I sit and watch
As each day goes by
Wondering how it would be
To have you here by my side
To hear your voice saying "Good job, Son."

I wonder what kind of man I would have been
If you hadn't left this world so soon
I wonder what kind of life i would have lived
If you hadn't left this world so soon

So soon.

How confused I was
to have never known you
How confused I was
to have never remembered you

Some days I try my best
to even catch a glimpse
A glimpse of memory of you
But how young I was back then
too fragile
too weak
an infant new to this world

How I wish for you to have seen me grow
How I wished to be able to bring back time
Just so I can spend a minute, an hour, or a day
with you.

I hope to see you one day
To be able to feel the Love you gave
The Love that I have no memory of
I hope to see that Fatherly Smile on your face
A Smile I've been longing for
I hope to Feel those Fatherly arms around me
Just how you cradled me when I was still a Child.

And to hear those words "Good job, Son."

A mirror is never just your reflection,
My mother once said
The mind has this devilish way of
Twisting
Things around
Making then a lot more or a lot less
That what stands before me
Suddenly
My face isn't my face anymore
Instead
I stare blankly at a blueprint
Society itself has hand-sketched
For me.
Post-it's on where things had gone wrong
Scribbles on things I needed less of
Highlighters on places I needed
Brighter brights
Thinner thins
And I just stood there
Watching
As these self-proclaimed architects
Unraveled
The plans they had for a body that wasn't theirs.
Accepting
The new rooms they had drawn next to the ones that already existed,
The ones that were always there
The ones I made a home out of,
The mole on my ear
That never seemed out of place
Until,
The impact of a critical post it told me so.
The place where my thighs met
I've always ignored,
Assuming I was normal
But the scribbles that
Begged
For less of me,
Proved otherwise.
The marks of stretched skin
I considered battle scars over a few calories at a buffet table
Nullified
By society's architects
Disapproved
As if it were up to them
Invalid
Like human came in the form of overruns
But I stare at this blueprint that suggests to change me from
Floor to floor
Head to toe
And wonder
If the one who owns the lot in which I am
Wonder
If He wanted to change me anymore than them
If He liked the original rooms
More than the ones carved to fit the trends
If He wanted me to ignore the architects
And the drafts of copies
And copies
And copies
Of different versions of me

Didn't He want me to accept the mirror for who I am?

Have you ever heard
of such a thing
as being heartbroken
for hearts, not your own?
absurd

tell me please

because I do not seek a remedy
for myself
to soothe my ailed heart

see,
it's not my heart that's shattered

but
I'd let it shatter

oh, I would

if it could make yours whole again

I can probably describe in detail
every time I've caught you with a
sad look in your eyes & every time
I've seen you hide a smirk
I can probably go back to all
of the times I've heard you laugh
and all of the times I've seen you cry
I can honestly probably even recall
every cute sneeze, every deep
yawn, every eye roll, every voice
crack, every text message, every
phone call, every hug, every unkind
moment, every sympathetic glance
I remember everything about
the people I love
and it hurts sometimes