i notice you at a distance
and i trace your outline with my eyes
i like the provocative roughness
unkempt but hip

i notice
the wisp of your hair
at the collar
and the slight scrunch
of your jeans
at your boot

you have an easy way of walking
scuffing just a bit
your movements are nonchalant
casual
         confidant

my mind starts to wander
and i imagine you walking towards me
   in that casual way
giving me a crooked smile
and having your hair hang
   just a bit
as you bend towards me for a kiss

i smile with thoughts of
   what if
until you disappear around the corner
and i've lost you

for now.

...but i'll find you again
because i've filed you
into the fantastical part of my mind

under 'P'
    for *Perfection

walking unsteadily
because of the
unstableness of my mind

my thoughts collide
and any sense i've had
dissolves to form
hard angled pieces
that just don't fit

i can't see straight
i can't focus

all i've known
doesn't make sense anymore

the years collapse
to form an unending stream
of nothingness
that gets ****** down
the drain of my being
leaving me with a vast horizon
of the unknown
   the uncomfortable
    the new

but

offering me an oasis
barely visible in the distance
of inexplicable bliss

and left
hoping for the strength
to reach it.

it'll be a ****** shame
if i leave this earth
without knowing
true
happiness.

a ****** shame.

the days move too quickly
like the warped image
of souls on a roller coaster

there's no difference
between sunshine
and rain
for the heart of the day
is the same
        suffocating

an intense feeling of unease

i'm waiting for the precise moment
to reach out
and bring someone in
because i know that's what's expected
that's what's needed to project
normalcy

oh, how i wish i could cry out
to them all
that
i am not
normal
i am not
ok

but i can't

not now

not until the reckless rotating of the days
slows down a bit.

my translucent chest
bares a wounded heart
for all to see

they poke
probe
question
and shake their heads
in disbelief

wondering why a girl like me
isn't ashamed of projecting
that she's less than perfect.

i don't trust myself as your friend right now
i've grown too egocentric
     for that
my heart has become indifferent
the compassion i once felt
is nearly gone
i feel nothing when you weep
   i say nothing when you beg for help
it doesn't thrill me when you do good
   it doesn't hurt me when you are down
our past has ****** me dry
and it's become too tiresome
    for me
        continuing with you.

looking through rose colored glasses
i am blinded by love

made numb
by a bogus kiss

swept up
in a current of passion
that's been shrouded
in a veil of phoniness.

the sun doesn't rise and set in anyone's eyes
for me
the earth doesn't rumble and split when he walks by
for me
colors don't seem brighter, sky's aren't clearer, birds don't sing louder
for me
cupid doesn't shoot arrows filled with love
fragrant flowers don't fill the room
there aren't sweet boxed chocolate smears on lips
there isn't a quick beating of the heart
there isn't a forever and ever til death do us part
for me
but that's cool
i've got time
i'll wait
and wait
and wait
for you.

i visited my dad
the other day
   my grandparents too

i miss them

the visit...
it brought me
            peace

i felt comfortable
   sitting there
i don't think they get many
visitors
i promised to come
   more often
even if it's only to sit

i think they like that.

digging through my brain
for some great memory
from the past
something i can hold onto
something that says
you were happy
once
you smiled easily
laughed with pure joy
slept uninterrupted

i want to hold hands
with that thought
swinging back and forth
joyfully
unadulterated
unblemished
free

i want to get lost
in that thought
forgetting what is
not imagining
what will most definitely
be...

