We watched the fire
Rain fell
And you remembered the fire
You lived through a dozen years ago

Your experiences pent up,
They don't come out often
But after several drinks
Among people you've begun to trust,
You can tell your stories

We know you're not sure
How you feel about them,
But I can tell you
I'm no fan of cruelty

Beneath your
Uncertain reverence
Of those days,
I think there's anger
At the humiliation you faced

And one layer deeper,
There's hurt
Over the goodness you lost

I hear it in your hesitation
Each time you bring something out
You know it's not quite right,
And I know you're kind inside

Heal, friend
You're worth having around

Your catch phrases don't do ****
Listen to my heart,
Then look me in the eye
And tell me your best one
I'll laugh,
Then I'll cry
I'll break something
And one day I'll die

All the music you loved made my heart ache
The classic rock anthems,
Dead singers with vintage sound
Drew in my mind the parties of old
Days gone by, couples who've passed
Drugs they did,
Ignorance they spewed;
Peace is lovely,
But life is more complicated
Than your small, narrow mind

But I went on
I tried to fall in love
And I succeeded
In poisoning myself without drugs
Poison, your ex's word that stuck in your mind
But my poison wasn't you;
It was falling in love...
With a gentle heart,
A pair of pretty eyes,
Soft skin and soft touch,
A smile and a laugh

No, it was the music you loved
I hated it in my heart
I despised what it glorified
I am too empty,
And too mindful thereof,
For it to fill me

And I will wake up to that truth soon enough
With the music I now love
I'm getting bored already
When I don't have any drugs

I saw you across the way
My breath taken, I could barely approach
Your gaze spoke,
"There's hope yet"
I knew the rules of the game;
I wouldn't take you home that night
You were more than a one-time show
So I held my breath until it was right
We connected, and you were mine
But to my surprise, the hope then died
The search began again
As I left you behind

Do you want to hear the music I'm listening to today?

Would you like to hear how I feel about drugs?

I'll tell you what keeps me awake at night

About my divorce, addiction,
one-night stands, non-
breakups that destroyed me,
and whatever else is tattered inside

You can hear it in my tone:
that I don't like myself
And, sure, I'll tell you with my voice

And your heart will call out for mine

But it can't hear you
And it won't speak to you

I don't like life today,
and tomorrow I won't, either
I rarely bother to write about it anymore

The over and over pounding
—head against head—
Can the nail go in any further?

Maybe.
Maybe if I think some more,
I can find something new in the muck

Or maybe I continue to sift
because the grime is familiar,
and to find something new
would ruin the whole experience

I could go for being ruined

Don't turn me inside out
before you throw me in the dryer
I want you to see my cracks when I'm done

I used to hold your head against my chest
I used to hold you in the highest regard
The pinnacle of creation: the woman
But now I find nothing special about you
My heart may stutter for a moment,
But I'm only being fooled by who I imagine you are
I can never know what goes on in you
I can only guess
Who falls in love with a guess?
I guess wrong
My theories about your mystery
Fall flat on their face,
Crushed by the weight of your actions

I only read out of a sense of longing
It never fulfills
So I read less and less
Of the poets I love
I love less and less
Of the people I know
Of people I knew
Of myself
I hate more
The walls need
to have holes stomped in them
My grammar and structure
Need to go **** themselves
You need to listen
And quit being a *******
And I need to call Papa
He's my favorite man
We haven't talked for months
When he dies,
That's when I'll do the stomping
I'll be more alone
Even though he barely knows me

You know everything there is to know
About how to be right

You've got a chip on your shoulder
Camouflaged by a calm demeanor

Words like "science" provide you with finality
They build a framework to make sense
Of a world that is unexplainable
Your very existence is inexplicable,

So hide hide hide behind your "facts"
And run run run from your fears
While your anger at illogical people
Pushes anyone with a kind heart away

And you remain alone
But at least you've got your facts

Someone spread **** all over your locker,
and I don't care
They're the ones playing with ****
Someone else cleaned it up
So what do you care?

I'm a 21st century man, baby
You've got that intelligence
That personality
That heart I'm looking for
But she...
She's gorgeous
I'll go with her

I'm drunk and I want you
I make a fool of myself,
But I'm thinking about you
Is that so wrong?

It takes everything I have
to write my thoughts
and leave them as they are.
The truth is they're messy,
and my feelings are messier.

The glass jar I drink from
would make for some kind of release
if I threw it at the wall
with the energy I use to write.
And I think about doing so frequently.

Violence against the walls in my house
has become a more pervasive fantasy than ***.
It's been a few weeks since I destroyed my dresser.
I'm not sure the writing provides the same outlet.

