it doesn't take much
to hurt me
but it takes a long time
for me to show it.

what's it like
to believe
with your whole heart
and soul?

to put trust
in your faith
and give to the unknown
to make things right

when bad happens
is it really "gods will"
or do you use that
as an excuse
to your laziness
or naivety

you offer your heart
your time
your money
to something none of us has seen
and revel in the comfort
of the holy spirit

i sometimes wish
i had that kind of faith
and surety...
offering all my misery and woes
to a god i've never met
but knowing
without a doubt
that everything will be
taken care of.

i'm not that person
who feels happiness
when others are happy
    instead
i relish in their misery
and pain

the downhearted and defeated?
   i am drawn to them
like flies to ****

i look to the deflated
secretly giddy
knowing they have lost
all hope

come to me
so i could feed your fire
of despair
because the more desperate you are
the more content
i become.

it's a sad day indeed
when the only poems
i feel i can write
are full of defeat...

you're in my head so much
i don't know if i'm living my life
or yours

drifting upon
the waves of hypocrisy
being kept afloat
by the lies i've told
all it takes
is one proven truth
to puncture
the shell of my being
and leave me sinking
towards the bottom
to rest upon
the sands of my betrayal.

the realization
that i've finally gotten
what i thought i wanted
leaves me desperate
to have
what i thought
i didn't need.

do you know
i think of you
in my saddest moments
bittersweet memories
fill my head

but i feel no comfort
with these thoughts of you
only reminders
of where my sadness
was planted.

i used to love hearing
my grandmothers laugh
i tried everything i could
to get her to smile
her heart was full
   close to bursting
with the love she felt
no unkind words
escaped her lips
and she listened with an intensity
that burned through her eyes

since she's been gone
i have yet to feel
another love like that.

digging through my brain
for some great memory
from the past
something i can hold onto
something that says
you were happy
once
you smiled easily
laughed with pure joy
slept uninterrupted

i want to hold hands
with that thought
swinging back and forth
joyfully
unadulterated
unblemished
free

i want to get lost
in that thought
forgetting what is
not imagining
what will most definitely
be...

...becoming enraptured
in the goodness
of what could've
been.

there's nothing worse
then tears
that refuse to flow.

this night
is lost in a winter wonderland
of hypocrisies
   and lies

a babe is being torn in two
by opposites
that know no better
other than what feels right
for them

false smiles
   and promises of love

offerings of
"if you need me, i'm here"
that aren't  honored

i've grown accustomed
to the falseness

i accept the dishonest
hugs of promises
that won't be kept
while offering the same

my back aches
my heart has grown wearier
   still
and i'm left here
with a baffled mind
and the realization
that family
doesn't live up to the hype
of what family
really is.

i don't know
if i really miss anything
or anyone
anymore

my mind is set
to accept the now
to embrace
what is
and to ignore
the uncomfortable & galling

it's easier nowadays
to dismiss
cut off
& end
that which doesn't fit
those
who don't understand
   the skeptical
& uninterested
   the fakes
   phonies
   & wannabe's
who are easily molded
swayed
and convinced

i want the strong
the sure
and the queer
i'll take the weird
& unconventional
cocky clowns
who dwell on today
who've dismissed yesterday
and who look forward to tomorrow

i would claim them
as my perfect army
of delicious misfits
who quell for the status
of being obscure

the rain plays a lullaby
that promises a peaceful sleep.

blending into the crowd
that's not me
in a field of red
   i'm the black dot
when everyone's quiet
   it's me who squeals
people are crying
   i'm clapping and laughing
   at the hilarity of the moment
i'm running
   when it says 'walk'
i'm taking something
   that says 'do not touch'
i steal things
   just because
i'm a tail rider
garbage picker
evil eyed lady
that leers at an unruly toddler
i don't kick dogs
i don't eat meat
and i love candy
i drink beer
do shots
and make fun of people
i don't care if someone dislikes me
and i only have a few close friends
i wear sweats to parties
and dresses to bowl
my friends take me
   or leave me
it's all the same to me
i love my son
and would **** anyone that hurt him
my mother's a nut
and my dad's dead
my brother's are cool
but not as cool as me
i'm a great aunt
and an even better mother
i say what i mean
and mean what i say
i'm trying to stop saying '****'
but, sadly, i'm failing
each day is a gift
and even better when i'm drunk
i plan on retiring rich
and can't remember the last time i got laid
i'm doing what i was put here to do
and if i've touched your life...consider yourself lucky

i'm susan
   i'm a poet
and an artist

and i'm in love...

