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joy Jun 10
i used to think you were logical and cold
yet when i held your hand, it was warm
and when i put my head on your shoulder, you put your head on mine
i used to think you were so quiet and
but i heard you scream next to me as we spun
i thought you were heartless
but you shrugged off your jacket and gloves without a second thought, wrapping me into a bundle.

in another life, we wouldʻve been lovers.
in another life, we wouldnʻt have met.

i never want to go on trips unless youre there. who am i supposed to scream next to and cling onto?
nobody else is half deaf and wont mind. nobody else will grip my hand back on every single ride. nobody else will tie my shoe when i keep on tripping, nobody else will get a matching jacket with me when it costs nearly 200 dollars.
who am i supposed to silently smile with, who am i supposed to laugh with over stupid puns and the packs of cards we both brought?
who am i supposed to text at 2 am, desperately asking for help on a stupid math problem and actually get an answer?

ill miss you and all our awkward fist bumps and hugs.
thanks for being my freshman first semester (and sophomore summer) crush, my kind and intelligent upperclassman, my resident ******* weeb that doesnʻt deserve rights.

youʻll do just fine.
**** you defined half of my freshman year all the way from summer to december. your stupidly small hands and warm jacket made its way into my small heart and its weird not seeing you and your fist bumps here at school :(( i hope u succeed at what you want to do :((
joy Jun 10
will i ever be satisfied?
why must i yearn for something never there?
what am i looking for? land that cannot be found?
what am i running towards? a mirage of a finish line?
im lost out at sea, with nothing but my blind ambition to keep me company.
the map leading me there is only half-written with no destination.
does the mass of land even exist? will i find it?
i often feel the destination is the measure of my efforts.
without a product, i havenʻt done anything.
will my hard work amount to nothing all my life?
i always seem to be longing for more, yet i have no idea what i want to do with my life. its frustrating. some days i dont even know what im yearning for, i just know that i want more.
joy May 27
the lights give me a headache-
maybe that’s why im not destined to shine.
my name will never be written in glittering gold because it’ll give me a migraine, will never be announced through thousands of speakers because my ears are sensitive.
perhaps this is why my hands will shake in the cold, because i am not meant to stay on stage alone.
perhaps this is why my feet will trip on nothing, because i wasn’t meant to walk up to the golden pearly gates of glory-
my body rejects any sign of success, fights all attempts at being remembered.
i will never have my name shouted across the world, because it’ll make my throat ache. i will never have my moment of fame, never touch another soul because i don’t like getting my hands *****.
i will never glow like the stars that love me so, that whispered to me in the darkness, will never be painted in the golden light of victory-
all because the lights give me a headache.
i will never be remembered and that’s ok.
joy May 27
painted of moonlight and silver and everything good
you were made to enchant, created for the sole purpose of being beautiful
swimming through the murky water, you were all i could see.
for a fish i saw once
joy May 27
what happens if i scream my name as loud as i can from the rooftops, i plaster it on every wall, i paint it onto the inside of everyone’s eyelids?
will that be enough? will i be remembered?
i have nothing to give- no pennies, no bundles of clothes, no tiny pieces of knowledge.
once i go to sleep, i don’t ever wake up. once i wake up, i don’t go to sleep.
my name is all i have, six words of complete and utter *******.
six words that’ll make you taste the words shoved down my throat, feel the sweat from sprinting from day to day-
my name. it’s all i have.
joy Mar 6
love used to be something reserved for high schoolers and adults, something that my family would say to me but i would never get
i would never understand what it felt like to truly know you love someone, i didn't get why we all said those three words over and over

then i met someone and love was.. them
it was pink and bubbly and id never be able to push it down ever
it was holding hands and sparkly eyes and shared smiles and whispered promises of forever
but all good things must come to end.

love was then something distant and far away
it was something to be pushed down and hidden away, something that was seldom ever felt

i got worse.
i met someone who was also doing worse.
love was then shielding them from all the bad things
it was holding them through a panic attack and sticking by their side no matter who or what they hurt even if it was me
it was trying to put someone together again even if i was broken and it wasn’t pretty at all, it was delicate and brittle and it was hard

oh, how wrong i was!

love is your mother pulling you away from your laptop screen and tucking you in at 2 am when she finds you fell asleep doing your homework again
it’s laughing with your friends about the smallest things and it’s your sister hugging you goodnight everyday; it’s your dog getting excited just to see your dumb face again
it’s the sky painting your favorite color at sunset when it knows you’re watching
it’s the wind blowing behind you when you’re running
and it’s so so so beautiful
i used 2 think love was a scam but now i think i kind of understand some aspects of it
joy Dec 2018
denial
it took me three months to accept the fact that you didn't like me anymore and four more months to accept the fact that you hadn't liked me to begin with. i stood there, foolishly thinking you would hold my hand and smile down at me like you used to.

2. anger
i was furious when i found out. i deleted all our pictures, my poems, your messages, our playlist. i deleted everything and i punched the wall and i cried.

3. bargaining
i asked you to be friends with benefits with me. if not emotionally intimate, at least i could be physically intimate. i begged god for you to be mine. i used all my 11:11 and eyelash wishes on you.

4. depression
i hysterically cried myself to sleep for months on end. it got so bad i had to go to the counselors and my parents got a dog and you got worried and everyone else was terrified i was going to **** myself over you.

5. acceptance
you now have a girlfriend. she's beautiful and radiant and everything i could never be and i.. blocked you. i accepted that you're a beautiful person but we could never be and we're unhealthy for each other. it took too long but i will not let my progress come undone.
disgusting. i hate myself for ever letting myself love this person. i wish he had never spoken to me that one night. cheers 2 one year of pain
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