its weird. i never thought id miss it.

the feeling of your lips on mine, the feeling of skin against skin against the cold concrete floor

i never thought id miss the sound of your voice calling out to me or the way your eyes never failed to meet mine

id never thought id miss the dirtiness of it all, the hidden marks you left on my skin and the half turned smiles we shared

i knew i would think about our conversations late into the night, our shared geekiness for the same things

but i never thought id miss it.

best friends with benefits. it was only meant to be temporary but i wanted it to last forever. best friends with benefits. almost yours but not quite. best friends with benefits. i never knew where the benefits ended and where self indulgence began.

limitless: in shiny, gold lettering.
limitless: a triumphant celebration of accepting who we are and not conforming to society's expectations.
limitless: a concept created by a single man who now doesn't even exist in our eyes.
limitless: a show that struck a chord within a lot of us. a show that awakened a passion and love for music and this program
limitless: my freshman year summed up in one word.

thanks james.
thanks for thinking of limitless thank you for putting in the work thank you for always remembering percussion and giving us comments thank you for always ******* pushing me into things since the drum set back in middle school
thank you for everything.
i think im ready to let go and accept that you're not the man we thought you were
i think im... trying to let go and accept that people are complex and not just two-sided.
im still heartbroken and shocked and ******* furious at what you did and what you chose. im heartbroken thinking about what your future will be after this.

im so sorry james.
im so sorry that you were such a ******* idiot.
im so sorry that now youre going to court and im sorry your career and future here is ruined.
im so sorry.

i used to think you were logical and cold
yet when i held your hand, it was warm
and when i put my head on your shoulder, you put your head on mine
i used to think you were so quiet and
but i heard you scream next to me as we spun
i thought you were heartless
but you shrugged off your jacket and gloves without a second thought, wrapping me into a bundle.

in another life, we wouldʻve been lovers.
in another life, we wouldnʻt have met.

i never want to go on trips unless youre there. who am i supposed to scream next to and cling onto?
nobody else is half deaf and wont mind. nobody else will grip my hand back on every single ride. nobody else will tie my shoe when i keep on tripping, nobody else will get a matching jacket with me when it costs nearly 200 dollars.
who am i supposed to silently smile with, who am i supposed to laugh with over stupid puns and the packs of cards we both brought?
who am i supposed to text at 2 am, desperately asking for help on a stupid math problem and actually get an answer?

ill miss you and all our awkward fist bumps and hugs.
thanks for being my freshman first semester (and sophomore summer) crush, my kind and intelligent upperclassman, my resident ******* weeb that doesnʻt deserve rights.

youʻll do just fine.

denial
it took me three months to accept the fact that you didn't like me anymore and four more months to accept the fact that you hadn't liked me to begin with. i stood there, foolishly thinking you would hold my hand and smile down at me like you used to.

2. anger
i was furious when i found out. i deleted all our pictures, my poems, your messages, our playlist. i deleted everything and i punched the wall and i cried.

3. bargaining
i asked you to be friends with benefits with me. if not emotionally intimate, at least i could be physically intimate. i begged god for you to be mine. i used all my 11:11 and eyelash wishes on you.

4. depression
i hysterically cried myself to sleep for months on end. it got so bad i had to go to the counselors and my parents got a dog and you got worried and everyone else was terrified i was going to **** myself over you.

5. acceptance
you now have a girlfriend. she's beautiful and radiant and everything i could never be and i.. blocked you. i accepted that you're a beautiful person but we could never be and we're unhealthy for each other. it took too long but i will not let my progress come undone.

painted of moonlight and silver and everything good
you were made to enchant, created for the sole purpose of being beautiful
swimming through the murky water, you were all i could see.

love used to be something reserved for high schoolers and adults, something that my family would say to me but i would never get
i would never understand what it felt like to truly know you love someone, i didn't get why we all said those three words over and over

then i met someone and love was.. them
it was pink and bubbly and id never be able to push it down ever
it was holding hands and sparkly eyes and shared smiles and whispered promises of forever
but all good things must come to end.

love was then something distant and far away
it was something to be pushed down and hidden away, something that was seldom ever felt

i got worse.
i met someone who was also doing worse.
love was then shielding them from all the bad things
it was holding them through a panic attack and sticking by their side no matter who or what they hurt even if it was me
it was trying to put someone together again even if i was broken and it wasn’t pretty at all, it was delicate and brittle and it was hard

oh, how wrong i was!

love is your mother pulling you away from your laptop screen and tucking you in at 2 am when she finds you fell asleep doing your homework again
it’s laughing with your friends about the smallest things and it’s your sister hugging you goodnight everyday; it’s your dog getting excited just to see your dumb face again
it’s the sky painting your favorite color at sunset when it knows you’re watching
it’s the wind blowing behind you when you’re running
and it’s so so so beautiful

our strings tugged and tangled with each other until one day i cut it.

