being baked by the sun
while dozing on a field of dried grass
the uncomfortable feeling
of unanticipated acupuncture
seizes my senses
jolting me awake

through slight pain
my body reacts
to the joy
of being alive.

******* on a butterscotch
not a care in the world
handing all my problems
to you

my nights are easy
the days fly by
and my dreams
are full of *******

an unblemished mind
gives the best head
to the willing.

breathing you in
and hoping
it will give me the breath
i need to survive.

being alone
and accepting loneliness
separates
that are thrown together
when all explanations
have grown thin.

if i think hard enough
i can almost feel
the powerfulness
of your embrace
and
at the time
it feels strong
and i feel secure
but if i allow my mind
to grasp the truth
i know it's only
pretended security
you give me
for an easy
lay.

looking down
at my boots
watching them
kick leaves
and dirt
to the side

passing time
by the swooshing
of footsteps

the crisp air
grips me
in an uneasy embrace
carrying me forward

i feel my mind slowly clearing
with each careful step

coming to the edge of the clearing
my eyes greedily consume
what's presented before me
miles and miles
of mind blowing awesomeness

it's me
and nature
and i hope
beyond hoping
that this is enough.

if i could give you
everything i'd wished
were given to me
i can rest
easy.

a kaleidoscope of images
flash before my eyes
becoming embedded in my brain
what i need to see
   what i long to see
is the perfect you
constructed before me
every piece fitting
just right
turning slowly
you're displayed
for my approval
my heart beats
in anticipation
and the lifelong search
begins...

again.

i want to grab your face
and hold it
so you look closely,
and uncomfortably
into my eyes

can you please tell me

why you think
and take every chance
to vocalize
i am less than what i actually am?

following beauty
gives me an obscure
sense of what is assumed.

a broken heart
blames

it urges the brain
   to over analyze
     cut apart
and sort out
pieces of common sense
   until they lie senseless
                and accusatory
dried up and useless
while begging us to make things
right

so we try

we desperately toss about
   pick up
    disinfect
and disregard
we apologize
tamper with
   defile
and desecrate
things we thought
we believed in
just to have another crack

   at love

doesn't matter if it's the wrong love

we only want to hold onto
some kind of love.

climbing the rickety stairs
i keep my eyes
on the worn,
wooden door
just ahead
reaching for the ****
it turns easily
for something so old

opening
   i see you
for the first time in years
facing the window
   rocking
the floor creaking
beneath the chair

you don't turn
you don't acknowledge me
but i know
that you know
i am here

i search the scene
outside the window
trying to see
what you are seeing
but what i observe
is what has always been there
   aged trees
swaying gently in the wind
   a few birds
calling to one another
   farther off
   a hilly horizon
where blue and green
                                kiss

as i approach you
i think i sense a
hesitation in the rocking
   but i'm not sure

i place my hand on your shoulder
and you gently place yours on top
of mine

and together we stare
at an unchanged scene
through a dusty window
dismissing years
and having our hearts embrace
once again.

a good poem comes
from a destructive soul

agony
   pain
     heartache

every emotion
ripped to shreds

   spewed words
filled with contempt

   words that burst
from outlined fonts
to explode
before the eyes
of the willing

we seek those
who are desperate to grasp
just one sentence
of pure and utter
depravity

we don't want
   sing song

we want descriptive
paragraphs
that come from
a war torn
soul

we want
battered feelings
left to wither
and die
among the fingertips
of a keyboard

we want the depressed
degenerated
perverted
mind
to produce
a colorful, kick in your face
strangulating
paragraph
that swirls, flows
and cascades
into the thirsty heads
of the *******.


we want good poetry.

and we want it now.

my brain
is bouncing
on the jungle gym of life
trying not to misstep
causing me
to land flat on my face.

don't agonize
in desperation
about what could've been
   between us
don't dwell
on what you could've
   done different.
what is
   can't be changed
words spoken
   will not be forgotten
actions taken
   will continue to hurt

me?

i chose the path
to recovery

and you ?

continue to labor
in the past.

she misses him most
early mornings
and right before dusk

the scent of his pipe
still fills the air
                at times

his chair sits vacant
and she finds herself
staring at it in longing

she still makes the coffee
strong
because that's the way
he liked it
and she can't seem to
break the habit

sweeping the floor
one morning
she finds a worn penny
   1912
smoothed to a bright copper
in color
his lucky charm
   must've fell out of his pocket
   the day they took him away

he was the love of her life
   they had grown old together
had more time than most

but the ache in her heart
and the emptiness of her arms
tells her, that still
was not enough.

salty tears
fall into my glass of wine
offering a foggy sense
of composure.

skating away
her golden hair
floats silently behind her
she laughs
as she twirls
losing a glove
then sweeping it up
in
   one
      smooth
         motion
the operatic scrape
of her skates
fills the air
as the mesmerizing
dance of her routine
keeps us fascinated  

she's 10 years old
her worries are few
and her love of life
is still unadulterated
pure and
simple

she does an ice waltz
keeping everyone around her
in awe
while her mind is set
to fun.

