kinda regret taking for granted all those mornings i spent
             waking
                            up
                                   to
                                        you.

it's interesting how intially
with you I felt nothing

but now that it's over
there's this banging in my chest that's scREAMING

                  "please come back to me"

I never wanted you
     but want you now

but before all I felt was nothing.

see, I didn't mean for you to be my muse
       -my sense of pain and isolation

but now you are.
and isn't that just ironic

because before there was barely even a spark
& now my fingers ache and tingle
constantly outstretched
           -reaching,
          wondering where you went
          wondering what you meant when you said
                "maybe our timing was wrong,
                      but I'll always be here for you"

is that really true?


because the one before you sang the same tune.  



oh, you didn't mean to become my muse.
but now you are.

tell me why
          you wouldn't look me in the eyes
tell me why
          he denied he grabbed me in between my thighs
tell me why
          you wouldn't bother to TRY to tell me that

I COULDNT HAVE ASKED FOR IT AT 12 YEARS OLD.

this is the fear that paralyzes me daily.
this is the fear I have fought to take away.
a fear you will NEVER understand.

and that is why I say: PLEASE do not minimize my pain because
you
have
the
privILEGE
      


                   of not experiencing molestation yourself.

but he is none of those things.

and i will break his heart, just like mine did with you.

but that was just the thing, wasn't it?

because you were spontaneous
reckless
wild
bold

I couldn't dare try to control any bit of you
& yet I love you still

every night I lie awake
wondering which path I'll take
oh, how crazy, wild lost I am

help me find my way back home
help me go where I can't roam
these restless nights are just gonna have to wait

there's the rough and rugged boy
the one that treats me like a toy
a piece of plastic quickly thrown away

but then there is you
oh, there is you
baby, please, why don't you come my way

I've never felt this way before
you've washed me up upon this shore
your blue eyes, hon, are dancin' like the waves

baby, please don't leave me here
for once my life- it seems so clear
don't throw me right back into that storm

oh, baby, it's you
you know this is true
you've got me wrapped up in your waves
oh, I'm so wrapped up in your waves

your promises meant nothing to you,

but i let them mean everything to me.

& now you're gone

away with my heart,

leaving behind chaos
                           confusion

                           & leaving me behind

now nothing more than a shell

of the human i once used to be