blank stares
of the offended
that plead silently
for mercy
feeds the flame
of the sadistic
allowing continuation
of assault
on the exposed nerve.

little boy with dreams
that come crashing down
with a pink line
screaming "positive".

riding the highs
coasting through the lows
feeling comfort in both

experiencing the bad
to appreciate the good.

a denseness fills her
slowly gripping her insides
leaving her short of breath
she becomes weary
as the river of dread
engulfs every inch
of her being
her shoulders start to slump
and her head is filled
with imaginings
she cannot shake

when tears fill her eyes
it's like fuel feeding the flame
and
she knows her only option
is to ride it out

tomorrow will find her drained and empty
but grabbing in anticipation
and need
for a peaceful day.

climbing the steps of life
i glance up
and see i have a long way to go
   and i'm relieved

the higher i climb
the tougher it gets
at times i stumble
even lose a step
   or two
but i always regain my footing
and continue on
   and on
     and on

i wonder where i will end up...
   will i be satisfied
     will it be what i expected
      will i be deserving?
will i leave behind...
   goodness
    wisdom
     broken hearts
      relief?

wherever it is...
                     my final destination
i will embrace it
and i will be relieved
   that i had made it
                   that far.

standing alone
on a fantastical shoreline
i watch another part of my soul
fade away
over the rolling waves
  
and it saddens me

ignite my heart
brighten my soul
   once again
before another piece
sails away from me
forever.

blending of emotions
internally
feeling the unsteady beat
of my heart
fighting a constant battle
of knowing what needs to be done
and having the courage to actually do it
longing for a simplicity of thought
dreading the complexity
that has become all too familiar
but knowing also, that i alone
have permitted this anguish
and that i alone have the power to diffuse it.

i've chosen to eliminate the color
that surrounds me
i want my world to be grey
   for now

   solitude

an encircling of woe
that reaches deep inside of me
embracing my heart with black fingers
and squeezing
    squeezing
deflating me
leaving me with nothing to feel
   nowhere safe to hide
enraptured in the uncomfortableness
of my own mind and body
my only choice is to give into my despair
and wait
wait
for the eventual brightness

being baked by the sun
while dozing on a field of dried grass
the uncomfortable feeling
of unanticipated acupuncture
seizes my senses
jolting me awake

through slight pain
my body reacts
to the joy
of being alive.

i find myself
standing still
   just standing
and aware of doing
just that
            
i'm blocking
   all feelings
     all emotions
until the anger
slips away
   the sadness
melts into me
all my wrongs
become
   nothing
my rights
   nothing

i
   am
     just
       me

alone

trying to let go
of all feeling
so my thoughts
can blend together
and offer me
                      something

but the sadness
is
overwhelming
i can feel it
grip my heart
and squeeze
until the tears
eventually come
streaming
down my face
and i feel
weak
succumbing
to it
spilling out
all my
agony
and pain
in bellows
of inconsolable
grief

left withering
into a pile
of pathetic
weakness

hoping to awaken
to at least the offering
of new hope.

it's hard to try and stay amused
when among imbeciles
keeping a calm demeanor
tries on my last nerve
the very being of some
is enough to born thoughts in me
of pure and complete violence
   in the harshest form
these people
these....creatures of habit
commoners living in a habitual environment
carbon copies of their predecessors

give me a headache.

grab my hand
and come with me
we'll float amongst
     the stars
while looking down
on people and things
   below us
laughing at their naivety
   in not knowing
what exists
in the simple grasp
of a hand.

i see the smiles
and the laughter
and i wonder
what happened to the harsh words
the angry looks
of yesterday
what has changed
in the course of 24 hours
to make us all
so lovable?
is it the celebration of a 'holy' day
the gathering of 'friends'
of is it just the continuance
of what we're used to?
it makes me laugh
this phoniness
but i must admit
i do go with the flow
i continue the hugs
the laughter
the nodding of understanding
for this is what's expected
in this crazy
mixed up
tedium
we call 'family'.

the harder i listen,
   wait,
and anticipate
the positive
to come through the door
eventually
             that door
becomes a wall
that keeps
   the positive
                       out

so...
    i'm attempting
   not to think
which i frantically
wrap my brain around
so that no thoughts
suddenly become thoughts
of what i'm trying
not to
think about.