...becoming enraptured
in the goodness
of what could've
been.

you're standing before me
dripping in remorse
melting in shame
filled with self doubt
and hunting for forgiveness
   but using the wrong bait
your humility has become less believable
each time
this performance has grown old
   and
you need some new material

i've played the game
i've chuckled
at the results of
a lesser me
hurtful
uncaring
just to get you
to notice

and it worked

but now
this game is too much
the hurt
the uncaring
is directed at me

and i'm not cut out
for this.

sitting here
thinking of all the yous i have had
there was you number one
the special you
who made me blossom
you number two
who took me away from
you number one
you number three
who brought me back to
you number one
you number four
who i can't remember
and all the yous after that
who blur together
except you number
   fifteen
you were that extra special you
because you promised me
life happily ever after
but you ended up leading me to
you number sixteen
and all the yous hence forth
which were only time fillers
and carnal desire necessities
none of yous mattered
until the last you arrived
and you were the one
who made me think
i will never have a you
again.

you purring besides me
intoxicates me
to a restful sleep

i give you a sidelong glance
and wonder why
is it your looks
      your body
definitely not your personality
you're mundane
     predictable
       boring even
speaking with you
     i sometimes drift off
often times shake my head
                  baffled
so why are we friends
what do i get out of this exactly
            comradery
    companionship
      someone i can depend on
i don't feel it
maybe i am jealous
     insecure around you
because of your mundane views
      your predictability
     even your boring opinions
maybe it's not you
it's me
i'm the one that tries too hard
i'm the one that always has to be on
and you
you go with the flow
funny thing is
       it seems to be working
for you.

i can never see myself
devoting my whole being
   to one person
i don't consider that
selfish
i consider that
being true to          me
   me
           me
   me
and me.
i am devoted
to the one person
i can truly count on...always
                
whether i'm
                happy
    sad
                         discouraged
         *******
          dislocated
disassociated
                      ­    bored
  uncaring
                                thrilled
  t­urned on
turned off
                  willing
               or able
it's all about                    me
          me
   me
             me

and me.

be true to yourself.

the end
so permanent
done, finished, kaput
why can't we continue
why does it have to be over
let's start from the beginning
again
and this time
just once
make it a long time
until the end.

i float with the wind
gathering up lost blooms
blown free from the flowers below

hugging them close to my heart
inhaling deeply the scent
of pure unadulterated beauty

billowing towards earth
landing softly
onto a golden field
of natures supreme
feeling a love of life
that fills me
with a peaceful consciousness

i look for you
     always

     i’ll catch a flash of you
in the dark shadows
of a smokey bar
     or hear the scuff of your boot
on the beer soaked floor
     or the glimpse of black leather
as a door slowly closes

     i smell the aroma of you
while entering a book store
following it towards
the mysteries and horror
only to have the scent fade
somewhere between self help
and biographies

     i feel you
next to me in bed at night
spellbound by the very thought of you
aching to hold you
then saddened by the fact
that your side of the bed is empty

you've left me, i know
   and foolish, i may be
but it gives me comfort
   knowing you can arouse my senses
just by imagining you're still around.

...will an umbrella
protect my head
from the idiocies
of stupid people?

tender the night
whispering wind
night birds calling their lovers in
melancholy moments
strengthened by the moon
forbidden caresses
remembered too soon
a hunger for passion
a stubborn need for touch
soothed while using myself as a crutch
the craving is satisfied
for tonight at least
blended with my dreams
of lascivious peace

i don't want a 4am phone call
asking for help

i don't want the crying
the begging
the accusations
thrown at you
but effecting me just the same

i don't want that sunken heart feeling
while answering a call i have always dreaded

i don't want to see you
in a state
of belligerence
incoherent
combative and drunk

i thought i was through with all that
once you left

i can't help you anymore
you chose to grow up
and move out
you said 'it was time'

yes, you have moved out
but you are far from grown up.

the pigeons on my roof
make a soothing sound
between a purr
                    and a hum
   i like it

   the fluttering of their wings
the peck, peck, pecking of their beaks
searching for one more crumb

they keep my cat amused
   he's at the window
black tail swishing
eyes dilated with anticipation
making his small clucking sounds

cat and bird
   inches apart
one anxious for feathers to fly
the other only hoping for one last bit
of bread.