i don't like people
questioning me
looking at me
quizzically
trying to figure me out

don't

there's no rhyme
to my reason
no "aha" moments
to be had

for...
there's no book
more open
nothing more readable
than me

so...
if you want to get to know me

just be

eventually
we'll find each other.

you plead for my friendship
with your worried eyes
but
desperation only
pushes me further away.

walking unsteadily
because of the
unstableness of my mind

my thoughts collide
and any sense i've had
dissolves to form
hard angled pieces
that just don't fit

i can't see straight
i can't focus

all i've known
doesn't make sense anymore

the years collapse
to form an unending stream
of nothingness
that gets ****** down
the drain of my being
leaving me with a vast horizon
of the unknown
   the uncomfortable
    the new

but

offering me an oasis
barely visible in the distance
of inexplicable bliss

and left
hoping for the strength
to reach it.

when i consider my choices
i know i've made the right one.

another night
going home
alone
but
by choice
i observe you all
   bickering
     watching
      not trusting
going home in anger
to wake up with dread
why go through it
   i wonder
i know i have done the same
in the past
and i question why
why do we put up with unhappiness
just to claim being
coupled
doesn't make sense
to me
but
if you're accepting of it
go for it
but me
i'll settle with
going home alone.

i awake with a jolt
feeling disoriented
   where am i
     who am i with
   and
do i care?

shaking my head
it seems ridiculous
but i do it anyways
and it's then that i realize
i've gone and done it

i'm where i have no business being
with a someone i have no business being with

i don't feel good
and the onset of tears
i feel
pushing upwards
from my throat
the sobbing that's inevitable
for the very bad mistake
i have made
but
   i won't do it

     i won't let this
     this
          imbecile
know how i really feel
how i despise what i've allowed myself
to become

the giving in
   to a cute face
     a kick *** body
all for
a couple of hours of fun
and games
i forgot about the games
that come afterwards
and now i'll pay for that
   oversight
that comes crashing down
with the soberness
of tomorrow.

you swallow your
bottled up anger
and spew onto the next person
that dares approach you

friend or foe
you know not the difference

they're all the same
   to you
you're as comfortable
with each
   which isn't at all

you've been crippled
bred in abuse
rage
   and hate
you know no other way

born innocent
then molded
into knowing
                     only how to hurt.

don't count on me
i'm sick of being there

don't invite me
i won't come

don't add me to your list
i'm unavailable

don't include me
i don't like you

when i laugh
it's at you

when i plan
your'e not a thought

when i roll my eyes
it's you i think of

you dress funny
your hair's a mess
your walk needs work
and your laugh is phony

so

when you ask if i think of you
that's what comes to mind.

it would be easy
taking you back
easing on in
to the old routine
of you hurting me with actions
me hurting you with words
both numb
rolled out
stamped into shape
day after day
until the smiles turn to smirks
and thoughts of your touch
   make me cringe in disgust
phone calls go unanswered
   then unattempted
i won't see you for days
   and smile about it

yeah, it would be easy
taking you back

much more difficult
starting something new.

a friendship ends
when you're no longer cool
but an embarrassment...

among family & friends
    is when i feel most alone

i laugh when expected
   (sometimes a beat too late
getting a sidelong glance
and questioning eyes)
  i shrug

i want to say
   ignore me
i'm really not here
  
you people don't know me at all
   you
my blood
     my dearest
       and bestest

who of you has taken the time
to really know me?
to unravel my flaws?
to arrange the pieces of my brain
that don't quite fit?

who of you isn't embarrassed by me?
by my strangeness?
and odd behavior?
my silly clothes?
and wild ideas?

which of you truly love me?
not because it's expected
   or required
but because i am just that...
     lovable

i don't need your love
   really
just show me
your acceptance

or leave me be.

i met a man
i still don't know
who had a chip on his shoulder

i know where i stand
it's not up to me
to make you feel better

knock that chip off yourself.

the mentally unstable
live contented lives
     while trapped in their own minds

medicate them
fill them with therapy

and you're left with another clone
to ruin society.

i want to spit you out
like you're infected bile
that collects at the bottom of my stomach
making me sick.

you leave me desperate
for a good cleansing.

waiting at the stop light
i watch the church goers
   filing in
     one by one

i imagine them
searching for the perfect seat
   to kneel
     with heads bowed
        hands folded

which one is the most pious?
                  who here the most devout?
you there, are you holier than thou?
            have you stuffed your offering into the basket
            so the big bill lies on top?
which one of you paid
           to be righteous?
who bought the rights to the first pew
facing god's representative?

you silly, silly people
you pathetically mislead drones

if you think that walking through oak based,
             brass handled doors
             embellished in brightly colored stained glass
lifts you above the rest of us?