struck dumb
by a love that didn't last
left smoldering
and lost

peeking out from the blankets
realizing i was indeed
   alone

my eyes filled
and a single teardrop
slithered down my cheek

dreams shattered
in my head
and an explosion of hurt
cradled my heart

high expectations
made too soon
for a love that i knew
wouldn't last.

just looking at you
builds a rage in me i can't understand
i want to slam into you
with words that cause more hurt
than if you were beaten with a club
why do i let you bring out this side of me?
because, honestly,
if i release my fury
i'll end up more wounded than you

i want you to
sing the words 'i love you'
but pant the words 'i want you'

looking around this square room
silently observing
end to end
corner to corner
measuring the width
the depth
with my eyes
of what i call
'my peaceful place'
it looks like me
   smells like me
but there is still something missing
i can't put my finger on it
but i can feel it
in how the room echos slightly
when i cough or sneeze
it brings a coldness to it
it doesn't feel exactly right
what can i bring to this place of solitude
that will warm it
give it that womb-like feeling
i want to feel hugged when i enter
wrapped in the cozy warmth of comfortableness

i've got some thinking to do...

my mind is a poetic jumble
of thoughts
desires
worries
problems
solutions
old loves
new loves
no loves
cash
having enough
not enough
where to get enough
too much work
too much play
boredom
sadness
contentment
sometimes i want to turn it off
sometimes i want to feel empty
sometimes i want to float away
away from all the bombardment
of words
like a helium balloon
going up, up, up
sailing, seeing everything beautiful
taking all the time in the world
remaining empty
and slowly losing that emptiness
starting to deflate
while drifting down, down, down
landing softly -  waiting for the words
to fill me up once again.

the moon hangs
steady and bright
in the dark sky
night animals
   moan
cradling its power
   creeping
in ****** agony
desperately seeking
to be consumed
by something lesser,
   powerless,
     but potent

the hunt continues
deep into the night
   moonstruck
until carnal hunger
is satisfied.

you've left me clumsy
   and unaware
of appreciative eyes
that follow me
watching my every move
stopping abruptly
when i cast an evil look
their way

it's foreign to me
     this wanting
           needing
attraction
others feel
i don't know how
to take it
i can't imagine
using it
to my advantage

yes, you've left me numb
     bewildered
          and incapable
of recognizing
   another's love.

there was a dog
with a brown spot
in the middle of it's forehead
he played with a red ball
that bounced
and skidded
through the grass
of our great, big backyard
he would run and run
and run and run
then he would stop
panting
and drop the ball
at my feet
waiting
anticipating
for me to toss the ball
once again
so he could run
and run and run
all throughout
our great, big backyard

ah, to have the simplest of things
bring such utter happiness
that is what i wish for.

a broken heart
blames

it urges the brain
   to over analyze
     cut apart
and sort out
pieces of common sense
   until they lie senseless
                and accusatory
dried up and useless
while begging us to make things
right

so we try

we desperately toss about
   pick up
    disinfect
and disregard
we apologize
tamper with
   defile
and desecrate
things we thought
we believed in
just to have another crack

   at love

doesn't matter if it's the wrong love

we only want to hold onto
some kind of love.

walking unsteadily
because of the
unstableness of my mind

my thoughts collide
and any sense i've had
dissolves to form
hard angled pieces
that just don't fit

i can't see straight
i can't focus

all i've known
doesn't make sense anymore

the years collapse
to form an unending stream
of nothingness
that gets ****** down
the drain of my being
leaving me with a vast horizon
of the unknown
   the uncomfortable
    the new

but

offering me an oasis
barely visible in the distance
of inexplicable bliss

and left
hoping for the strength
to reach it.

i don't like being angry
   or resentful
or at the mercy of the red rage
that builds inside of me

    but

when i feel you're hurting him...
   picturing your face
sits better with me
when i see hatchet buried
deep within it

   but

i won't let my revulsion
pull me down into the bowels
of your elementary like intelligence

nope

besides, if i do
i risk losing him

and no one is worth that.

me
looking at your face
reading desperation
in every pore
seeing the regret drip down your cheeks
in the form of tears
i suspect anguish
in your quivering lips
and i sense the remorse
racing throughout your body
as you reach towards me
with outstretched arms
   i have to step back
   retreat
so as not to get ****** back into
your web of lies
once again.

