i miss having
   a him
     a someone
       a date

i miss saying
yes, we'll be there
or
i'll check with him and let you know

i miss having
hon, pick up milk
or
babe, what do you want for dinner

i miss having
a warmed up bed
an always available hug
and an ear to my whining

i miss
a partnership
a twosome
a gossip buddy

i miss
making love in the AM
holding hands on the street
and a look of comfort
in a room full of strangers

i miss
the mister with missus
husband and wife
husband, wife and son

but most of all

i miss you.

i've played the game
i've chuckled
at the results of
a lesser me
hurtful
uncaring
just to get you
to notice

and it worked

but now
this game is too much
the hurt
the uncaring
is directed at me

and i'm not cut out
for this.

being bounced around
   while standing still
being pulled this way
                 and that
while holding onto solid ground
the emotional disturbance
is rabid in my brain
taking each cell
                   dividing
       and dissecting
until i'm an experimental mass
of total confusion

that's
how you make me feel.

a crevice carved
deep within
cutting through
the unnecessary
hacking away
at the undesirable
pieces
of things
unneeded
unwanted
but still
there

why?

the scrambled thoughts
i've organized
have urged me
to be rid of
to toss aside
this garbage
that fills my thoughts
fills my mind
consumes my head
with
darkness

an unseen truth
yet a suffocating
existence
of what is real

this unhappiness
this unsettlement
a wavering reality
of
discontentment

and it cannot
or it will not
leave me

and so
i live my life
nodding
smiling
urging those around me
to embrace
to love
to feel utterly fulfilled
in an envelope of plastic
that cannot
be
real

but that which
is a totally acceptable
form of
life.

the pain starts
at the pit of my stomach
and slowly creeps upwards
toward my heart

an unsatisfactory vision
engulfs my soul
offering unwanted
feelings
of disheartenment
and despair

the fight i've fought
has weakened me
and acceptance
of a lesser existence
seems inevitable

still...
i concentrate vainly
on that one sliver
of hope
to pull me out of
this funk.

the aftermath of a night out
follows me for days

everything appears too lucid
like a Dali
dripping slowly
and eventually puddling on the floor
i'm being pushed through crowds
that give me ***** looks
frowning at my disposition
like it's my fault
sloshing about in this liquid tomb
that fills my head with the boom
                           boom
              boom
          of rock n' roll
and shot glasses hitting the floor

grant me sleep
or give me death.

tender the night
whispering wind
night birds calling their lovers in
melancholy moments
strengthened by the moon
forbidden caresses
remembered too soon
a hunger for passion
a stubborn need for touch
soothed while using myself as a crutch
the craving is satisfied
for tonight at least
blended with my dreams
of lascivious peace

i don't trust myself as your friend right now
i've grown too egocentric
     for that
my heart has become indifferent
the compassion i once felt
is nearly gone
i feel nothing when you weep
   i say nothing when you beg for help
it doesn't thrill me when you do good
   it doesn't hurt me when you are down
our past has ****** me dry
and it's become too tiresome
    for me
        continuing with you.

there are
too many people
voices that
cackle
cough
laugh
weep
yell
scream
beg
or cry

they are
constantly moving
walking
running
pushing
and shoving

STOP

i need silence
i am searching for quiet
peace
serenity
and stillness

direct me please
show me the way
tell me that i am not wishing for something
unreasonable
foolish
ridiculous
or strange

tell me i am not alone
tell me there are beings
like me
who search for uninterrupted silence
who need endless reassurance
of calm.

lovers pop up
in spring
like the many
blossoming flowers
fresh faces
filled with hope
fertilization
is eminent
hungry leaves
open and accept
the offering
of consumption
the continuation of life
is evident
by the planting
of the seed.

watching a leaf cascade down the current
of a trickling stream
the weariness of it
grips me
beckoning me to remember...
remember a time
when my life was just as out of control
caught up in the daily
swirl of overwhelming emotions
losing my mind
to the static of uneasiness and worry
so weak
so exhausted
so willing to allow myself
to sink into the depths of despair

but love kept me afloat

every now and then
a whisper of yesterday breathes past me
reluctantly i welcome it,
but only for a moment
for with a beat of my heart
those memories of long ago fade away.

feeling exhausted
     and *****
random songs
fill my head
like a record spinning
        round and round
the same lyrics played
over
           and over
driving me to the brink
                 of craziness
imagining an eraser
I wipe my brain clean
leaving an empty shell
   unplugged
     quieted
but for the skip, skip, skipping
of the needle.

