im free!
i can finally breathe again i can finally look myself in the mirror again and firmly say that i want to be alive
ive broken the shackles you unknowingly tied around my ankles ive tossed out my old memories of you and i
im free!
i can finally focus on those who care about me, those who make me  happy
i don’t stay up at night, hysterically sobbing over you anymore i don’t even bother looking you in the eye anymore because i couldn’t care less.
im free! im free im free im free

its weird. i never thought id miss it.

the feeling of your lips on mine, the feeling of skin against skin against the cold concrete floor

i never thought id miss the sound of your voice calling out to me or the way your eyes never failed to meet mine

id never thought id miss the dirtiness of it all, the hidden marks you left on my skin and the half turned smiles we shared

i knew i would think about our conversations late into the night, our shared geekiness for the same things

but i never thought id miss it.

best friends with benefits. it was only meant to be temporary but i wanted it to last forever. best friends with benefits. almost yours but not quite. best friends with benefits. i never knew where the benefits ended and where self indulgence began.

i begged the universe to make me like you
I prayed for someone out there to make me interesting, to make me covered in tiny nicks and filled with cloudy thoughts
i just didnt realize it burned this much.

i only want you
i only want your attention i only want your love !!!!
im selfish i know
thereʻs other people coming to me
saying they care, trying to charm me
but i just want you
but you seem to want everyone but.

you.
you, with your stupidly light eyes
you, with your long hair.
you, with the kind voice and long legs.
you.

when we first met, it surprised me so much. we got along so well. we clicked so fast. i thought it was meant to be.
i think i might fall in love, i thought to myself.

turns out that was a lie.
turns out you didnʻt want to meet me. you wanted to meet my friend. you wanted to meet my amazing, beautiful, perfect, smart, kind, caring, hard working, best friend.
but you came to me.

you came to me and i wore my heart on my sleeve. you showed me all the parts of you.
soft, tired, loving, gentle.
angry, loud, passionate, competitive.
witty, charming, stupidly clever.
vulnerable, suicidal, sad.
i thought it would go well for once.
over time i became more and more used to your presence. you meant more and more to me over time. i got used to looking for you at assemblies and in the morning when you came off the bus.
you did the exact opposite.
i guess you started to feel the guilt.

you.. hurt me.
you threw me away like i meant nothing to you and i spent months agonizing over what i did wrong, what went wrong, who had managed to catch your eye.
i thought you were mine
you were almost mine
and then, right when i thought that i had finally shaken you off, when i was done being heartbroken
you tell me it was actually for her. you were going to talk to her.
why the **** did you do that.
why did you waste my time? why did you lie to me?? why didnʻt you just talk to her???
i ******* hate that you did that. i ******* DESPISE the fact that you advantage of my love for you.
but.
if the world ended tomorrow, id want to be in your arms.
and if i were to die, the last thing id want to see would be your smile.
and if i were to go deaf, the last thing id want to hear would be your voice and laughter. singing softly to me, over 4 hour long video chats.

i dont know what to do anymore.

limitless: in shiny, gold lettering.
limitless: a triumphant celebration of accepting who we are and not conforming to society's expectations.
limitless: a concept created by a single man who now doesn't even exist in our eyes.
limitless: a show that struck a chord within a lot of us. a show that awakened a passion and love for music and this program
limitless: my freshman year summed up in one word.

thanks james.
thanks for thinking of limitless thank you for putting in the work thank you for always remembering percussion and giving us comments thank you for always ******* pushing me into things since the drum set back in middle school
thank you for everything.
i think im ready to let go and accept that you're not the man we thought you were
i think im... trying to let go and accept that people are complex and not just two-sided.
im still heartbroken and shocked and ******* furious at what you did and what you chose. im heartbroken thinking about what your future will be after this.

im so sorry james.
im so sorry that you were such a ******* idiot.
im so sorry that now youre going to court and im sorry your career and future here is ruined.
im so sorry.

we were so young, and so so so stupid.
we were so naive, so willing to throw away everything to be happy just to be with each other.
we were bright pink, we were stuck in the golden glow of a honeymoon phase that seemed to last forever.
do i regret it? no.
you were the first person i wanted to make happy, first person who's laughter filled me with warmth and made me feel like i was soaring through the sky!
but were so young and so so so stupid, and we broke.

next, you were so warm.
you were so warm and accepting in a world that i was convinced was out to get me.
you would hold my hand, comfort me through the harsh winter but i could never do the same.
i was so fragile, ready to break at any given moment, but you were so patient.
you were willing to wait for me, you were so kind that at some point i stopped. guilt overtook me and i wanted to get away from you.
it was so unfair to you, the way we went. we could've been high school sweethearts, best friends turned into lovers.
we didn't even last a month.

third, you.
i gradually fell for you. i didn't realize it until you said you liked her and i felt.. oddly jealous
you were a summer fling. you were someone i could tease and laugh with, you were someone that made me feel light again.
we had so much chemistry, so much potential!
you trusted me, but at the same time- you didn't. you wanted to have the upper hand, you wanted to be superior, in a way.
we never talked ever, and we didn't even text much.
im sorry i ended us the way i did. you didn't completely deserve it.
(part of me still wants to make you the villain, to paint you as the bad guy who manipulated me, who laughed in my face. part of me knows it was most likely just a misunderstanding.)
i hope you learned from us.

and... you.
from the moment i met you, i was ******.
cliche? oh, totally.
you were so kind to me from the moment our hands touched, i was so charmed by you.
by your intelligence, by your looks, by your humor. i was gone.
but you only had eyes for the graceful, petite dandelion girl with long brown hair.
you were so enchanted by her that i didn't dare try and make a move, i didn't bother saying a single word to you.
i saw you looking at me once. my heart nearly stopped when our eyes met.
we were a missed opportunity, almost there but not quite. god, if only i had said something.
now, i still pine for you as you hold hands with another glass statue girl- delicate, beautiful, admired by many.
i wonder if you'll ever look at me again.