i begged the universe to make me like you
I prayed for someone out there to make me interesting, to make me covered in tiny nicks and filled with cloudy thoughts
i just didnt realize it burned this much.

will i ever be satisfied?
why must i yearn for something never there?
what am i looking for? land that cannot be found?
what am i running towards? a mirage of a finish line?
im lost out at sea, with nothing but my blind ambition to keep me company.
the map leading me there is only half-written with no destination.
does the mass of land even exist? will i find it?
i often feel the destination is the measure of my efforts.
without a product, i havenʻt done anything.
will my hard work amount to nothing all my life?

i only want you
i only want your attention i only want your love !!!!
im selfish i know
thereʻs other people coming to me
saying they care, trying to charm me
but i just want you
but you seem to want everyone but.

im free!
i can finally breathe again i can finally look myself in the mirror again and firmly say that i want to be alive
ive broken the shackles you unknowingly tied around my ankles ive tossed out my old memories of you and i
im free!
i can finally focus on those who care about me, those who make me  happy
i don’t stay up at night, hysterically sobbing over you anymore i don’t even bother looking you in the eye anymore because i couldn’t care less.
im free! im free im free im free

the lights give me a headache-
maybe that’s why im not destined to shine.
my name will never be written in glittering gold because it’ll give me a migraine, will never be announced through thousands of speakers because my ears are sensitive.
perhaps this is why my hands will shake in the cold, because i am not meant to stay on stage alone.
perhaps this is why my feet will trip on nothing, because i wasn’t meant to walk up to the golden pearly gates of glory-
my body rejects any sign of success, fights all attempts at being remembered.
i will never have my name shouted across the world, because it’ll make my throat ache. i will never have my moment of fame, never touch another soul because i don’t like getting my hands *****.
i will never glow like the stars that love me so, that whispered to me in the darkness, will never be painted in the golden light of victory-
all because the lights give me a headache.

i burnt the bridge
but i still desperately want to call out to you

im sorry i got your name involved
im sorry i just wanted some attention
im sorry im sorry im sorry
i regret everything i did and didn’t do with you
i feel so ***** and filthy and i want to pick at my skin until you’re out of my hair, out of my mouth, out of my mind
oh god i miss you so much
i still want to talk about what we used to and laugh like we used to and cry like we used to
you’re the only one that would help if i got like this but now you have someone and i burnt the bridge
i set it on fire and i ran away as far as i could but sometimes i come back and am tempted to rebuild it
but every time, it crumbles.

i stare at a mirror for the fiftieth time tonight yet i still dont recognize the face peering back at me.
my hands are detached from my arms which are detached from my torso which i cant tell is mine anymore
my head is all i know.
but whose desperate eyes are those?
a shaking hand makes its way up, up, up to my hair,
tugs at it experimentally.
a sharp flash of pain.
i can trust my head.
fingertips trace along soft flesh and they make contact with a bruised knee.
when did it get this purple? since when did i bruise so easily?
my body feels more and more foreign by the day.
why must i stay within the confines of these fat legs, these heavy arms, this bulging stomach?
why can i not tell the thickness of my own arm? the shape of my own hips?
why must i be this way?

i had written my last goodbyes a while ago, hidden in my phone. a page of sentimental memories and apologies all ready to be sent when i was gone.
it was a split second decision, if i hadn't had been curious i probably wouldn't have done it. i walked into the bathroom, headphones on, lanyard in hand.

HOW TO TIE A NOOSE
1. your hands shouldnt be shaking. ask a friend for help.
2. you should be able to read this page. dry your eyes.
3. you should have a rope. an id lanyard won't work.

i tried for 30 minutes, shakily trying to tie a noose with my lanyard, hiding from strangers walking in and trying so desperately to just...
stop.

spoiler alert: it didn't work. i wasn't even close. i tried to choke myself with my own two hands, but it didn't work either. i ended up walking out of the bathroom cold and alone and terrified.

another spoiler: if you ask for help, you will receive it. i texted my friend asking him if he could tie it for me and he ended up talking me out of it.

the last spoiler: one day it ends. you won't suffer, you won't feel the pain that seems to eat up at your insides and banish you of all good feeling. one day, you'll be drinking a cup of orange juice and laughing with your friends and smiling up at the sun again and everything will feel okay.

what happens if i scream my name as loud as i can from the rooftops, i plaster it on every wall, i paint it onto the inside of everyone’s eyelids?
will that be enough? will i be remembered?
i have nothing to give- no pennies, no bundles of clothes, no tiny pieces of knowledge.
once i go to sleep, i don’t ever wake up. once i wake up, i don’t go to sleep.
my name is all i have, six words of complete and utter *******.
six words that’ll make you taste the words shoved down my throat, feel the sweat from sprinting from day to day-
my name. it’s all i have.

