Tell me,

When you look at me
Do you still see the man
That you once loved?

Do you see your husband?

Because when I look at you
I swear it’s like looking at a stranger
And then looking at every mistake
I ever made.

Your pipe’s been keeping me company.
The one that fell out of your pocket.
A long churchwarden, with a sleek, curved stem,
It fills me with warmth again.

If you haven’t noticed
I still feel the pain
And the fruit of the lotus
Can’t bring me around

But I won’t let you down.
No. I won’t.
I swear I won’t let you down.

I’m on my way home
But I’m lost out at sea
I meant to be back
Months ago.
At least that’s what
I tell myself.

A sailor like me
Knows the stars
Like the back of his hand,
But I know, for me
Yeah, A sailor like me
Knows the stars
Like I knew your scars.

And *******
I knew you so well.
Tell me,
Who knew you so well.
Yeah tell me,
Did he know you so well?

What was it like,
Holding my heart in your fingers?

Was it warm?
Was it cold?

Did you notice the way it would skip a beat
Every time I saw you?
Do you feel it still?

Is it still there?

Children, forgive me
I did not mean to take away
The man you grew up calling father.
I know what it’s like to lose a Captain.
But don’t you know,
This man killed your father
Years ago.

I was just returning the favor.

We stopped in Mexico
I had a glass of tequila
The taste didn’t leave my mouth
For six long weeks
So I’m wondering how much longer
I’ll have to cover the taste
That you left there.

I apologize for my absence
But I hope you know

That though time passes

I’m still here.

Silently, night falls.
The hour of darkness
Is upon us all.
Standing on towers tall
You wield vengeance
Like a sword
Trying your hardest
To bring back the light.

But no matter the hand
That holds the blade
Vengeance breeds only darkness.

I’ve been writing words
Alone, in the early hours
Of the morn.
But every time I do
They always just turn
Into letters to you,

And I,

I know I made mistakes
But you know we all do.

I think you misunderstand.
It’s not that I do not respect the earth.
I just prefer a watery death
Than one that follows with a hearse.

I can see you
Trembling with fear.
But you’re not even close
To the tempest you revere
Or did revere.

Is this not what you expected?

The sea has it’s own furious ways,
Of making you realize your mistakes.

Honesty never fit you.
Not like that dark dress of deception does.
Oh, Deceiver,
What I’d give to be deceived again.

I knew of men
Who spoke of ghosts
And magic in the air.

I’ve watched wanderers
And beggars
And rich folk all alike
Those who claim
That by their hand
Magic will ignite.

But the only magic
I’ve ever seen
Is the magic I’ve made myself

The only magic
I’ve ever known
Was to love all I could
Without an ounce of spite.

I can’t close my eyes
They’ve got that sleepless sting.

But leaving them open is almost worse.

I found your pipe tonight,
Searching for my lost words.
It fell out of your coat pocket,
I remember watching you pack the tobacco in
Just moments before you left us all.

I hope you know what you did for me.
Taking me in.
Giving me a home on your ship.

I hope you know how grateful I was
That you sat out here,
Packing your pipe
As I broke down and cried

And I still remember
How you put your hand on my shoulder
And cried with me.

Oh those long nights,
Spent with the wind in our face
And the sun hiding from us
I remember the laughs that we shared
I remember the wisdom that you gave me.
I remember how on those nights
Where the pain was too much
I tried to hide my face
For I was ashamed to feel.

I was supposed to be better.

Wasn’t that the point of this?

At least that’s how I felt,
When I had you to lean back on.
When I had my captain at my side.

Filling my head with how to be wise.
But you’re not here anymore.
Your voice is fading from my mind.

I was supposed to start feeling okay, soon.
I was supposed to let go of you.
Wasn’t that the point of this?

Or did I have much more sinister plans?

I’ve got a choice
I can either spend my life
On my ship, out at sea.

Or I can come back
And spend an eternal winter
Trying to live without you.

I always knew
We’d be fine
When we’d scream
And we’d fight

And if that’s the case
What am I doing out here
Sailing as far away as I can


From you?

And the glass in the window frame
Starts to shake
Violently
Letting the sound of the storm
That was forming in the darkened sky
Be known
All but silently.
I tried to leave
But by then it was too late.
Your beauty: The lightning,
Your gaze: The thunder that follows.
I fell in love with a storm.
And it tore me apart.

The room was dark,
And the air,
You could feel it,
You could feel it pushing down
On your soul.

But you,
You were burning bright.
A red-hot soul.
It went so well,
With your wet, blue eyes.

My hands rested on your hips
And I looked as deep as I could
Into those stormy blue eyes,
To see if I could see the truth.

