the rain beats down
and makes my hands sting
down to the center of my proximal phalange
creating incisions under my fingernails
so they form a pool of lavender and ashy blue
and the cold does not help
droplets will hit the ground and freeze
cutting down into my hallux
making my steps just as icy as my voice
and when the sun starts to run off
it leaves me alone with darkness
i cannot see
i hit walls
my head
and my knuckles
until i tumble down
and down
like a droplet
into the center of my proximal phalange
but this time
i dont feel a thing

the cold air blows past me
as i knock over
land on my knuckles
and i start to bleed
while the ice intrudes on my bloodstream
im freezing
and so is time

i miss the spring

i know you said that piano was the best thing you could do
but i also know that you could never play out the kind of disruptive symphony
that you have with this lie of a relationship
you played me through and through like the first song you wrote;
practice, practice, practice
then crumple me up and throw me out
because i wasnt good enough

you kissed his ***
and said you loved me
square in the face you slapped me
and elaborated on the details of his hair and how it smelt
you tore at my ears
you said dont pierce them
and barked on about how you loved his nose ring
you called his glasses adorable
yet you molded mine into contacts
your hands sauntered through the little hair i had
i vowed i wouldnt grow it out like i wanted
of course thats when you talked about his mane
i remember once i formed a zit in the center of my forehead
i have a good feeling it was from the stress you gave me
from all those nights you took my love and hung it to freeze in the cold wind
you gagged at it, said it disgusted you
but you said his acne was cute
i could pin myself up in so many different ways
but honestly
i dont think ill ever be pretty for you

my back is so sore
from dragging along my burdened lungs
i pant and wheeze
doing all i can to release
all the weight i can
but nothing ever seems
to work
my lungs tie themselves down
forgetting the chains they have on my blood
so for each step
that my foot drops down
each step
that i nearly drop these lungs
let them sink
and go
i nearly drop myself
and drown

theres so much similarity
between when we cry
to when we ****

no emotion
when i shove my hand down your pants
and yours in my hair
just pleasure

but its the thought
the remembering

of a first kiss
first hit

a hold on my neck
teeth to yours

a first date
a blushing glance

your hands down my pants
i kiss at your jaw

a sunrise together
an i love you or two

you throw your head back
i dive in

it brings tears to my eyes

my body compresses

maybe because
when we ****
i feel more pleasure
than i ever have in my whole life

id rather cry after *******
than think about it after feeling.

the grass is wet
is it from between her thighs
or under my eyes
either way
from both streams of beauty
i am not strong against these currents

The whole thing
about ***
Sophia said

is that it's so
liberating
it takes one
on a journey
of discovery
about oneself
and another

I watched her
brushing her hair
she was still in
her dressing gown

I sat on her bed
waiting for her
to get ready
to go out
after the ***
and her shower

I guess so
I said

light from a window
lit her up
with sunlight

she smelt
of bath oils

I had bathed after her
and I was dressed
and ready

the opening up
the release
of part of one
she said
the joining
with another

a Beethoven sonata
was playing
from her Hi-Fi

I liked it
it opened up
areas inside my head
mood changed me

of course animals
have *** more often
and they don't analyse
about it
I said

ah but we're
not animals
she said
least not all
there is that
part of us
which allows us
to analyse even
a good ****
she said

the word hung
in the air above
her head
like some
dark bird of fate

I gazed at her
brushing her hair
there her hand
and brush
her hair

I wanted
to have her
once more
or get out of there.