When I go home,
I want it to be a place
Where I'll hear Papa say,
Yeah, Spike,
You can hug me as long as you want

I remember you,
Gram-ma
I remember your calm
Even as you grew old,
Even with death in plain view,
You were Gram-ma
Relaxed, steady,
A pleasure to be around

I love you, Gram-ma
And I want a woman
Just like you
To call my own

I see the lightning scatter across the sky,
Electric fingers stretching out,
The perfect display;
Just what I was looking for

And I wonder,
Is there someone in control?
Is it you,
Or me,
Or no one I'd think at all,
Pulling the levers,
Creating this display
with a goal:
To paint feeling
in this heart;
to bring life
to this heart

Someday,
I'll retire where it rains and storms,
and I'll sit out on the back porch
with the girl I love
and watch the lightning strike,
and we'll find out
how powerless we are,
and how beautiful it is to see
the silhouette
of a mountain tree

For now, I'd rather imagine
and write about that day,
even as electricity
lights the sky before me

I long for you, my beauty,
The one who will put
the rest of creation
in its place

Designers illustrate
and put words I don't want to say
Why don't you just create motion
and emotion;
feeling through colors
and shapes,
all unrecognizable,
except inside me

As tears fill the corners of my eyes,
I realize I'm having experiences now
That my girl will never compare to
How could you compete with nostalgia?

Kicking it with my brothers
We partied all night long
Danced
Drank
Just did whatever we wanted
And we're listening to this mix
At home
Nodding our heads
And this is the best dancing
Of the night

What I really do with my time is browse dating sites with zero hope in heart until I see a pretty girl I think I'd get along well with, and then they never respond, or they stop talking for no apparent reason, and I go back to start.

I listen to music and lay on the couch when I should be sleeping. I watch a bunch of **** and ******* for an hour or two. I watch the most emotionally deep tv shows I can find, and sometimes cry.

I crave life, but it's not what I live.
I take life from friends without any to give.

Come over and I'll cuddle up with you and cry. I'll wipe your tears away and let you see mine. If you can hold my gaze, I'll look in your eye, and you in mine.

I can see you, and you are beautiful. You are my favorite thing in this world. I am yours, you are mine, and we'll wonder together if we both belong to someone divine.

If my appearance is hard,
Just keep your distance
If I come across friendly,
Run the **** away

I get your hopes up high,
And then I let you crash
My apology drifts by,
Worthless in the aftermath

You're like the shirt I try on at the store
You fit well, you're pretty nice, good material,
But why did the designer do that one thing?
That's just...weird.
Like really, this would be a great shirt
But now I'm just not sure
If I buy it, will I wear it?
I don't know.

Your fictional lives on display
You're in the chair
They're on the couch
And I'm on mine

You speak to each other
But you're speaking to me

Your wife cheated with her body
But so did you, with your heart
Now you're on the couch
And I'm still on mine
Welcome to the big leagues

when I had you at home,
or even had a chance,
I could go out
and not want anyone
I no longer ask,
where have you gone?
but I would like to know
when the next you will come

I make myself a ***** cranberry
with a splash of water
A few gulps and I realize
I don't really want this
I pour it down the drain,
and I wonder
if someone will tell me
it's some kind of sign of alcoholism
I smoke some **** instead

I wasn't very sad when we got divorced
I felt freedom
We had some real issues,
And I know I wasn't good for you
I don't stop and think about you often
But one thing I should appreciate more
Is that you hurt when I was gone
It caused you pain that I was no longer in your life
In a way, it feels good to be missed,
And I thank you for that

I stop on my way through the kitchen. Something about the floor is appealing. A week ago, a dozen people stood there chattering and drinking. The ones who didn't care for dancing in the basement. Today, the floor is empty. It's well-lit. It's hard. It's a bit *****, but not repulsive. I stand still for half a minute, looking down at it. I want to lay down there. I don't know how I would situate myself, but I want to lay with my chest on the floor. It makes me sad to think of myself there, but it seems just right at the same time. It looks like home. I consider how no one would know. I appear in people's lives every day, and then I disappear into my car and drive off to some abyss from which I'll reappear tomorrow. I wonder how many men have moments like these. I think about family, and how at funerals we talk about what he was like, how kind-hearted, how funny, and how everyone will miss him. But we don't talk about this moment. We don't even know this moment occurred, because it took place in the abyss.

She was five foot five, skinny, soft face
A strange guy hovering about,
But she responded
Palms together as we moved
Hands on waists
But her lips evaded,
Wouldn't look my way
The guy commented,
I like watching you dance,
You're cute
Something was off
But I danced on ahead
The time came
For them to take their leave
He handed me a card
Massage parlor

My sister,
I hear things about you
And I yell into an empty hole
The tears are here to stay
You're just like me
Only on the other end,
The one being hurt
But we grew up together
You were my big sister
We played
You put up with me
We had the same mom and dad
And you got hurt
And I hurt myself
To get away
But why did you do it?
Why did you need these things?
You're my sister
What am I supposed to do with this?
The tears are here to stay

You think the only way to be
is devoid of emotion
even in the face of tragedy,
so long as the tragedy isn't yours