I blinked,

And now my hands are resting on this ship
And I looked as deep as I could
Into the stormy blue ocean
To see if I could find you.


To see if I could be as empty as you.

Puffs of smoke
Escape my lips
And disappear
Into the night

The waves crash
Against the ship
I ran to
When I left you,
My wife.

Tell me, darling,

Are you the goddess of the ocean?
Are you the goddess of the sea?

I’m sailing on your waters.

I’m trying to be free.

It’s been eight years since I’ve been home.
I’ve made myself a demon

So I couldn’t come back

But now there’s no good left
To stop the attack.

Haunt me for years
I couldn’t care less
At least the old you
Wanted what was best.

Or at least you were better
At lying through your teeth
Than I am
At handling the grief.

I know that I’m not done
Sailing on the ocean blue.
I know that I’m not done
Killing myself for you.

Our voyage brought us
To an island
That our maps didn’t show.

I stepped off the ship
And I saw your face
Among the merchants
And the public

I felt the rage

Boiling beneath my skin

And I tried to hold my tongue
And realized it wasn’t you
And I realized I still loved you.
And I realized I wasn’t ready.

I replay that moment
Every night in my head
Try and find out
Where it all went wrong

But why?

I remember you staring off the balcony
Looking out at the ocean
And I’d tell you
Someday we’d sail the seven seas together

I remember each morning
We’d share that cup of coffee
And I’d roll tobacco
And tell another joke
And you would smile
And tell me you loved me
In your own little way.

In a way that no one else had done
And you had me fooled.
I believed you actually meant it.
You may have meant it then,
But you didn’t always mean it.

And I held you close.
Asked you if you loved me or him.
And you said me.
And you fooled me again.

I told you I loved you.

I meant it then,
And I will always mean it.

Remember that,

The next time you see me.

I’ve been thinking about death a lot.
Particularly suicide,
And I don’t want you to think it’s in that dark drab way;
It’s not.


It’s much more romantic than that.
Yes, I’ve been seducing death.
Or rather, she’s been seducing me.


How much easier it’d be
If I jumped in the water
Held my head under
And tried to breathe.


That liberating moment
When the water fills my lungs


And I don’t have to be confined
To this life of songs sung
To gods of death.
Whose followers wear death on chains
That the dangle around their neck.



I don’t want to be confined
To this life, where those whose piety is determined
By how loud they can tell you
How awful you are.



I don’t want to be confined
To this life of always waiting for what’s coming next
Never experiencing.
Nothing’s ever good enough.



I don’t want to be confined
To this life without you.
And eternity in hell
Is what you condemned me to.



I take solace in the fact
That once my lungs are filled
With that salty ocean brew,
I’ll no longer have to
Think of you.

Today, the ocean is calm.
No waves, no storms.
To shipwreck my heart

I hear the rhythm of the sea
Build me up on a wave
And crash on the beach
And the time between the two
Determines how hard it’ll hurt.

So how did you raise me up so quickly
And make the crash hurt for so long?

I always knew
What a star
You’d eventually
Turn into.

With a face like
Aphrodite’s
And thoughts
Like the moon.

I’ve spent too much time
out at sea, searching for truth
Or love
Or happiness.
Or something like that.

It was so long ago,
I almost can’t remember what I’m searching for.

And I’ll sit on the railing
And wish for the deep
And I’ll jump, while we’re sailing
And oh how I’ll sink.
Straight to the bottom.
Where I swore I would never go.

And I open my eyes,
Looking down at the bottle

It’s empty, it looks like I’ve reached the bottom.

Now I realize, I’ve reached the bottom.

I see the faint glimmer of hope
When I look across the empty blue,
The sky and ocean, meeting in the middle
Like the first time I met you.

Nothing until the horizon,
Where we would figure it all out
Because it didn’t matter in the moment,
It didn’t matter right then.
All that mattered was that we had each other
And nothing could take that away
‘Til it did.

Bought our first house
And I didn’t know why the bricks
Kept falling to the floor
Every time I tried to put them back
Another eight would fall out

I couldn’t see what was happening
As you and your new lover
Pulled the foundation out from under me
And left me drowning.

At this point,
All I really need
Is a decent night’s sleep
Without the bottle
At my side.

When I walk through the door,
Will you recognize me?
Do you remember the way
My beard felt against your cheek?

When I walk through the door,
Will you see the same man?
The one who did everything he could
The one who still loves you.

Because, I know
I’ll still see the same woman.
The one I want to believe has no soul.
The one who took a lion upstairs.

Yeah, I know.
Even though you were lyin’.
I could see, you knew the lion.