the sky showed
dark clouds
with rumblings
in their bellies
i stood in a vast field
arms opened wide
waiting for the baptism
of rain
i needed a cleansing
   desperately
i willed the storm
to whisk away my sorrows
and allow my pain
to be washed away
on the cascading waves
of forgiveness.

you wave your flag
of arrogance
up down and around
proving to everyone
but yourself
that everything
is A-okay.

i observe
yes, i like to watch
most of it is comical
a majority is fake

painted on smiles
laughing at nothing
nodding agreeably
   to what
they don't know
   or care to know
securing their place
amongst a crowd
of the same

bobble heads
nodding
   yes       yes       yes
not understanding
but not caring

just going with the flow
of expectation.

a little girl with sad eyes
sits in a field of flowers
plucking petals off of stems
one by one

she captures them
in the apron of her skirt

letting loose
the puddle of brilliance
she watches with weary eyes
as a rainbow of color
whisks through the skies.

the battle raging within me
is very hard to control
strength against strength
weakness against weakness
emotional turmoil
riding an unceasing wave
of an irrepressible anguish
building upward at an incomprehensible speed
to come crashing down
with enough force
to render me weak, begging for sleep
drained and alone
at the mercy of my mind
pleading for the strength to get through another day.

we sat alone
on the bench
in the park
people watching
you tossed bread from your sandwich
to the pigeons
silently we stared
we held hands
every once in awhile
your thumb would graze my palm
time passed
and the sun began to set
the sky an intense purplish orange
you stood then
bent down
kissed me on the cheek
turned and started to walk away
i watched you
just as we had watched the pigeons
only moments before
but this was different
i was watching my love slip away
and i couldn't stop it
or you
our time was up
i should've kissed you
yes, i should've kissed you
now you are the one
that got away.

i want you to
sing the words 'i love you'
but pant the words 'i want you'

strolling
through my mind
seeing the nothingness
  wondering where all my thoughts are
poking the grey
urging a response

   nothing

a mindless walk
lost in a vast void
   of emptiness.

crayon colored pictures
show the innocence
of childish art
giving colors
where none were intended
making happy faces
out of gloom
showing rainbows
in storm clouds
bringing to life
flattened outlines
on a simple page.

i open my eyes to a day barely started
and my mind becomes a whirlwind
of thoughts bumping into each other

with bullying strength
the poison of uncomfortableness
forces away any happiness i may have felt

the fight within me
becomes almost unbearable
and a sob escapes my throat
with the realization
that nothing has improved

this life is tough
my life has drained me
and the will to carry on
becomes weaker with each passing hour

i crave to stand stable
   i urge my mind to succumb to happiness
     and i will my arms
       to open up and accept love
but the clicking of the clock
   the creeping of the minutes
beg me to face the inevitable
   force my heart
to beat with emptiness

and the realization
that the one true love i have
     myself
is less then what i've hoped for.

where are you
oh lovely being
the scratch that eases
my itch
the jokester
that tempts me
and produces within me
a fit of unending giggles
where are you
my strong armed giant
the one that lifts me
way above the pain
and swings me high
until i land exhausted
and content
on a hillside of reverie
where are you*
savior of me
with offerings of hope
when i'm feeling hopeless
joy when i'm sad
solid ground
after drifting endlessly
on waves of uncertainty
i need to find you
i need to feel you
i need to know
if you are truly
real.

gawking and gazing
observing and seeing
knowing what is
and what is not
continuing with the flow
of what i've come to know
ending the day
not with regrets or disappointments
but with an understanding
of what has become
    ... normal.

watching a leaf cascade down the current
of a trickling stream
the weariness of it
grips me
beckoning me to remember...
remember a time
when my life was just as out of control
caught up in the daily
swirl of overwhelming emotions
losing my mind
to the static of uneasiness and worry
so weak
so exhausted
so willing to allow myself
to sink into the depths of despair

but love kept me afloat

every now and then
a whisper of yesterday breathes past me
reluctantly i welcome it,
but only for a moment
for with a beat of my heart
those memories of long ago fade away.