we were so young, and so so so stupid.
we were so naive, so willing to throw away everything to be happy just to be with each other.
we were bright pink, we were stuck in the golden glow of a honeymoon phase that seemed to last forever.
do i regret it? no.
you were the first person i wanted to make happy, first person who's laughter filled me with warmth and made me feel like i was soaring through the sky!
but were so young and so so so stupid, and we broke.

next, you were so warm.
you were so warm and accepting in a world that i was convinced was out to get me.
you would hold my hand, comfort me through the harsh winter but i could never do the same.
i was so fragile, ready to break at any given moment, but you were so patient.
you were willing to wait for me, you were so kind that at some point i stopped. guilt overtook me and i wanted to get away from you.
it was so unfair to you, the way we went. we could've been high school sweethearts, best friends turned into lovers.
we didn't even last a month.

third, you.
i gradually fell for you. i didn't realize it until you said you liked her and i felt.. oddly jealous
you were a summer fling. you were someone i could tease and laugh with, you were someone that made me feel light again.
we had so much chemistry, so much potential!
you trusted me, but at the same time- you didn't. you wanted to have the upper hand, you wanted to be superior, in a way.
we never talked ever, and we didn't even text much.
im sorry i ended us the way i did. you didn't completely deserve it.
(part of me still wants to make you the villain, to paint you as the bad guy who manipulated me, who laughed in my face. part of me knows it was most likely just a misunderstanding.)
i hope you learned from us.

and... you.
from the moment i met you, i was ******.
cliche? oh, totally.
you were so kind to me from the moment our hands touched, i was so charmed by you.
by your intelligence, by your looks, by your humor. i was gone.
but you only had eyes for the graceful, petite dandelion girl with long brown hair.
you were so enchanted by her that i didn't dare try and make a move, i didn't bother saying a single word to you.
i saw you looking at me once. my heart nearly stopped when our eyes met.
we were a missed opportunity, almost there but not quite. god, if only i had said something.
now, i still pine for you as you hold hands with another glass statue girl- delicate, beautiful, admired by many.
i wonder if you'll ever look at me again.

it's kind of funny because for how much you love writing
and for how much i like to spill my emotions all over a keyboard before they make their way out of my mouth,
i never really wrote anything about you.

the world played a pretty **** cruel trick on me when it decided i'd want you, i think.
it knew it'd never happen.
i knew it'd never happen.
everyone else knew it'd never happen.
but **** can a girl dream!

id daydream about how one day, maybe, just maybe, you'd tuck the hair behind my ear and smile at me
or how maybe one day i'd trace your collarbones with my lips as we tried not to make any noise
or even about how we'd wear matching shirts and walk around holding hands together.  

sometimes i really thought it could happen.
you'd do certain things, say words that i thought could mean something else, hug me for what i thought was a little longer than you did anyone else.
i was wrong.
you were just my favorite and i thought i was yours.
i should've known that your heart's too big to bother with that kind of *******.

i hope you don't know.
i want to keep this one hidden from you.
this'll be the only thing, i swear.  
maybe i'll let it out one day as a joke, when you're a bit better and im able to talk to you like i used to again.

sorry for distancing myself.
sorry for being extremely selfish always.
i hope you can find room in your enormous heart to forgive me for what ive done.
i hope that one day i won't feel filthy talking to you or touching you or even looking at you.
i know it was wrong.
im sorry.

you.
you, with your stupidly light eyes
you, with your long hair.
you, with the kind voice and long legs.
you.

when we first met, it surprised me so much. we got along so well. we clicked so fast. i thought it was meant to be.
i think i might fall in love, i thought to myself.

turns out that was a lie.
turns out you didnʻt want to meet me. you wanted to meet my friend. you wanted to meet my amazing, beautiful, perfect, smart, kind, caring, hard working, best friend.
but you came to me.

you came to me and i wore my heart on my sleeve. you showed me all the parts of you.
soft, tired, loving, gentle.
angry, loud, passionate, competitive.
witty, charming, stupidly clever.
vulnerable, suicidal, sad.
i thought it would go well for once.
over time i became more and more used to your presence. you meant more and more to me over time. i got used to looking for you at assemblies and in the morning when you came off the bus.
you did the exact opposite.
i guess you started to feel the guilt.

you.. hurt me.
you threw me away like i meant nothing to you and i spent months agonizing over what i did wrong, what went wrong, who had managed to catch your eye.
i thought you were mine
you were almost mine
and then, right when i thought that i had finally shaken you off, when i was done being heartbroken
you tell me it was actually for her. you were going to talk to her.
why the **** did you do that.
why did you waste my time? why did you lie to me?? why didnʻt you just talk to her???
i ******* hate that you did that. i ******* DESPISE the fact that you advantage of my love for you.
but.
if the world ended tomorrow, id want to be in your arms.
and if i were to die, the last thing id want to see would be your smile.
and if i were to go deaf, the last thing id want to hear would be your voice and laughter. singing softly to me, over 4 hour long video chats.

i dont know what to do anymore.