in a park
near a bench
are pigeons
nesting
cooing
eating
waiting
for the precise moment
to drop a bomb
on some unsuspecting
head.

so many people in this world
   yet, i feel alone
i've got many numbers
in my book
   yet, i've no one to call
reflecting on photos
from the past
i see happy, smiling faces
   but today
     i struggle to force a smile
lives are cascading
swinging into balance
  a hug is met
    eyes reflect the joy
that is felt
   there's laughter
     glasses clinking
       a kiss on the cheek
         a pat on the back
but i am left
a lonely outsider
looking into
and longing for
that circle of
camaraderie.

time takes it's toll
and changes become
evident
i wish to blur
my reflection
but my eyes won't
deceive
and the acceptance
that hovers 'round my soul
doesn't come
easy.

two people
are walking down the street
hand in hand
i wonder...
are they happy
do they truly love one another
                   or
is he thinking of another
                 she
and is she wishing
she would've married
               him
or is what i am observing
just what it seems to be

two people in  love
walking down the street
hand in hand?

my heart hurts
not for a lost love
nor for unfulfilled passion
but for loss
i've lost something
i didn't know i needed
until i realized it was
gone
the seeds i've sown
have evolved into something
i
  do
    not
      want
but the thought
of exhuming
what i had grown
leaves me burdened
with a heavy sadness
and leaves me desperate
for signs of
i can understand.

i want to dip my finger
into happiness
and let it drip
into my mouth
savoring the taste.

death seeps
from every corner
the inkiness
of the night sky
suffocates me
trying hard
to squeeze me helpless
tears of resistance
flow
and the pain
is overwhelming
an imagined knife
cuts my heart in two
   then three
    then quartered
eventually left to bleed
out inside of me
leaving me feeling
lifeless
and numb

the once small spark of joy
and goodness
doused
before ever becoming
whole.

i dreamt of blood
   and pain
and horrified eyes
suffering
   and loss
and an undeniable desire
to set free

but i was helpless
   in this dream
to save the hurt
to ease the pain
to comfort
a terrified soul

i awoke
with wet eyes
and the gripping fear
of falling asleep
again.

open the golden gates
   of wonderland
skate upon
   viscous dreams
and the unending road
   of unkept promises

will you join me?

keep me company
as we ride a broken roller coaster
that ends
with us sailing
into an ink stained sky
dabbled with white-out
stars

we'll look up in wonder
knowing we can't fall
we won't fall
and we'll continue to sail
   far far away
trailing the breath of god
   bouncing on clouds

              laughing

embracing the satisfaction
of living an imperfect
life.

this time
i let the rain
wash over me
feeling delighted

and looking
in the mirror
instead of seeing
a drowned rat
i saw a
fluffy kitten.


*"rain down, O heavens, from above,
and let the clouds pour down righteousness..."

2 young girls
meet by a locker
for the very first time
eyeing each other
suspiciously
exchanging hellos
giggling at a lame joke
comparing class schedules
agreeing to meet up
in gym class...

...and so begins a life long friendship.

i like you
you offer me light
   which few have done

when i reach towards it
   and you
the darkness that
envelopes me
   fades

i stare in awe
at the brilliance you hold
and i smile with joy
knowing it's me
you're giving it to.

swept streets
and sidewalks
windows shined
to a gleam
a 'how do you do'
when passing
fruits polished
to the extreme

it's downtown
that's this neighborhood
laughing people
yelping dogs
friendly faces
but to a stranger
this side
of the neighborhood
could be uncertainty
distrust
and strange places

don't scurry past
when you're on this side
of town
raise your head
force a smile
do not frown

for this is the spice
of the neighborhood
these faces
they all are for real
no lies
will be told
in this neighborhood
and we welcome you all
with much zeal.

the misted lake
seems to flow forever
and i sit with wine
and scrambled thoughts
offering them up
to ride the waves
of uncertainty
hoping to touch another
with similar concerns
to be tossed back
to me.

i grieve almost daily
for the girl i once was

losing yourself
grips your soul
like a predictable
death.

tossed towards what's right
but being pulled towards
what's wrong
shaking my head
to try and sort out
the correct answer to give
being glared at
with accusing eyes
but knowing in my heart
i did the right thing
i acted the right way
i've spoken all the right words
but those eyes
boring through me
coaxing
bringing forth
the answer they want to hear
but i hold my ground
i stand solid
and those ears have to accept
the idiotic truth
that is spoken
to them.

