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Ashley Etienne Apr 2015
It’s that moment when you realize he didn’t really love you and he DIDN’T actually want to be with you when you say to yourself he only "loved ” you out of pity, because in reality he was in love with someone else and now everything that crosses your path somehow reminds you of him and your wrists are stained permanently because you thought it would be the only way to get rid of him without hurting anyone important but instead those memory filled scars only remind you of him because he is the reason behind them after all, but you blame yourself, because these days everything is simply your fault and you sit here and question yourself "where did I go wrong , what should I have changed to make my life more bearable” and you cry because you miss it but you don’t know what part of it you miss you cry because you think you ****** up and you cry because when you cry there’s a million and one things to cry about and you hear"oh wow you guys would be an amazing couple" and you try not to cry because you’re scared he will be disgusted by the thought of you, and you try not to cry mostly because there are people around ….you try not to cry because you don’t want anyone to know you’re broken…but you’ve failed already…you’re not even thinking silently anymore you’re screaming it for the whole world to hear. …
God what is wrong with me
Ashley Etienne Apr 2015
It was the summer of 2014.
We were dating.
And every day we were together I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and wonder why you wanted me
And the day you broke up
With me i woke up at looked at myself again
And I saw nothing
There was only a shadow of what I thought I was
I looked and looked and looked and I still couldn't find who I was before you ruined me
I'm praying that one day I will wake up and find myself
The person I used to be before the wreckage
Ashley Etienne Apr 2015
for someone who wants to die i am pretty terrified that death is surrounding me
Updated: this is called anxiety and depression
Ashley Etienne Mar 2015
just one cut but it wont count
two shots to keep my lunch down
a couple pills and i hope i drown
Ashley Etienne Feb 2015
This is not to say that i don't still look at peoples wrists or that i finally know why i'm here
its not to say that i like that you have scars on your wrists but that i find comfort in knowing that you won't judge me because you understand what it feels like to be attacked by your thoughts and have them wreak havoc on parts of you that only come out when the moon does and how sometimes you lie to your friends because you know they care but you tell yourself they don't
because it makes you feel better without feeling too good
in the sense that you know sadness is an addictive trait and you know better than to let it consume you but you let it anyway because it makes you feel more human
and this is to say i know that you wont judge me when i say even after all the warmth i still prefer the rain over the sunlight.
sometimes i get sad
Ashley Etienne Jan 2015
tumbling
        tumbling
               tumbling

so far for so long, it feels like death will be soon to come.
       but my mind set has made me forget that
                 falling doesn't mean you're falling down the wrong path.
Ashley Etienne Dec 2014
there is so much tar in my life
I’ve been trying to fill myself with crystals
but all I’m getting is volcanic rock
slowly melting my every good intention
i remember when i told you  
that id die if i every treated anyone
the way you treated me
maybe thats why I’m dead inside
i treated myself the way you treated me
i lied to myself
i pretended to love what I’ve become
i pretended to not want someone else
and where has that gotten me?
nowhere
nowhere at all
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