i swear you’ll find love
in the strangest place
and are going to feel out of the world
but don’t  worry
at least now what’s yours
have found you.

i think about angels
and what they think about you.

what were they thinking when God made you?

what did they feel?

what was the first word that they said when they first laid their eyes on you?

what were they doing?

when you were born, what did they think about you?

i wonder,

if they thought you were the prettiest of them all.

if they were angry.
or jealous.
or if they loved you.

was their first word-
nothing.
like absolute nothing because they were starstrucked by your existence.

maybe they were doing their jobs but
did they stop just to look at you?

I’d love to think that they thank God for making her as a human being because if she were to be angel, there would be the biggest war to ever existed.

And i thank God for making you, you.

It’s the way our fingers interlock;
So smooth,
So,
Eager.
And it’s the feeling of our skins meeting that i could not quite decipher how it makes me feel.

so,
tell me about it.
tell me what makes your heart aches, mom.
is it dad’s word?
is it her behaviour?
is it his face when you are around?
is it her lies?
is it his stubbornness?
or is it me?
is it me, mom?
did you mean it when you said you wanted me out of this house?
did you mean it when you said i was ugly and stupid?
did you mean it when you said i was useless?
or that one time when you wished we never existed,
did you mean it, mom?
did you mean it?
did you ever just,
wish we weren’t here?
if so,
then tell me mom,
what makes you heart so happy, it speaks in languages you can’t understand?
tell me what makes you smile for eternity.
tell me what makes you dance like no one’s watching.
tell me what makes you happy, mom.
tell me, mom.
tell me!
i promise I’ll make it happen.
even if it means i have to be 6 foot under.

it was your words that i needed,
the thoughts of what it could be lingered on the walls of my mind,
like how the days and nights I’ve spent with you,
soared every time a thousand memories of you passed my mind,
it was what i needed the most,
and you refused to give me that,
instead you ran and vanished into thin air,
leaving a void no soul could fill.

if everything love,
do not mistaken my worries for regrets,
for all the love i feel in my heart,
it is all for you.

i dont know why i feel so,
im still trying to find ways of out of this maze,
because it kills me that you want to know why i love you,
because there could be trillions of reasons,
but really,
which one will your soul fond the most?

if everything love,
i want you to know,
till this day im still trying to find the right words to say,
so that i will not hurt you in any way while saying it,
and i swear on my life, darling,
hurting you is never my intention,
it is never the ‘last thing i would do’ ,
as what some lovers might say.

but on top all, my love,
i swear,
i swear,
i swear,
this heart has always loved you.

she ripped her heart out,
and put it on his silver platter,
all that he said was
thank you.

why is it so hard to tell the truth?
they are just alphabets,
combined together.
words,
same as lies.
So,
why is it so hard to tell the truth?

his eyes are so tired,
i wish i was more transparent
about my emotions,
so that i can tell him-

go get a rest,
let me pick them up.

file a complaint to your boss,
tell him you’ve been here forever,
you deserve much more credit.

money’s not a problem,
a good life is not measured by it,
so don’t worry.

show her your love,
hug her more,
shower her with compliments.

it’s okay,
do not feel too bad,
some people deserve to be where they are.

it’s okay,
you feel things,
it’s okay.

as a kid,
i didnt think you were the best,
but that’s in the past now.

so,
set your worries free,
go get a rest,
you look tired.

i noticed i loved you too much -
i abandoned those who deserved it well
but saw you,
i did.

i noticed my love for you was too much,
it consumed all of me.

i noticed i loved
but not them
you.

