes

*sometimes it's a good thing to be a little mixed up in the head

lovers pop up
in spring
like the many
blossoming flowers
fresh faces
filled with hope
fertilization
is eminent
hungry leaves
open and accept
the offering
of consumption
the continuation of life
is evident
by the planting
of the seed.

just looking at you
builds a rage in me i can't understand
i want to slam into you
with words that cause more hurt
than if you were beaten with a club
why do i let you bring out this side of me?
because, honestly,
if i release my fury
i'll end up more wounded than you

i see the smiles
and the laughter
and i wonder
what happened to the harsh words
the angry looks
of yesterday
what has changed
in the course of 24 hours
to make us all
so lovable?
is it the celebration of a 'holy' day
the gathering of 'friends'
of is it just the continuance
of what we're used to?
it makes me laugh
this phoniness
but i must admit
i do go with the flow
i continue the hugs
the laughter
the nodding of understanding
for this is what's expected
in this crazy
mixed up
tedium
we call 'family'.

being bounced around
   while standing still
being pulled this way
                 and that
while holding onto solid ground
the emotional disturbance
is rabid in my brain
taking each cell
                   dividing
       and dissecting
until i'm an experimental mass
of total confusion

that's
how you make me feel.

kicked back and easy
lounging with the best

laughter filled rooms

head bumps
   fist bumps
a knowing wink

drink fueled
   synopsis
a calming pat on the back

ice clinking into glasses
the quiet 'pfft' of an opening bottle

these are the best of times
these are times spent with friends.

he approached my window
this sad boy
   or so he seemed
he had pleading eyes
that weren't true
looking deeper
i sensed a crookedness
cunning
but i gave anyway
but not because i was fooled
i was intrigued
   i craved a fable
what has brought you here
   i asked
what misfortune have you encountered
   to become a beggar
   to lose all sense of pride
   to become less than humbled
   and at the mercy of others
in order to survive
   his answer i had forgotten
as soon as he started to speak
because his fabricated drama
was unremarkable
ordinary
so this time
my selfish reasons for giving
were unmeasured.

there was a dog
with a brown spot
in the middle of it's forehead
he played with a red ball
that bounced
and skidded
through the grass
of our great, big backyard
he would run and run
and run and run
then he would stop
panting
and drop the ball
at my feet
waiting
anticipating
for me to toss the ball
once again
so he could run
and run and run
all throughout
our great, big backyard

ah, to have the simplest of things
bring such utter happiness
that is what i wish for.

i miss having
   a him
     a someone
       a date

i miss saying
yes, we'll be there
or
i'll check with him and let you know

i miss having
hon, pick up milk
or
babe, what do you want for dinner

i miss having
a warmed up bed
an always available hug
and an ear to my whining

i miss
a partnership
a twosome
a gossip buddy

i miss
making love in the AM
holding hands on the street
and a look of comfort
in a room full of strangers

i miss
the mister with missus
husband and wife
husband, wife and son

but most of all

i miss you.

the aftermath of a night out
follows me for days

everything appears too lucid
like a Dali
dripping slowly
and eventually puddling on the floor
i'm being pushed through crowds
that give me ***** looks
frowning at my disposition
like it's my fault
sloshing about in this liquid tomb
that fills my head with the boom
                           boom
              boom
          of rock n' roll
and shot glasses hitting the floor

grant me sleep
or give me death.

i enjoy my aloneness
i delight in the lightness
of my shoulders
i breathe in my liberation
of your worries
your stresses
your anxieties
your problems

away from you
i am free.

i will not allow myself to be tormented by guilt.

she sits alone
watching the falling snow
through her bedroom window
her mind wanders to the past
trying to remember a time
when she didn't feel so alone
she doesn't remember happiness
she doesn't remember feeling love
giving a hug
or offering a sympathetic ear
all she remembers is anger
and resentment
hatred even
lashing out at the innocent
hurting the ones that loved her most
she has long given up questioning why
what's the point now
no use in trying to make amends
they have all left her
abandoning her
after years of cruelty
and now her empty arms search for comfort
in vane
her barren heart has kept her a prisoner
within herself
her past sins have brought her to this place
of solitude
and loneliness
her only consolation
is knowing death is near
a bitter old woman
who has solidified her fate
years ago.

