stephanie: Favorites

Aug 2013 stephanie

briana hailey ferenczy

I wonder if you knew what you were doing
did you know you were making my insides raw
emotionally
and physically

and did you think that your daughter
would be reading ****** abuse memoirs
obsessively

and cutting her arms until the scars
hurt worse than the wounds themselves
did you know I would do anything to be
noticed

by anyone but you
did you know you would cause me to have
to see you with company

and did you know that you would
cause me to cry
at any
small
thing

and did you think that your abuse
was the best present you could give me?

thank you for causing me to hate
happy birthday
and big crowds where small things can happen

small things
that would ruin me in 5 minutes
that aren't small at all
*and many more

Aug 2013 stephanie

My savior

Aug 2013 stephanie

tiaamaariaa

My savior

why does it hurt so much?
I guess its the feeling of
being alone again.
not being able to see a happy face
a face of someone I adore
I adore so much that I do so much to impress
all for what?
a hug
a kiss
a few laughs
or the fact that , his
face
hugs
kisses
laughs
are the only thing that makes me feel
wanted
special
beautiful
most of all..
safe
-te

plans just got ruined for me to see someone, and i'm not taking it very well :$

Jul 2013 stephanie

Love lies.

Jul 2013 stephanie

Maddie Ours

Love lies.

It's interesting.
When you can have my body,
You love me.

But when…
I'm lost in my own mind,
You are gone.

It makes me wonder.
What made me think I deserved you?
Was I actually that dumb?

Silly me.
Thinking I could be loved…
Won't happen again.

Jul 2013 stephanie

Untitled

Jul 2013 stephanie

Maddie Ours

Untitled

It's only the beginning of the end.
Or is it the end of the beginning?
It's too small,
This room I'm hiding in.

Hiding? Hiding from what?
Myself.
The world.
Myself.

The medicine is bitter,
It's all I taste now.
Your stale kisses mean nothing to me.
I'm in my quiet room.
No one exists.

You could try,
Try.
To save me.
You'll fail.
The cuts too deep,
Hunger too extreme.

I'm gone.
My quiet room is all I have left.
But OH!
The smallest sliver of doubt slides in.
It bleeds.
Multiplies.

Alas,
Now I know I'm surely mad.
For only someone mad
Would have a mind that attacks it's quiet place.
I'm mad.
I'm done.

Jul 2013 stephanie

Sometimes…

Jul 2013 stephanie

Maddie Ours

Sometimes…

Sometimes…
I pretend I'm dead.
If I lay still,
And be very, very quiet,
I'm no longer there.

It's bliss,
Laying here,
Dead like this.
It's better,
Than facing the masquerade of reality.

It's better than
Lies.
A plastic disguise.
An ugly face,
A fat disgrace.

I can pretend,
That I'm real.
I can feel.
I'm perfect.
Not a defect.

But then,
Comes the waking up.
I'm back.
To being,
Me.

Jul 2013 stephanie

Truth

Jul 2013 stephanie

Anonymous

Truth

It is amazing
How you never can really
Tell the simple truth

Jul 2013 stephanie

commitment

Jul 2013 stephanie

speakeasied

commitment

I can feel your eyes scraping at my collarbone,
greedily moving downward to your self-proclaimed
property that was once under my name,
but I gave the deed to you quite some time ago
and you have allowed me to room inside yours
in exchange for the trouble.
In fact, I have found the beating so comforting
that I was wondering if perhaps I could move in.
They say the pulse sounds something similar
to lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub,
but I like to believe it's your own language
that secretly says I-love-you-I-love-you-I-love-you.

Jul 2013 stephanie

Am kinda weird

Jul 2013 stephanie

REAL

Am kinda weird

I like to drink coffee

I like to put my nose
on the edge of the cup
so the steam go's up my nose

I like eating an egg sandwich
with ham and salami
and a lot of ketchup

I like watching the yoke
spilling out to the sides

I like standing on outside
in the morning
so the cold hits my morning eyes

I like to imagine kissing the girl i love
under the rain
or snow
or sleep beside them on winter mornings
and have weird conversation

I like feeling like i don't why
were i am,who i am
or who anybody is
as if i was born again

I like chewing my nails
so the more skin then nail

I like the curve of lips
cause since my first kiss
i find something interesting in them

I like seeing the beauty in tiny things
even a drop of water falling off a leaf

I like to listen to music
and imagine am playing the song with a band

I like imagining my life is a movie
with the cool camera shots

I like taking pictures
of many things

I like walking a lot
and taking the train a lot

I like to see people walking by me
imagining what their life is like

I like having odd conversation topics
with my friends
that we end up looking at each other
and laughing...

I guess am weird like that