You were the only person I would ever want to be with.
You have wiped out all the memories in my head.
I feel empty.
You have given me hope and meaning,
And taken it away in a moments pause,
Replaced it with distrust and anxiety.
I am left with only my eyes, hollowed out and dark,
Distanced from you for eternity.
I will miss you forever.
If you came back and told me you still cared I would jump into your arms.
Because if you haven't realized I have nothing to live for.
I am a white blank slate in a crowd of translucent multi-colored slates.
I am the girl with the empty face in an arena of smiles and grins.
I am so far away from everything I feel like a walking corpse.
If you hate me I don't blame you, I hate myself most of the time when I look in the mirror.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
I am the nothing you once kissed, held, and told "I love you." to under soft white sheets.
I wonder sometimes if I could fly back into that moment in time as I slept, just to feel your arms around me, your eyes looking into mine with such intensity I could hardly breathe correctly.
If only I could just breathe like that once more,
Instead of not wanting to breathe at all.

The rain is me
And all that I have become
I’m not sun ray
I’m not a piece of you
I’m just a drop of rain
And I miss you still all of the same
I miss the sun in your eyes
And the indent of your smile
And the drop of your tear
And I miss… the way you said my name
Pointedly I can’t say it to anyone else besides you
You’re a pigment of my sleep
And I don’t breathe anymore
If you hear these words please don’t try and believe…
I know you so well
Even if you don’t know me

The air is you
Everything I see
The soil I walk on is your hands
Holding me to ground,
Making me feel alive
The whole world is your voice
The softness of your vocal chords
Keeping me sane making me feel like I don’t want to die
And I miss… the way you were so warm to me
So warm to everything in the entire universe
And I don’t understand how that was even possible
It was you
And you were such a golden person… glowing in your glory
Everything was your heart

I look at the mirror.
I look at the sky.
Sleeping on the solid ground, wondering how I’m still alive.
I find the easiest ways to hold back how I feel.
I’m usually not feeling real.

My life is a disease, my pain is evident
In every word I read, I’m sighing at their happiness.
And when I bleed, I only bleed regret.
And when I sleep, I sleep for days.

Things are different now than they were yesterday,
But I still think of you in every word I say.
I wish you’d just come back and tell me what you did to me was wrong,
I’m feel so gone.
I feel so completely numb.

When does it end?
When does this rabbit hole I’m falling down descend into something good?
Could this deep wound heal? Could I not be lost?
I just want to feel whole… I just want to feel.

The cuts… the sins… I’m standing over my shadow by the sink…
I’m gone, I feel so completely weightless… and I’m alright.
My breath catches as I walk down the hall, she asks if I’m alright and all I do is nod.
I’ve been through hell and I’m not back yet but I’m getting there soon.
I really hope to…
I really hope what you said meant something,
I really hope I get through to you.

I’m falling, I’m calling out but nobody hears my tone of voice.
You’re saying you’ll be there but you’re not here anymore, you’re gone.
And this empty white room, eats me through to the insignificant little core.
And that’s me, I’m not breathing, my heart isn’t beating anymore.

These words… this place… will I ever leave this room?
I’m shooting out every mention of what is happening to me but you don’t listen, do you?
My throat itches and clenches every time I speak, she asks how I’m doing, do you not see the bruises?
Maybe I’ll fall… maybe someday you’ll hear me hit the ground and the sound will reach,
But I really can’t give you what you want from me…
I really hope you hear me…
I really hope you get through to me.

I’m falling, I’m calling out but nobody hears my tone of voice.
You’re saying you’ll be there but you’re not here anymore, you’re gone.
And this empty white room, eats me through to the insignificant little core.
And that’s me, I’m not breathing, my heart isn’t beating anymore.

And the headaches are getting worse because they’re always there.
And I thought maybe this would help but the tears are in my chest and I bleed more and more,
And the demons swell inside myself
Do you feel the hell I’m talking about?
Do you feel it?

I’m falling, I’m calling out but nobody hears my tone of voice.
You’re saying you’ll be there but you’re not here anymore, you’re gone.
And this empty white room, eats me through to the insignificant little core.
And that’s me, I’m not breathing, my heart isn’t beating anymore.

Love isn't real to me, I tried so many times to feel it.
I’m nothing without you.
And I will die, with the realization I can’t sleep tonight.
I just want to hold you and feel your hands in my mine.
I just want to be with you.
The scars on your wrists really don’t define you,
And I’ll kiss them if you want until they disappear from view.
I will tell you you’re wonderful because you really are to me.
I guess I’m too empty, that’s how it will always be.
But I could give you a smile, and I could kiss you.
And I could tell you all the things you’ve never realized.
I could show you how, those other girls never knew you for who you really are,
And I could attempt to **** the suffering.
I could begin with you and me.
Let’s not talk about distance, because it chokes us until we bleed.
I’m finding my way out.
And I will lose my mind, I’m already smoking up all of the insecurity.
I just want to see you.
If you're not alright please tell me why.
Please don’t think I’m crazy, because most people have run away.
They say they understand and then confess I'll never be okay.
I guess I just needed someone to tell me they know me.
I hope that you see inside my skin.
You’ll never know I collapsed, in the end of the night I’d sink, to the floor,
And I’d think of you…
He told me he cared but he left. He said he loved me and he tried too hard.
Somebody held me too tight.
But you had me at “we’re both outside the heart we haven't felt".
Give me a reason to feel it.
Give me a reason to know it's real.
I have missed you so much, I'd never tell you, you wouldn't know.
Nine months felt like nine years to me, your smile absent from my eyes.
You'll never realize...

Was that all you wanted?
It seems like I set myself up again for this to happen.
He seemed so perfect, so plastic, so unrealistic.
A heart of clay, molded to make me feel like it was all alright.
I remember the first time he said my name "you're so beautiful,"
We had talked a dozen times before.
That smile, a project I'd continued just to find out how it worked,
How was he so brilliant at making my stomach collapse?
I wish I didn’t remember.

I don't know what to do, just thinking about him.
And I think about what he's done to me.
I know I'm insane, I'm still so amazed I even tried.
To be with him was something I would never erase.
He was the one thing I knew that would **** me inside.

In this bed I'm losing sleep completely.
Just a little child, not even seventeen, strangled and ripped.
I'm too overemotional.
I’m too attached to things I’ll never get back.
I wish you the very best, the way it's looking, you’ll find somebody better than me,
Who does these things you want.
But I’m uncomfortable, it's too predictable.
I don't even know who I am.

I hope you realize what you’ve done
And you mangled in the end.
I don’t think that I would leave this place,
I mean she’s still here
And the way you lost your fight,
You're running away without your trophy
My eyes don't cry anymore,
I loved you too much.

Goodbye
It hurt, but you know, I’m fine
Your stupid mistake, not mine
You told me too many times, so many lies.
I’m leaving.
Goodbye
You know too well how to make me cry,
Nobody else knows how to shake my mind.
Thinking you're something good.
You’re nothing good.
You’re nothing…

I hope you see that this wasn't real.
The things you said didn't make me want to feel.
I hope you see the blank canvas, and how there’s nothing there.
Nothing to color the paleness of our truth.
You told me things you've told to all the others,
I wish I didn’t sacrifice my heart,
But in the end,
Who gives a ****?

And the things you gave me,
They feel like broken glass now, in my skin.
I can’t trust anyone anymore.
Because you, you don’t care, you never cared, about me.

Goodbye.
Your stupid mistake, not mine.
It hurt, but you know, I’m fine…