i know i am probably being overly dramatic but can you blame this needy and curious heart? probably. but today, i really wished we were nearer to each other. i wished we grew up together. i wished i knew you before you figured out about it all. i wished i was there to witness the moment you learned who you were going to be. i wished we were nearer because i want to be with you right now. i crave your presence like you have been here the whole time. spaces between us is nothing but torture. the absence of you leave me in torment. It truly is pathetic, really. you don’t even know a single thing about me. meanwhile me? i am dying to know every single **** thing about you if i were or if i were not given the chance to learn about it. i wish we were nearer because maybe it’d mean that the process of growing up and having to express what i truly feel won’t be this hard. maybe you’ll be the first person to ever call me beautiful or  the first person to ever be willing to hold my hand or tell all your secrets to or kiss me goodbye when you don’t really want to go. i wish we were nearer. as near as you are in my deserted heart. but you are as far as you are in my eyes. it’s such a sad story. the fact my truest form of love to ever be born belong to someone i can never, and i dont think i will ever, express it to. it’s 2:20 am and it is raining. i would like to think that even the sky is weeping over this non-fiction piece of heart-to-heart note but maybe it is the sky crying because i have developed this much affection for you. i wish you were never here. i wish i had learned it the other way around. i wish you weren’t the one i was dying for. i wish you weren’t the girl i had fallen deeply in love with.

too many emotions,
this life is driving her crazy,
i know.

she is probably holding back the tears,
but smiles nevertheless
when somebody makes a joke.

she smokes.
well, occasionally.
she doesn’t know i know,
can’t lie,
i hate it,
but maybe it calms her down,
so i try to let it go.

i know she’s in pain,
and she probably hates the guy she’s married to,
and the kids that they have together,
but that’s just my assumptions.

i feel like i know her
like i know the back of my hands,
but really,
who does?

a being,
too complex to be understood,
a soul,
that deserves to be showered with love and appreciation everyday,
a mother,
a wife,
a human,
that deserves a better life.

and as if I couldn’t get any dumber,
it was your face,
that I think about,
when the subject of love and affection came.

I can’t remember,
the day you held my hand,
at the parking lot,
did a lot and we tried to stop,
was i distracted by the heavy rain,
or was it your presence?
overwhelmed,
panicked,
scared,
so i pulled my hand,
when really,
it was what i was dying for.

anger brought me here.
found someone who looked like satisfaction,
but ended up walking with confusion.
always thought i was gonna meet happiness,
but got home with jealousy instead.
a question?
was it love or just an illusion?

it’s written in your eyes,
you knew i wasn’t enough,
hell,
we knew i wasn’t enough,
but why did you stay?

i cant be in this room like this ;
alone, i mean.
Because all i could think about is you.
How it’s like to lay here with you. And stare at your eyes. fingers intertwined and in between those actions, play with your curly hair and draw a map on your shoulder or face while you tell me about your dreams and i tell you mine. Or, we could just be there, and do nothing. Just our breathes filling in the space.

come back, please.
i miss you so much.
and i miss the me around you.
I love her.
Just,
Please?

i know people say you won’t remember exactly what happened, but you will remember how it makes you feel like.

And i don’t like that.

I hate that I won’t remember it because i want to.

Because i want to remember how you make me so happy that i forgot life is short.

I
   Couldn’t
Exactly tell you
         How i feel
Whenever we are in the same room.

It’s not always lust when it comes to her.
It’s how she’ll look at me.
It’s how she’ll laugh at my silly jokes.
It’s how she’ll be doing random little things that’ll make me swoon.

It’ll be how soft her lips are,
Or,
How it feels like when our fingers intertwined.

Or,
Simple things such as getting to touch fer face,
Getting to comb her hair,
And
Drawing circles on her shoulder,

But,
Most importantly,
Hearing
“i was looking for you” from her,
Hearing
“i’m so proud of you” from her,
Hearing
“i miss you” from her,
And
“I love you” without having her to say it because i know she does.

you hurt me.

I loved you and you hurt me.
You hurt me
You hurt
Me.

and i stared at my hands and asked myself if these were capable of violence too.

a-n-j-e-l-i-k-a

anjelika.

that was her name.

i looked at you,
and

it didn't feel right.

i hate it.

i guess after all,
i don't really know
what love is.

after all the tears,
after all the heartbreaks,
after all the smiles that hurt my cheeks,
after multiple times where my heart skipped a beat,
after all the excitement and butterflies that i felt in my stomach,

maybe,

it was all love,
but not enough for me to understand it,

maybe,
i didn't learn it right,

or,

maybe,
you taught me wrong.

i am petrified that all of my thoughts,
they all look like you.