i awake with a jolt
feeling disoriented
   where am i
     who am i with
   and
do i care?

shaking my head
it seems ridiculous
but i do it anyways
and it's then that i realize
i've gone and done it

i'm where i have no business being
with a someone i have no business being with

i don't feel good
and the onset of tears
i feel
pushing upwards
from my throat
the sobbing that's inevitable
for the very bad mistake
i have made
but
   i won't do it

     i won't let this
     this
          imbecile
know how i really feel
how i despise what i've allowed myself
to become

the giving in
   to a cute face
     a kick *** body
all for
a couple of hours of fun
and games
i forgot about the games
that come afterwards
and now i'll pay for that
   oversight
that comes crashing down
with the soberness
of tomorrow.

i notice you at a distance
and i trace your outline with my eyes
i like the provocative roughness
unkempt but hip

i notice
the wisp of your hair
at the collar
and the slight scrunch
of your jeans
at your boot

you have an easy way of walking
scuffing just a bit
your movements are nonchalant
casual
         confidant

my mind starts to wander
and i imagine you walking towards me
   in that casual way
giving me a crooked smile
and having your hair hang
   just a bit
as you bend towards me for a kiss

i smile with thoughts of
   what if
until you disappear around the corner
and i've lost you

for now.

...but i'll find you again
because i've filed you
into the fantastical part of my mind

under 'P'
    for *Perfection

she was walking east
he was coming up west
she was happy, giggly even
he was sullen, irritated

getting closer she was swinging her arms
humming a familiar tune in her head
he, thinking about his day
annoyingly shook his head
kicked at a lone stone

closer yet
she is practically skipping
hugging herself in contentment
he is becoming more agitated,
belligerent,
angry at the sudden crowd of strangers in his path

closer still
she easily, happily weaves her way through the crowd
smiling openly at whomever meets her gaze
he, angrily pushes through
get out of my way
growling to himself in disgust

even closer
she clumsily drops her purse
bends down to reclaim it
he, noticing a lull in the foot traffic
stomps his foot in aggravation
but pushes forward

right there
she stands up abruptly,
absently bumping into someone
ready with apologies
he, staggers backward from the bump
ready to lash angry words
and maybe even a push

right now
she, looks up,
an apology caught in her throat
he, swinging around
ready with angry words
that melt before they are spoken

destiny
she, wide eyed
spreads a glorious smile
shrugs her shoulders in apology
he, wide eyed
gives in to a smile he kept secret for too long

she and he
start a conversation
that will alter the course of that day
and everyday
from that moment forward.

THE END

i find myself climbing a ladder of sorts
up and up and up
unending
            steps
constantly moving
but going
   nowhere

why am i put on this ladder
is it the ladder of life?
   death?
or is it just an imagined thing
i have chosen to prove
   i am poetic?
because poetry always consists of a struggle
a struggle of life
   of wanting
     of being
       of belonging

which i am none of the above

i've given up wanting
my being is already established
   belonging?
i don't need to belong
actually
i loathe to belong
to anything
or anyone

so... why do i picture a ladder?
symbolic of an upward climb?
when all i want is to be grounded?
which i figure i AM
but maybe i am
                 NOT
o' befuddled mind of mine
what are you trying to tell me?
why must i climb this ladder
which undoubtedly offers a future to me
of vast openness and unending happiness?
when what i want
is assumedly right here with me now?

which leads me to question
should i question my vision
or accept it
as a vision of rightfulness
which stands to be unquestionably
true?

whisperings surround me
and i quickly turn
to accuse the guilty
but no one's there

i am alone

but the voices continue
   insistant

   poking
probing
   my brain
confusing me
causing me the added burden
of worrisome thoughts

sleep doesn't save me
for it's much too short

finding solace in prayer
is beyond my beliefs

exposing
expressing
exemplifying
would provoke no response

so i wallow in discontentment,
   sway in disillusionment
utimately collapsing to the ground
with a heavy heart

and...

...before long
i'm forced to accept
that i've been saddled

with a foolish heart.

the thrumming
in my chest
a quickened pulse
with just the thought
of you
i can see your smile
before me
and my hand reaches out
to touch you
   stroke your face
but i grieve
in the absence of
the love
i once felt
my heart aches
for feelings
i cannot find
my blood pumps
i breathe in
and out
i am alive
but without you
without someone
i am empty.

my translucent chest
bares a wounded heart
for all to see

they poke
probe
question
and shake their heads
in disbelief

wondering why a girl like me
isn't ashamed of projecting
that she's less than perfect.

digging through my brain
for some great memory
from the past
something i can hold onto
something that says
you were happy
once
you smiled easily
laughed with pure joy
slept uninterrupted

i want to hold hands
with that thought
swinging back and forth
joyfully
unadulterated
unblemished
free

i want to get lost
in that thought
forgetting what is
not imagining
what will most definitely
be...