I'm sorry,
I'm just not a ******* like you

I suppose I have to send the first text
I suppose it has to be just right
Right time of day
Sincere, but not serious
Playful, but not juvenile
Smart, but not intimidating
Polite, but not formal
Happy
And then I'll wait

Or how about I just say **** it
It's pointless anyway

Coworkers
Beautiful Asian girl
Guy friends in tow
DJ friend
Unexpected dancer
Molly, no
Dance
Socialize
Chips and dip
Clean up wine mess
Dance, dance, dance
Goodbyes and thanks
Glad you came
Too many drugs
But I had a ball
Please come again
You're welcome, all

You give me those
"I want you" eyes

Pass me by
Several times
No accident of yours
No minding of mine
I ask you your name

You say,
You have to be a good dancer
Or I'm out

I wonder,
Have you been watching me?
If you haven't seen me
Getting down unlike any other
Being respectful
And respected,

Then your desirous eyes
Are ******* blind

You wear concealer,
mascara, blush;
My makeup is
transparent
I'm not comfortable
around any of you;
I'm tightly wound
around the fingers
of the females
who left me
behind

Take deep breaths to get through the day
Inhale, exhale, you’ll be okay

She loves you, she loves you not
Who gives a ****, man
Long as you get play

Toss the heart aside
You can live this way
What’s left is just fun
Consume, rinse and replay.

You know you’re empty
So fill yourself up
Take a drink
Take a bite
She’ll satisfy.
She’s always game.
Who? It doesn’t matter.
“She” is her name.

Be up front
You don’t want anything real
**** love, be cavalier
Just a fling, just for “fun”, just a feel
**** her, dude, make her your *****
Hit the back door if you’ve got the itch
What does it matter, it’s all for fun
She knows it’s over
Before it’s begun

And after the game
You can live with it, man
Feelings? **** feelings.
She clearly wanted it.
You know you wanted it.
Douse your heart with kerosene
And burn it alive.
You don’t need that ****, man.
This is how you survive.

Take deep breaths to get through the day
Inhale, exhale, you'll be okay.

As I kissed her,
I thought of you
With my hand around her neck,
I thought of you
She looked at me and smiled
She was really into me
I gave a smile back,
But I was into you

Whoever chases me in my dream tonight,
I will stop and ask him why

I never realized until now,
The reason I can't find my love
is that I'm looking for it
in a woman
But it's you,
my brother,
who never had
a chance to live

You're the one
whose love I miss

What's fun about dancing
is that the way
you learn new moves
is by
making
mistakes

Follow through and see
what
you
find

Your biggest smile
As you tell stories
Names I haven't heard before
Fondness I haven't encountered

I think you're really pretty
My toe is poking through my sock
And I hope you had fun tonight

everything's perfectly aligned on screen
IM windows in the corner,
my several pinned tabs:
email, poetry, music, analytics stuff,
and a book a girl told me about
my desk is a disaster:
a book about curing moods
from one of my best friends
tax papers, pay stubs,
eye drops, spent soccer tickets,
a can of anti-itch spray,
plastic bbs, empty boxes,
and paraphernalia
the clock only keeps ticking
and I wonder if the devil in me
will come out in my dreams again tonight
I hope I don't wake up on the floor again

I want you
to make
eye contact
with me,
to move
toward me,
to reach
down
with your hand
and take
mine,
roll your
head
to the side,
give me
your best
kiss me look
where you
bite your
bottom lip,
and when I
come in close
and we're
about to lock lips,

I stop

and tell you to *******

What do you think
when you drive by
and look into those
glass buildings
Young kids, classy,
must be doing
something important
Smart college kids
Learning
They may have a better brain
for absorbing mostly
useless information,
but when it comes to
living a life,
they're just as ******* dumb
as anyone
Let me tell you something
This lesson's free
It doesn't matter if
they come home
carrying bags of money
They'll never be any more content
than you can be

I do serious ****,
but I'm not that serious
or maybe I am
because you haven't
been where I've been,
or done what I've done,
have you?

Yes,
I'm older
Yes,
I stay up later than you in spite
Yes,
I have a nightmare all day in my mind

But put your hand here,
find the center of my chest,
and ease a bit to my left

Can you feel it?

In some parallel universe,
I hope when you broke up,
I invited you over and said,
listen to my voice, pretty girl,
and listen to my eyes
You gave it your best
and he tossed you to the wind
Here I am for you;
I never left
It's up to you, of course,
but I won't take you for granted
Won't you be mine, pretty girl?
And in this universe,
you said yes

It's late at night
and I open the door
The warm glow
of a someday-illegal
incandescent light
gently fills my living room
I plug my phone
into the receiver
and set it to full volume
techno
it's time to vibe

I get down like this
every night
til it's later than what's right
because I love it,
but I can't lie
I'm also missing something;
I don't have your love
to carry me to bed
so I can sleep peacefully
and calm my restless head