i find myself
standing still
   just standing
and aware of doing
just that
            
i'm blocking
   all feelings
     all emotions
until the anger
slips away
   the sadness
melts into me
all my wrongs
become
   nothing
my rights
   nothing

i
   am
     just
       me

alone

trying to let go
of all feeling
so my thoughts
can blend together
and offer me
                      something

but the sadness
is
overwhelming
i can feel it
grip my heart
and squeeze
until the tears
eventually come
streaming
down my face
and i feel
weak
succumbing
to it
spilling out
all my
agony
and pain
in bellows
of inconsolable
grief

left withering
into a pile
of pathetic
weakness

hoping to awaken
to at least the offering
of new hope.

awakening
i'm holding onto nothing
the harsh reality hits
that my arms
    are empty
how could something
that felt so good
in my dream
become a nightmare
when i awake?

i wait
expectantly
willing you
to look my way
you are the only one
i've noticed
across a room
full of uninteresting
people
your smile
poked me
i turned
and there you were
now i wait
eager
for that one glance
because when our eyes lock
i will try
and reel you in.

the sky showed
dark clouds
with rumblings
in their bellies
i stood in a vast field
arms opened wide
waiting for the baptism
of rain
i needed a cleansing
   desperately
i willed the storm
to whisk away my sorrows
and allow my pain
to be washed away
on the cascading waves
of forgiveness.

my words
bounce off of you
like a balloon
bounces off a
child's fingertips

they don't phase you

i sometimes wonder...
do you even hear me
or do you chose to not listen

the breath i waste
could be better spent
on someone who craves
the oxygen
i give.

standing close
until our heartbeats
collide
beating frantically
combining the two
into one
clutching desperately
reaching for anything
that could possibly
bring us closer
a passionate kiss
that grips from within
a soft stroke
becoming stronger
until the intensity
is overwhelming
heat rises
causing
desperate breaths
quietly begging for
                                  more
   giving
    taking
     getting
      receiving
until we collapse
into a heap
of  satisfied
love.

your invisible chains
aren't seen
but are felt
by many

we see you struggle
smile cemented
on your face
eyes pleading
to just
let it go

insults
betrayals
humiliations
are accepted by you
with hardly
an expression

you have quit
you've given in
you've succumbed
to the abuse
the humiliations
and the betrayals
accepting sadism
because to you
it's better than
being alone.

the walk
took a turn
onto a mud filled road
either being ****** in
the mud
or tripped up
by huge stones
placed precisely
in my path
struggling to advance forward
feeling the constant pull
to go back
knowing it would be easier

stopping
i strain desperately
for any sign of encouragement
that continuing ahead
is the path
i must take.

love lost
then found
desperate hands
groping in the dark
for something warm
settling
on a naked back
falling asleep
with a contented sigh

only to wake up
in a cold bed

alone.

a crooked man
sits in a crooked chair
glancing out the window

he nods in appreciation
at the balanced horizon.

struck dumb
by a love that didn't last
left smoldering
and lost

peeking out from the blankets
realizing i was indeed
   alone

my eyes filled
and a single teardrop
slithered down my cheek

dreams shattered
in my head
and an explosion of hurt
cradled my heart

high expectations
made too soon
for a love that i knew
wouldn't last.

i write to remember
i write to forget
i write to remember to forget
or to forget to remember

i write when i'm sad
i sometimes get sad when i write
i write when i'm angry
i write when i'm drunk
i try writing when i'm sober
but those poems sometimes stunk
(i'm sober now...)

but i rarely write when i'm happy
probably because i despise
cutesy, flowery, happy go lucky
"roses are red,
your love is my greatest joy"
types of poetry...

but, hey, that's me...

he liked to take the boat
and drift in the waves
letting the gentle
splish splash
lull him into a state
of melancholic bliss.

the end is within reach
close enough for me to touch
making my fingertips tingle
and my legs weaken
with the fatigue of
over-analyzation

it rips worries apart
in my already warped mind

the good becomes bad
and the bad dissipates
quickly
because i want so desperately
   to feel good
about considering the need
   for an end

but i'm held firm by chains of
cowardice
   guilt
     and a love
that just won't let go.

broken hearts
don't mean much to me
   now

i won't weep with you
when you've been tossed
nor will i offer
words of comfort
or a tissue
to wipe your snotty nose
after endless days of crying

   but

i will encourage you to look at me
   probe
     feel and
       pinch me, if you must
for i am living proof
that one can survive a broken heart
even a heart that's been
                   stomped on
        chewed up
drained
           and spit out
laughed at
          humiliated
                    used
and eventually
ignored

and that should give you the comfort
you need

'cuz something broken
   can definitely be fixed.

you reached my heart
with your pleading eyes
begging me to make things
better

oh, how i want to

it may be difficult
   easing your pain
i could offer a kind word
open arms
but your pain is deep
from many years of damage
it's left you nearly unrepairable

but looking closely
i notice a glimmer of hope
in your weary eyes
a spark that hasn't been extinguished

and it's then i know...

it's not to late
to try and fix you

and together
we'll make you into a stronger version
than the one you were before.