...becoming enraptured
in the goodness
of what could've
been.

following dreams
living the dream
it's all a dream
dream state
dreamy

wake up

there are no dreams
only reality
and the reality is
you're living a nightmare
trying to live up to
your dreams.

*if your mind can dream it
your body can live it

looking through rose colored glasses
i am blinded by love

made numb
by a bogus kiss

swept up
in a current of passion
that's been shrouded
in a veil of phoniness.

i visited my dad
the other day
   my grandparents too

i miss them

the visit...
it brought me
            peace

i felt comfortable
   sitting there
i don't think they get many
visitors
i promised to come
   more often
even if it's only to sit

i think they like that.

to one day become me
to shed my layers and not squirm in my nakedness
to be able to shout in honest joy at what i see
to look at you and smile, sardonically, aware of what you've tried to do to me
and to know, that you have lost
and i have won.

i look for you
     always

     i’ll catch a flash of you
in the dark shadows
of a smokey bar
     or hear the scuff of your boot
on the beer soaked floor
     or the glimpse of black leather
as a door slowly closes

     i smell the aroma of you
while entering a book store
following it towards
the mysteries and horror
only to have the scent fade
somewhere between self help
and biographies

     i feel you
next to me in bed at night
spellbound by the very thought of you
aching to hold you
then saddened by the fact
that your side of the bed is empty

you've left me, i know
   and foolish, i may be
but it gives me comfort
   knowing you can arouse my senses
just by imagining you're still around.

a crooked man
sits in a crooked chair
glancing out the window

he nods in appreciation
at the balanced horizon.

some friends are friends
at their convenience
   if bothered
they disappear
   but...
feeling needy
   they're like a moth
                      to flame
being pulled into the light
  of comaraderie
until the heat
becomes unbearable
and you're left alone
   with a shell
of what once was
   and hoping
for what may be.

you will move
among fields of grain
your limbs craving
the soft touch
of whispered grasses

you will dance
the dance of unbridled
happiness and enraptured joy
closing your eyes
to an imagined peacefulness

love surrounds you

peace reaches for you

you ache to be fulfilled
harmonized
sustained
within a fortress
of unblemished
union

movements smooth
objective solidified
freedom from interference

obtained.

why do i embrace solitude
so much
why is it i crave to be alone
why is friendship a hassle
and partners annoying
why does family aggravate me
and children make me scowl
is this a sad existence
for one person
   for me
was i born to be one
a soul survivor
alone
but not lonely
by myself
but enjoying the company
or is it selfish of me
for not wanting to try
and accomodate

a little girl with sad eyes
sits in a field of flowers
plucking petals off of stems
one by one

she captures them
in the apron of her skirt

letting loose
the puddle of brilliance
she watches with weary eyes
as a rainbow of color
whisks through the skies.

she sits alone
watching the falling snow
through her bedroom window
her mind wanders to the past
trying to remember a time
when she didn't feel so alone
she doesn't remember happiness
she doesn't remember feeling love
giving a hug
or offering a sympathetic ear
all she remembers is anger
and resentment
hatred even
lashing out at the innocent
hurting the ones that loved her most
she has long given up questioning why
what's the point now
no use in trying to make amends
they have all left her
abandoning her
after years of cruelty
and now her empty arms search for comfort
in vane
her barren heart has kept her a prisoner
within herself
her past sins have brought her to this place
of solitude
and loneliness
her only consolation
is knowing death is near
a bitter old woman
who has solidified her fate
years ago.

the sky showed
dark clouds
with rumblings
in their bellies
i stood in a vast field
arms opened wide
waiting for the baptism
of rain
i needed a cleansing
   desperately
i willed the storm
to whisk away my sorrows
and allow my pain
to be washed away
on the cascading waves
of forgiveness.

it'll be a ****** shame
if i leave this earth
without knowing
true
happiness.

a ****** shame.

