what happens if i scream my name as loud as i can from the rooftops, i plaster it on every wall, i paint it onto the inside of everyone’s eyelids?
will that be enough? will i be remembered?
i have nothing to give- no pennies, no bundles of clothes, no tiny pieces of knowledge.
once i go to sleep, i don’t ever wake up. once i wake up, i don’t go to sleep.
my name is all i have, six words of complete and utter *******.
six words that’ll make you taste the words shoved down my throat, feel the sweat from sprinting from day to day-
my name. it’s all i have.

love used to be something reserved for high schoolers and adults, something that my family would say to me but i would never get
i would never understand what it felt like to truly know you love someone, i didn't get why we all said those three words over and over

then i met someone and love was.. them
it was pink and bubbly and id never be able to push it down ever
it was holding hands and sparkly eyes and shared smiles and whispered promises of forever
but all good things must come to end.

love was then something distant and far away
it was something to be pushed down and hidden away, something that was seldom ever felt

i got worse.
i met someone who was also doing worse.
love was then shielding them from all the bad things
it was holding them through a panic attack and sticking by their side no matter who or what they hurt even if it was me
it was trying to put someone together again even if i was broken and it wasn’t pretty at all, it was delicate and brittle and it was hard

oh, how wrong i was!

love is your mother pulling you away from your laptop screen and tucking you in at 2 am when she finds you fell asleep doing your homework again
it’s laughing with your friends about the smallest things and it’s your sister hugging you goodnight everyday; it’s your dog getting excited just to see your dumb face again
it’s the sky painting your favorite color at sunset when it knows you’re watching
it’s the wind blowing behind you when you’re running
and it’s so so so beautiful

denial
it took me three months to accept the fact that you didn't like me anymore and four more months to accept the fact that you hadn't liked me to begin with. i stood there, foolishly thinking you would hold my hand and smile down at me like you used to.

2. anger
i was furious when i found out. i deleted all our pictures, my poems, your messages, our playlist. i deleted everything and i punched the wall and i cried.

3. bargaining
i asked you to be friends with benefits with me. if not emotionally intimate, at least i could be physically intimate. i begged god for you to be mine. i used all my 11:11 and eyelash wishes on you.

4. depression
i hysterically cried myself to sleep for months on end. it got so bad i had to go to the counselors and my parents got a dog and you got worried and everyone else was terrified i was going to **** myself over you.

5. acceptance
you now have a girlfriend. she's beautiful and radiant and everything i could never be and i.. blocked you. i accepted that you're a beautiful person but we could never be and we're unhealthy for each other. it took too long but i will not let my progress come undone.

our strings tugged and tangled with each other until one day i cut it.

i burnt the bridge
but i still desperately want to call out to you

im sorry i got your name involved
im sorry i just wanted some attention
im sorry im sorry im sorry
i regret everything i did and didn’t do with you
i feel so ***** and filthy and i want to pick at my skin until you’re out of my hair, out of my mouth, out of my mind
oh god i miss you so much
i still want to talk about what we used to and laugh like we used to and cry like we used to
you’re the only one that would help if i got like this but now you have someone and i burnt the bridge
i set it on fire and i ran away as far as i could but sometimes i come back and am tempted to rebuild it
but every time, it crumbles.

i had written my last goodbyes a while ago, hidden in my phone. a page of sentimental memories and apologies all ready to be sent when i was gone.
it was a split second decision, if i hadn't had been curious i probably wouldn't have done it. i walked into the bathroom, headphones on, lanyard in hand.

HOW TO TIE A NOOSE
1. your hands shouldnt be shaking. ask a friend for help.
2. you should be able to read this page. dry your eyes.
3. you should have a rope. an id lanyard won't work.

i tried for 30 minutes, shakily trying to tie a noose with my lanyard, hiding from strangers walking in and trying so desperately to just...
stop.

spoiler alert: it didn't work. i wasn't even close. i tried to choke myself with my own two hands, but it didn't work either. i ended up walking out of the bathroom cold and alone and terrified.

another spoiler: if you ask for help, you will receive it. i texted my friend asking him if he could tie it for me and he ended up talking me out of it.

the last spoiler: one day it ends. you won't suffer, you won't feel the pain that seems to eat up at your insides and banish you of all good feeling. one day, you'll be drinking a cup of orange juice and laughing with your friends and smiling up at the sun again and everything will feel okay.

im free!
i can finally breathe again i can finally look myself in the mirror again and firmly say that i want to be alive
ive broken the shackles you unknowingly tied around my ankles ive tossed out my old memories of you and i
im free!
i can finally focus on those who care about me, those who make me  happy
i don’t stay up at night, hysterically sobbing over you anymore i don’t even bother looking you in the eye anymore because i couldn’t care less.
im free! im free im free im free