he approached my window
this sad boy
   or so he seemed
he had pleading eyes
that weren't true
looking deeper
i sensed a crookedness
cunning
but i gave anyway
but not because i was fooled
i was intrigued
   i craved a fable
what has brought you here
   i asked
what misfortune have you encountered
   to become a beggar
   to lose all sense of pride
   to become less than humbled
   and at the mercy of others
in order to survive
   his answer i had forgotten
as soon as he started to speak
because his fabricated drama
was unremarkable
ordinary
so this time
my selfish reasons for giving
were unmeasured.

looking hard
i don't know what i see

i have an imagined image of
smooth lines
warm colors
blended tones
   adding depth
& beauty
i can envision that when i squint

but wide eyed and aware
i see something unfinished
harsh lines stopping abruptly
colors that clash
unbalanced features
an incomplete likeness
to what i've conceived

i've become the frankenstein
of my fabricated reality.

why won't you leave my head?
like a song spinning round and round
the words akimbo, twisted, distorted,
senseless
and annoying
oh, so annoying...
because it's beyond my grasp
distressing me
because i cannot make it stop
you...you...you
over and over
your smile
your scent
your touch
i don't know you
barely remember you
but can't forget you
is it because you awakened in me
a hunger i had thought i'd lost?
opening my eyes
to rediscover the woman
i know i am?

yes
simply, yes

*sometimes it's a good thing to be a little mixed up in the head

i observe
yes, i like to watch
most of it is comical
a majority is fake

painted on smiles
laughing at nothing
nodding agreeably
   to what
they don't know
   or care to know
securing their place
amongst a crowd
of the same

bobble heads
nodding
   yes       yes       yes
not understanding
but not caring

just going with the flow
of expectation.

waiting at the stop light
i watch the church goers
   filing in
     one by one

i imagine them
searching for the perfect seat
   to kneel
     with heads bowed
        hands folded

which one is the most pious?
                  who here the most devout?
you there, are you holier than thou?
            have you stuffed your offering into the basket
            so the big bill lies on top?
which one of you paid
           to be righteous?
who bought the rights to the first pew
facing god's representative?

you silly, silly people
you pathetically mislead drones

if you think that walking through oak based,
             brass handled doors
             embellished in brightly colored stained glass
lifts you above the rest of us?

                         you

              are
                 foolishly
     mistaken

if you believe there is a god...
do you honestly think he
would grant you sainthood
because you visited his house
and tossed in a jackson
instead of a washington
into the money ***?

well then
   if so
i'd have to say
you are worshipping
a false idol.

laughing and singing
     dancing
swaying to the music in my head
living in my world
the most comfortable world
       just me
dancing naked
amongst wildflowers that bow
to my every move
applauding me and urging me on
smiling up at me with yellowed faces
       purple
  blue
            pink
    and green
so so much green
the preferred currency color
of this world
             and that
being thrown at me
for my performance
the wind whistling
        in appreciation
and i fall exhausted
upon a bed of blossoms
bumble bees
             buzzing around my face
covering it with pollinized kisses
smiling i fall into a deep, deep sleep
dreaming of fantastical adventures
              and handsome paramours

this is my world
                        welcome to it.

where are you
oh lovely being
the scratch that eases
my itch
the jokester
that tempts me
and produces within me
a fit of unending giggles
where are you
my strong armed giant
the one that lifts me
way above the pain
and swings me high
until i land exhausted
and content
on a hillside of reverie
where are you*
savior of me
with offerings of hope
when i'm feeling hopeless
joy when i'm sad
solid ground
after drifting endlessly
on waves of uncertainty
i need to find you
i need to feel you
i need to know
if you are truly
real.

tiny hand
in mine
pulsating
with trust
love
your eyes are clear
they see me
and i see you
and we connect
we are attached
not a word spoken
just the piercing
of our eyes
reaching
committing
   i will
always hold you
lift you
comfort
and encourage you
when you can't count on others
you can count on me.

the end
so permanent
done, finished, kaput
why can't we continue
why does it have to be over
let's start from the beginning
again
and this time
just once
make it a long time
until the end.

i open my eyes to a day barely started
and my mind becomes a whirlwind
of thoughts bumping into each other

with bullying strength
the poison of uncomfortableness
forces away any happiness i may have felt

the fight within me
becomes almost unbearable
and a sob escapes my throat
with the realization
that nothing has improved

this life is tough
my life has drained me
and the will to carry on
becomes weaker with each passing hour

i crave to stand stable
   i urge my mind to succumb to happiness
     and i will my arms
       to open up and accept love
but the clicking of the clock
   the creeping of the minutes
beg me to face the inevitable
   force my heart
to beat with emptiness

and the realization
that the one true love i have
     myself
is less then what i've hoped for.