                         you

              are
                 foolishly
     mistaken

if you believe there is a god...
do you honestly think he
would grant you sainthood
because you visited his house
and tossed in a jackson
instead of a washington
into the money ***?

well then
   if so
i'd have to say
you are worshipping
a false idol.

sing a soft melody
straight from the heart
watch the music
float through the air
looking to land
on worthy ears.

i observe
yes, i like to watch
most of it is comical
a majority is fake

painted on smiles
laughing at nothing
nodding agreeably
   to what
they don't know
   or care to know
securing their place
amongst a crowd
of the same

bobble heads
nodding
   yes       yes       yes
not understanding
but not caring

just going with the flow
of expectation.

my translucent chest
bares a wounded heart
for all to see

they poke
probe
question
and shake their heads
in disbelief

wondering why a girl like me
isn't ashamed of projecting
that she's less than perfect.

the truth is thrown at me
like a discarded
*** of paper
missing the target completely
but the point is made.

it's been a long time
since i've looked into
a beautiful face

and even longer
since i've been lost
in lustful eyes.

some friends are friends
at their convenience
   if bothered
they disappear
   but...
feeling needy
   they're like a moth
                      to flame
being pulled into the light
  of comaraderie
until the heat
becomes unbearable
and you're left alone
   with a shell
of what once was
   and hoping
for what may be.

my wild heart
beats excitedly
feeling overwhelmed
with desire

soft caresses
quicken the pulse
sending it into a whirlwind
of hypnotic feelings

control is lost
falling from fingertips
dazed
by prickles of need

not satisfied
until flesh meets flesh
ending with the exhaustion
and perspiration
of spent love

looking through rose colored glasses
i am blinded by love

made numb
by a bogus kiss

swept up
in a current of passion
that's been shrouded
in a veil of phoniness.

your wounded soul
peers through the mask you wear
that covers your heart

you cannot disguise
the pain you've endured
for i see it in your eyes

   this betrayal...
         it has hit you
like a left handed sucker punch
and has left you grasping
and pleading
for the surety
you've once felt.

why is it
that more people are bothered
by my relationship status
then i am?

i can be your all
   if you let me

open your mind
and let my craziness
enter.

look for me
when you reach
the end of your rainbow

i'll be the one bathing
in melted gold.

a twisted, demented, psyche
tangled with obscene thoughts
producing a wild eyed look
that scares the unfortunate
                            who don't understand

uncontrollable twitches
wracking an untamed body
trying in vain
to suppress the brain
                spitting at a stranger instead

foul language
     unimaginable strength
       hurting without meaning to
                                                    embarrassi­ng the ignorant
being shunned
   ridiculed
     abolished

to live a life
of abandonment
and loneliness
all because of a warped
mind.

a bright sunday morning
brings the crashing awareness
of the overindulgence
of the night before.

the setup between them
came unexpectant
and fast

forced to hold hands
plastic smiles
in place
   vowing to love
      honor
        and even obey

love comes second
   isn't necessary
for learning to tolerate
was their birthright.

a little girl with sad eyes
sits in a field of flowers
plucking petals off of stems
one by one

she captures them
in the apron of her skirt

letting loose
the puddle of brilliance
she watches with weary eyes
as a rainbow of color
whisks through the skies.

a joy to countless
brings pain to some

it takes but one
to douse the happiness
   of many

...if you let it

hold onto the positive
extinguish the negative

don't let others fears
   & insecurities
tear down all that you believe
   all that you feel
     all that you love
just to salve a wound
that has been festering
long before
you became
     what you are today.

i crave
a strong chest
to lay my head upon
comforting arms
wrapped around me
eyes that meet mine
with glassy certainty
a home against a body
that fits snuggly into mine
no assumptions
no questions
no sleepless nights
just something
that's us.

all this loneliness
i read about
   witness
so many people
   crying for love
     craving it
       waiting for it
doing any thing to make it happen
but
ignoring the obvious
   standing in a crowded room
     walking overpopulated streets
       driving in snail paced traffic
not noticing
  not looking
  not knowing
that the love you seek
may be the person
standing close enough
to touch.

the years are passing
and my aloneness
seems permanent
but i do question myself
i probe my brain
and decide that yes,
this is my choice
my desire
my hand slap on the table
for it's been so long
my trying to convince others
so i've finally accepted it myself
the fate of being
so very much
alone.