I’m gonna bend and stretch you
to fit my idea of
     **t
I’m gonna erase,  then add words
   so you say what I want to hear
i'll spray you with fragrance
   comb your hair just so
   zip up the perfect pair of jeans
and nod approval at what I see
you'll laugh at my jokes
   and cry when i say so
you'll **** me when i want it
   and leave me alone when i don't
and when i'm finished
I’ll stuff you in a box marked
    RETURN
*item damaged.

i woke up breathing in
   another day greeting
     me
my heart beating
   within me needing
     peace
my eyes pleading
   my arms retreating
     lost
my soul bleeding
   my spirit receding
     alone...

misleading dreaming.

the thrumming
in my chest
a quickened pulse
with just the thought
of you
i can see your smile
before me
and my hand reaches out
to touch you
   stroke your face
but i grieve
in the absence of
the love
i once felt
my heart aches
for feelings
i cannot find
my blood pumps
i breathe in
and out
i am alive
but without you
without someone
i am empty.

following the happiness and exuberance
of others
   in my head
wishing, hoping, craving for
the realness of that
   in me
willing my mind to soar
instead of descending
into the depths of despair
this all consuming darkness
is overpowering
the grayness of the days is suffocating
i am crying out for an illumination of time
bring me the essence of a brilliant sunrise to sunset
show me the wonderment of a prismatic world
ensure in me pure exultation.

a crooked man
sits in a crooked chair
glancing out the window

he nods in appreciation
at the balanced horizon.

to one day become me
to shed my layers and not squirm in my nakedness
to be able to shout in honest joy at what i see
to look at you and smile, sardonically, aware of what you've tried to do to me
and to know, that you have lost
and i have won.

his eyes were like silk
brushing softly on my face
leaving me dreamlike

these twisting, turning days
of confusion
suffocate me with an intensity
that i feel may someday
   destroy me

when does love turn into an obsession,
and simple need turn into something ugly?
when does kindness become overbearing while
providing comfort becomes infuriating?

indeed, there is a fine line between love and hate
and absolutely, a person can love too much;
and what a sad day that will be

do not fixate on one and risk being alone
do not expect so much as to become an irritant
and do not **** with kindness
only to be treated with frustrated cruelty

love shouldn't be smothering
love should flow effortlessly,
come naturally
only then will it be welcomed unconditionally.

can i get you anything
a life, maybe
change of scenery
a conscience (why do i always have trouble spelling that word!)
honesty?
yes, how about that?
would you know how to use it
or is that something else
                     i'd have to walk you through
you're like one of my childhood books (nothing beats seuss)
that i've read so often
i only use it for the pictures
so predictable
and stoic (i think that word fits, who cares, i like the way it sounds)

but...
******* it
why do i still feel guilty
when i debase (cool word) you?

what's it like
to believe
with your whole heart
and soul?

to put trust
in your faith
and give to the unknown
to make things right

when bad happens
is it really "gods will"
or do you use that
as an excuse
to your laziness
or naivety

you offer your heart
your time
your money
to something none of us has seen
and revel in the comfort
of the holy spirit

i sometimes wish
i had that kind of faith
and surety...
offering all my misery and woes
to a god i've never met
but knowing
without a doubt
that everything will be
taken care of.

i chose solitude
over soul depreciating
neanderthals

everyone offers their idea of happiness
desirous to believe
                   that it is real
hoping beyond hope that they have found it
       knowing, but questioning
that they are different from the others
    playing a game
        assuming a character
while making others think
    that they are the anomaly
            of what truly is

there is no true happiness
                     no real satisfaction

     and accepting that?

the sooner the better

make due with what you have
consummate what is offered to you
live the life that you are comfortable with
without fears
without lies
without obstruction
and you too
can redefine
the definition of happy.

the boy spins a top
while the girl watches
her eyes spinning
as the colors go round & round
the boy falls into fits of laughter
when the girl looks at him
in cross eyed surprise.