feelings of
excitement
engulf my being
while walking through forests
kicking brown, crackling leaves

ready and willing
is what i feel
yearning for opportunity
   hoping for satisfaction
      and settling on bewilderment

because confusion
keeps the mind young
and the heart
pumping.

you
skipping towards me
with arms opened wide
   smiling

then tripping over a rock
and smashing your face into the earth

and i laugh
       and laugh
            and...

she misses him most
early mornings
and right before dusk

the scent of his pipe
still fills the air
                at times

his chair sits vacant
and she finds herself
staring at it in longing

she still makes the coffee
strong
because that's the way
he liked it
and she can't seem to
break the habit

sweeping the floor
one morning
she finds a worn penny
   1912
smoothed to a bright copper
in color
his lucky charm
   must've fell out of his pocket
   the day they took him away

he was the love of her life
   they had grown old together
had more time than most

but the ache in her heart
and the emptiness of her arms
tells her, that still
was not enough.

blow smoke in my face
i don't mind
i'm spineless
          needy

and you...

well...
you're very, very cute

so...

i'll take the smoke
   i'll giggle at your stupid jokes
     i'll come when i'm called
(and *** when you need it)
        i'll look up at you in awe
and count my blessings
because...
after all...
i have
               you
what more could a
homely
simple minded
desperate for love
inexperienced
wall flower
expect...

an ******* is better than nothing.

the desperate scratching
of words to paper
producing mediocre prose
that beg for likes
leaving the author
breathless and sweating
while awaiting confirmation
he's good enough.

sitting here
thinking of all the yous i have had
there was you number one
the special you
who made me blossom
you number two
who took me away from
you number one
you number three
who brought me back to
you number one
you number four
who i can't remember
and all the yous after that
who blur together
except you number
   fifteen
you were that extra special you
because you promised me
life happily ever after
but you ended up leading me to
you number sixteen
and all the yous hence forth
which were only time fillers
and carnal desire necessities
none of yous mattered
until the last you arrived
and you were the one
who made me think
i will never have a you
again.

there is nothing sadder
than a person who has given up...
no hope
nothing to look forward to
no desire to care
no one to care about
feeling useless
helpless
at one with himself
no, there is nothing sadder than that.

...will an umbrella
protect my head
from the idiocies
of stupid people?

swept streets
and sidewalks
windows shined
to a gleam
a 'how do you do'
when passing
fruits polished
to the extreme

it's downtown
that's this neighborhood
laughing people
yelping dogs
friendly faces
but to a stranger
this side
of the neighborhood
could be uncertainty
distrust
and strange places

don't scurry past
when you're on this side
of town
raise your head
force a smile
do not frown

for this is the spice
of the neighborhood
these faces
they all are for real
no lies
will be told
in this neighborhood
and we welcome you all
with much zeal.

gloominess and rain
dark clouds, wet streets
the drip dripping of drops
heard beyond my window
this brings me comfort
this soothes my soul

the days move too quickly
like the warped image
of souls on a roller coaster

there's no difference
between sunshine
and rain
for the heart of the day
is the same
        suffocating

an intense feeling of unease

i'm waiting for the precise moment
to reach out
and bring someone in
because i know that's what's expected
that's what's needed to project
normalcy

oh, how i wish i could cry out
to them all
that
i am not
normal
i am not
ok

but i can't

not now

not until the reckless rotating of the days
slows down a bit.

i enjoy my aloneness
i delight in the lightness
of my shoulders
i breathe in my liberation
of your worries
your stresses
your anxieties
your problems

away from you
i am free.

i will not allow myself to be tormented by guilt.

i miss having
   a him
     a someone
       a date

i miss saying
yes, we'll be there
or
i'll check with him and let you know

i miss having
hon, pick up milk
or
babe, what do you want for dinner

i miss having
a warmed up bed
an always available hug
and an ear to my whining

i miss
a partnership
a twosome
a gossip buddy

i miss
making love in the AM
holding hands on the street
and a look of comfort
in a room full of strangers

i miss
the mister with missus
husband and wife
husband, wife and son

but most of all

i miss you.

kicked back and easy
lounging with the best

laughter filled rooms

head bumps
   fist bumps
a knowing wink

drink fueled
   synopsis
a calming pat on the back

ice clinking into glasses
the quiet 'pfft' of an opening bottle

these are the best of times
these are times spent with friends.