You can reprehend me
all you want,
but please
don't smear my words.

They're my
feelings,
my world;
the only written whispers
I know to be
true.

Orwell once said, “All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery. Writing what we live is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”

I am the demon
who I can neither
resist nor
understand.

I can't write beautifully or with heart anymore and it makes my soul feel like it's drowning in the merciless sea that my mind has become

i.

I sat down at the piano alone on stage and
played my favorite melody at the time
The notes echoed in my ears and sent a smooth buzz
through my veins
I felt someone’s presence and turned my head to see your eyes
following my fingers that eventually stopped dancing on the keys
You looked up,
our eyes met,
and I was never the same

ii.

Your name lit up my phone and my heart nearly skipped a beat
I opened the message; a cue for me to come out and meet you
We took a silent drive to the restaurant, our only words being
"I like your shoes" and "thank you"
Before I could reach for the door handle
you opened the door for me
and I already liked you more than the minute before
We sat at the table and ordered food that became cold anyway
since we preferred getting to know the strangers we saw in each other
that chilly, Saturday night
"I can tell I’m going to like you a lot," you said
I smiled, hoping you weren’t lying
Thank god you really weren’t

iii.

I was terrified of your mother when I first met her
I think I always will be
Your father is a favorite of mine, though
I enjoyed spending time at your home
I remember you were sick one day, so we went to your living room couch
and watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
as my fingers danced upon your neck in slow, gentle motions
with your head comfortably resting on my lap
We had a blanket covering the both of us and your father came in
and thanked me for taking care of you
When you fell asleep that was the first time I had seen
an angel in human form
I haven’t seen another one since

iv.

I had never smoked in my life
—**** or cigarettes—
and you happened to have both
I was always curious about cigarettes
so I tried those first
I hated it but I didn’t cough
and you called me a champion
We eventually smoked some of your
beautiful greens
and I felt it settle in my body and lift up my head
I turned to look at you and instead
our lips met
and we rolled over into a trance
I’ve never quite gotten out of

v.

Back and forth, back and forth
our lips gently played together
then our hands
then our legs
until our bodies intertwined
You laid me down and kissed my neck
then my chest
then my stomach
and you slid your hands under my sweater as I slipped mine
under yours
Our eyes met once again and I whispered
"please"
slowly removing what garments were
unneccessary—
You nodded your head, grasped my face, and kissed me again
except this time around I felt a stronger sensation
It ran through my body and escaped through my mouth
There was something breathtaking about the way you
said my name
and when someone else says it
it doesn’t feel the same