why is it
that when i see you
with someone else
it doesn't hurt as much
as i know it should

but when i'm near you
i act like that
really clingy glue
the one that always
leaves your hand raw
from trying to scrub it off?

i don't want to be
the squid that sticks to you
but i want you to want me
as cliche as that is

i want your perfection
which is impossible
to want me
but we all know that
the perfect people
never love the imperfect
they find other perfect
beautiful
smart and nice people
to love
because their love is better
because their love is more
because their love will last forever

what cliche *******
you don't know
that i have no feelings
so these palpatations
these incessant thump thomps
of my heart?
are all new territory for me

apparently its all a map of unexplored sadness
and the compass points north to you

you're like a map
full of longitudinals that tell me
where to go when i need a somewhere
to lie down after a long day
full of latitudinals that allow me
to hug you and dig
into the comfort of your chest
right above where your heart beats
a steady thump-thump-thump
can't you hear it?
i hope you can't
because my heart
cannot function normally around you.

your heart is the 0,0 of the map
and your eyes are the compass
telling me where to go,
showing me how you feel
and all the little cracks within your self
the map outlines the constellations of your face
and the small islands of all your interests,
the mountains of every muscle on you,
outlined plane by solid plane.

You are a whole,
detailed and delicate
map.

I am the tectonic plates
underneath the earth
that is you.
i shift,
destroy
quake.

i am just
one fault line
after another.

one day
i will creak and crash
in the process,
i will destroy you.

*– s.m.

you once asked me why?
why did fate bring us together?
was it luck?
or was it us being useless in coming together ourselves?

fate is something i've never believed in much
it seemed like a fake construct that society had created
in order to convince people that everything happens for a reason,
just a way for us pretend that horrible things have a purpose.

but when i met you, i began to think that things like this happen
and they make me think its possible,
fate might possibly be real.

fate didn't make me love you,
but it made me realize that i could love you
that getting hurt was worth the pain.

you then asked me
why would fate bring us together,
only to throw us apart again?
and that is a hard question to answer...
fate has its reasons.

it all happens because those experiences
they change who we are
and who we will be.
i'd rather be broken now because we aren't together
than not have any of the memories i have now.

i'd rather remember the first time you whispered "i love you"
so softly in my ear while i smiled
and felt your heart beat horribly out of control.
i felt the ba-dum speed up under the palm of my hand
and i can't help but feel like this was meant to be.

but nothing lasts forever
like this, it won't last forever
its here for now but it won't be here tomorrow.

i don't even need you to be here tomorrow
i will always have that first "i love you",
i will always have the freckles on your face
imprinted in my mind,
i will always have that smile
and that shine in your eyes
frozen forever in my dreams.

i'll always have you even if i won't actually have you
i don't need you physically there
but i do want you there.

fate is kind
but fate is also cruel.

should i thank it?
should i hate it?
for now i think i'll just enjoy today...

regret
i know the word all too well
after all i've done to you.

i know it within the concaves and crevices of my heart
with every stream of pulsing blood,
the regret goes round and round my body
consuming me.

it reaches every nerve,
exploding like fireworks and an all raging flame,
whenever you're near.

just to remind me of the pain i have caused

i wish i could gather the courage
not even to explain
but to say sorry
for being the horrible, selfish and cowardly person i am
because i know explanations would just sound like excuses.

*–– s.m.

if only i could touch
those sweet supple lips
just once more.

if only i could hear
that calm soothing voice
rush through my ears

if only i could look
into the galaxy
of your eyes
just to escape for a while

if only i could smile
just once again
because you said something
so silly yet again.

but none of it
will ever again occur

you're gone
into a galaxy
that i cannot reach so easily.

*s.m.

I thought I knew,
But I was wrong,
I didn't know,
Not really.

I grasped at the concept,
That you and I,
Created a whole.

Sometimes it was overflowing,
Other times I felt alone,
And less than half of a half.

I still don't know,
I probably never will.

All I do know,
Is that I don't have you.

*s.m.

i'm jealous
of the eyes
that get to wake up
next to you

they get to see
your peaceful face
connect the freckles
on your cheeks
like constellations

lightly brushing
their finger
creating a new sky
on your face

they get to inhale
your sweet scent
and feel right at home

they get to hear
your rough gravely
morning voice
whisper 'hi'

all i have
are the memories
and the empty side
on my bed
where you should be

all i do
is lie here
and wait for you
hoping
that one morning
that will be me again

*s.m