I’m gonna bend and stretch you
to fit my idea of
     **t
I’m gonna erase,  then add words
   so you say what I want to hear
i'll spray you with fragrance
   comb your hair just so
   zip up the perfect pair of jeans
and nod approval at what I see
you'll laugh at my jokes
   and cry when i say so
you'll **** me when i want it
   and leave me alone when i don't
and when i'm finished
I’ll stuff you in a box marked
    RETURN
*item damaged.

you're standing before me
dripping in remorse
melting in shame
filled with self doubt
and hunting for forgiveness
   but using the wrong bait
your humility has become less believable
each time
this performance has grown old
   and
you need some new material

the pigeons on my roof
make a soothing sound
between a purr
                    and a hum
   i like it

   the fluttering of their wings
the peck, peck, pecking of their beaks
searching for one more crumb

they keep my cat amused
   he's at the window
black tail swishing
eyes dilated with anticipation
making his small clucking sounds

cat and bird
   inches apart
one anxious for feathers to fly
the other only hoping for one last bit
of bread.

you purring besides me
intoxicates me
to a restful sleep

your invisible chains
aren't seen
but are felt
by many

we see you struggle
smile cemented
on your face
eyes pleading
to just
let it go

insults
betrayals
humiliations
are accepted by you
with hardly
an expression

you have quit
you've given in
you've succumbed
to the abuse
the humiliations
and the betrayals
accepting sadism
because to you
it's better than
being alone.

bury this day
make the hole deep then
fill it in with the dirtiest dirt and
pound that down with the biggest rocks and
leave them
on top of the dirt making
the grave airtight and secure. don't
leave a marker, there
won't be any visitors
just bury this day

death seeps
from every corner
the inkiness
of the night sky
suffocates me
trying hard
to squeeze me helpless
tears of resistance
flow
and the pain
is overwhelming
an imagined knife
cuts my heart in two
   then three
    then quartered
eventually left to bleed
out inside of me
leaving me feeling
lifeless
and numb

the once small spark of joy
and goodness
doused
before ever becoming
whole.

i can never see myself
devoting my whole being
   to one person
i don't consider that
selfish
i consider that
being true to          me
   me
           me
   me
and me.
i am devoted
to the one person
i can truly count on...always
                
whether i'm
                happy
    sad
                         discouraged
         *******
          dislocated
disassociated
                      ­    bored
  uncaring
                                thrilled
  t­urned on
turned off
                  willing
               or able
it's all about                    me
          me
   me
             me

and me.

be true to yourself.

something that's where it wants to be
doesn't need to be held onto.

the sun doesn't rise and set in anyone's eyes
for me
the earth doesn't rumble and split when he walks by
for me
colors don't seem brighter, sky's aren't clearer, birds don't sing louder
for me
cupid doesn't shoot arrows filled with love
fragrant flowers don't fill the room
there aren't sweet boxed chocolate smears on lips
there isn't a quick beating of the heart
there isn't a forever and ever til death do us part
for me
but that's cool
i've got time
i'll wait
and wait
and wait
for you.

your breath
on the back of my neck
lights the wick of my heart
which melts the rest of me
   into a gooey mess.

i chose solitude
over soul depreciating
neanderthals

i give you a sidelong glance
and wonder why
is it your looks
      your body
definitely not your personality
you're mundane
     predictable
       boring even
speaking with you
     i sometimes drift off
often times shake my head
                  baffled
so why are we friends
what do i get out of this exactly
            comradery
    companionship
      someone i can depend on
i don't feel it
maybe i am jealous
     insecure around you
because of your mundane views
      your predictability
     even your boring opinions
maybe it's not you
it's me
i'm the one that tries too hard
i'm the one that always has to be on
and you
you go with the flow
funny thing is
       it seems to be working
for you.

when does love turn into an obsession,
and simple need turn into something ugly?
when does kindness become overbearing while
providing comfort becomes infuriating?

indeed, there is a fine line between love and hate
and absolutely, a person can love too much;
and what a sad day that will be

do not fixate on one and risk being alone
do not expect so much as to become an irritant
and do not **** with kindness
only to be treated with frustrated cruelty

love shouldn't be smothering
love should flow effortlessly,
come naturally
only then will it be welcomed unconditionally.

his eyes were like silk
brushing softly on my face
leaving me dreamlike

i float with the wind
gathering up lost blooms
blown free from the flowers below

hugging them close to my heart
inhaling deeply the scent
of pure unadulterated beauty

billowing towards earth
landing softly
onto a golden field
of natures supreme
feeling a love of life
that fills me
with a peaceful consciousness

the sounds of life
surround me
the echoing of distant traffic
the sing song of birds
muffled arguments
a firecracker
close by
if i concentrate hard enough
if i allow myself
to leave
myself
i can forget my life
i can imagine a fantasy life
for me
an easy going life
filled with everyday sounds
smooth living
a mind void of troubles
contentment

if i just listen
to the everyday sounds
of everyone's life