i'm strangely uncommitted
my voice is heard
by selective ears
any embrace i seek
must go through extensive
tests and research
i cannot give my heart
for it's under lock and key
and the key has long disappeared
i'm saddened by loneliness
a loneliness i've initiated
and the deadened feelings i've felt
offer me no comfort
this dire existence
leaves me incapable of love
but the yearning i feel
will never leave me.

swept streets
and sidewalks
windows shined
to a gleam
a 'how do you do'
when passing
fruits polished
to the extreme

it's downtown
that's this neighborhood
laughing people
yelping dogs
friendly faces
but to a stranger
this side
of the neighborhood
could be uncertainty
distrust
and strange places

don't scurry past
when you're on this side
of town
raise your head
force a smile
do not frown

for this is the spice
of the neighborhood
these faces
they all are for real
no lies
will be told
in this neighborhood
and we welcome you all
with much zeal.

i'm trying my damndest to see past you
'cuz i need to know what's pushin' you
i know and you know
you ain't that ballsy on your own
   so...tell me
what is it that pushes you
to get in my face?

feelings of
excitement
engulf my being
while walking through forests
kicking brown, crackling leaves

ready and willing
is what i feel
yearning for opportunity
   hoping for satisfaction
      and settling on bewilderment

because confusion
keeps the mind young
and the heart
pumping.

some friends are friends
at their convenience
   if bothered
they disappear
   but...
feeling needy
   they're like a moth
                      to flame
being pulled into the light
  of comaraderie
until the heat
becomes unbearable
and you're left alone
   with a shell
of what once was
   and hoping
for what may be.

the pain starts
at the pit of my stomach
and slowly creeps upwards
toward my heart

an unsatisfactory vision
engulfs my soul
offering unwanted
feelings
of disheartenment
and despair

the fight i've fought
has weakened me
and acceptance
of a lesser existence
seems inevitable

still...
i concentrate vainly
on that one sliver
of hope
to pull me out of
this funk.

following dreams
living the dream
it's all a dream
dream state
dreamy

wake up

there are no dreams
only reality
and the reality is
you're living a nightmare
trying to live up to
your dreams.

*if your mind can dream it
your body can live it

looking around this square room
silently observing
end to end
corner to corner
measuring the width
the depth
with my eyes
of what i call
'my peaceful place'
it looks like me
   smells like me
but there is still something missing
i can't put my finger on it
but i can feel it
in how the room echos slightly
when i cough or sneeze
it brings a coldness to it
it doesn't feel exactly right
what can i bring to this place of solitude
that will warm it
give it that womb-like feeling
i want to feel hugged when i enter
wrapped in the cozy warmth of comfortableness

i've got some thinking to do...

i awake with a jolt
feeling disoriented
   where am i
     who am i with
   and
do i care?

shaking my head
it seems ridiculous
but i do it anyways
and it's then that i realize
i've gone and done it

i'm where i have no business being
with a someone i have no business being with

i don't feel good
and the onset of tears
i feel
pushing upwards
from my throat
the sobbing that's inevitable
for the very bad mistake
i have made
but
   i won't do it

     i won't let this
     this
          imbecile
know how i really feel
how i despise what i've allowed myself
to become

the giving in
   to a cute face
     a kick *** body
all for
a couple of hours of fun
and games
i forgot about the games
that come afterwards
and now i'll pay for that
   oversight
that comes crashing down
with the soberness
of tomorrow.

feeling exhausted
     and *****
random songs
fill my head
like a record spinning
        round and round
the same lyrics played
over
           and over
driving me to the brink
                 of craziness
imagining an eraser
I wipe my brain clean
leaving an empty shell
   unplugged
     quieted
but for the skip, skip, skipping
of the needle.

i notice you at a distance
and i trace your outline with my eyes
i like the provocative roughness
unkempt but hip

i notice
the wisp of your hair
at the collar
and the slight scrunch
of your jeans
at your boot

you have an easy way of walking
scuffing just a bit
your movements are nonchalant
casual
         confidant

my mind starts to wander
and i imagine you walking towards me
   in that casual way
giving me a crooked smile
and having your hair hang
   just a bit
as you bend towards me for a kiss

i smile with thoughts of
   what if
until you disappear around the corner
and i've lost you

for now.

...but i'll find you again
because i've filed you
into the fantastical part of my mind

under 'P'
    for *Perfection