I don't know how to feel
when i look your way i want to see you
how you once presented
so enchanted by the life you lead
i watched as one by one,
the aspects that once shone a bright purple,
now just radiate behind you,
they seem like they are suffocating you,
following you,
dragging you down.
now i can’t help but feel defeated.
because my sister, my best friend,
once so joyous and palpable,
is now left a shell of what she used to be.
she is unreachable, i can’t reach you.
living in every day fear of what is to come,
trying to ignore the inevitable,
but that is just it. inevitable.
one day you will leave this world,
and i wont blame you.
and i cant blame the things around you.
after all, death is the one thing we are promised in life.
so although i can come to terms with the fact that you are on the cusp of death,
i don't think i will ever be okay with the build-up towards that.
the intense pool of dread that is packaged along with losing you.
my beautiful sister.

You are damaged.
You go about life blindly,
hoping to be shielded from the consequences of your own actions.
what made you this way, I ask myself.
I ask myself this despite the shame I feel
In the fact that I know exactly what.
Because I was there, watching, every time.
I was present, but not present at all.
I was listening but not listening at all.
I was scared, but not scared at all.
It’s your pain to claim, not mine.
It’s not mine to feel,
so why do i feel it so deeply.
I’ll shove it down for now,
I’ll offer my shoulder, and tell you it’s okay.
you are okay.
he can’t get you anymore.
you are okay.
am I okay?