Did it feel good,
To take what wasn’t yours?
And you,

Wife,

How did it feel,
To taste the forbidden fruit?

I wish I could say
That I’m sick of writing you
And Captain I’m sorry
It’s you I should’ve listened to.

But if at some point
I can stop writing about you
It’ll be the day that I drown
Under the weight of the ocean
Or the bottle laced with misery.

My eyes are red
And I claim it’s from
The salty waves
Mixed with the rain

But the truth is
I only cry
When it rains.

And it’s been raining
For the past five years

So in summary, my dear,
I still love you.
And possibly even more so
I still hate you.

This house was my heart,
And you pulled out the bricks
As fast as I could put them in.
But I got it done.
I finished the house.
And we slept in the same bed.

And I looked you in the eyes,
And spoke.
“My dear, my love, I’d give you anything”
And you closed your eyes
And drifted away.

Yeah, you drifted away.

And you tried to say, “I’m sorry.”
It didn’t make it all the way out.

My fingers shook,
And when I opened my eyes
I saw, laying before me
The man who was laying with you.

And I looked him in the eyes
And spoke
“Oh, hear me, I didn’t mean to”
So, I closed his eyes.
But he had already drifted away.

Yeah, he had already drifted away.

And I tried to say, “I’m sorry.”
But, it didn’t make it all the way out.

And I threw my **** in the bag
And left you behind
In my crumbling home.
I barely made it out the door.

I turned around, and looked you in the eyes
And whispered
“Goodbye.”
And I dropped the matchstick
And the house burst into flames.

And I tried to say, “I’m sorry.”
But I didn’t make it all the way out.

No, I didn’t make it all the way out.

I always knew
I’d never amount
To half of what you
Thought that I was

Or perhaps
What you thought
That I could be.

I’m a demon,
Lost out at sea.
A devil, whose love
turned to rage, immediately.

And I swear,
You’ll be up in flames
Before this is all over.
You’re the one to blame.

If you could see my soul
The one the writhes
The one that feels like winter
And speaks to those
Lost and Unknown.

Would you try and keep my warm?

Or would you light the flames beneath me?

The dawn does not come
For you, my dear.
The sun shall not rise
Til the devil meets his demise.

And when the ship
Pulled into port
I expected to see your face
But I couldn’t find you

So I searched and found you up the stairs
Sleeping around with someone
I’m supposed to call friend
I wasn’t gone for that long.

And you replaced me.

So now I’ll replace you.


With a cigarette and a gallon

Of gasoline.

I came home early
And saw you in bed
With a man
I’m supposed to call friend
That’s when you murdered me.
That’s the moment
That you killed the good in me
My eyes turned black
And I spoke to God
I screamed
“God, why would you do this
To me?”
And he never replied
So, I never tried to speak
with him again.
He was never really there.

I always knew
I was wrong
Before you knew
That you were right

Can’t you see
You never loved me
Not like you thought
That you did?

I don’t mind being haunted
But did it have to be you?
Your voice, so sweet.

It almost makes me forget
The things you’re saying to me.

It almost makes me forget
Why I tied these cinder blocks to my feet
And jumped into the river.

Oh Captain,
I’ve been sailing
On the course you charted
Days before you were stolen.

Oh Captain,
I’ve been drowning
I’m trying to be strong.
But nothing feels worth it.

Please, come back.

I’d take your place in heaven,
But Lord knows I’d never make it
Past Peter and those Pearly Gates.

If anything, the Devil’s got a place for me
In his fiery home.

But chances are there’s nothing out there,
Past the Sky, Sea, or Land.

That’s why I never hear your voice.

Is he really a good man,
Like I was and hope to be,
Again?
If he is,
I hope he stays that way
And I pray
That you
Don’t turn him
Into me.

I’d die again
To see your face
And that’s the point
That I’ve been trying to prove
It’s the only reason
I’ve been killing myself
Out here on the Devil Blue

Night fell on my shoulders
And my fellow man
Took turns taking rests
Deep within the ship.

And for the first night in weeks,
I stood at the front of the ship.
Your pipe in my pocket,
My writings in my coat.

I reminisce of the days
Where it was just me and you,
My Captain.

I’d roll a cigarette with old tobacco
And you’d pack your pipe.
And pour me a glass,
Of the alcohol you kept in your cabin.

I’d tell you my stories,
And you’d laugh and cry with me.

And every time you spoke
Wisdom poured out.

And now that you’re gone
I’m losing myself out here.

No wisdom comes from my mouth,
I salivate anger,
I spit rage,
Yet I am silent.

I cannot fill your shoes.
I cannot be you.