I had you in the palm of my hand
I held on too tight.. I guess
I never wanted you to go, I just wanted you stay

I...
I crushed you
I let you crumble, but you were still in my hand
I still had you

Then
I let you slip away
Slipped through the cracks..

Through my fingertips,
You fell
I tried to pick you up
But I only got pieces and particles

I'm sorry I let you crumble
It's my turn now,
So far
no one's tried to pick up my pieces

today you asked me if i had a lighter
sorry, not in this jacket
i was never able to get you to let go of your cigarettes
you tried though, you got to 52 days! (or 54)
but that's fine, it's just a bad habit
i understand

but me
i don't know if i should consider these bad habits
not bad unless i act on them

whenever i see you i want to run into your arms
i want to kiss you, i want to make you smile, laugh
but i can't
i quit those habits,
you made me quit

we caught the same bus on the way to school
you sat right in front of me
started fixing your hat...
no, let me do it
i wanted so bad to reach out and fix it for you,
i know i couldn't.
i had to keep my fingers busy so i wouldn't reach out and help
tears came to my eyes, i wanted so badly to help, but you don't want me
then there was your hood!
lopsided, wrinkled, it wasn't right
i had to fix it, i didn't
these habits, i have to quit

we were in class
you sat in front of me again
then moved beside a friend
i turned around
i looked at your hair
oh no, i had to fix it
it was so messy
so... weird
so... different
so long
let
me
fix
it

i can't give it up
these habits came along 11 months ago
how do i quit something like this
how do i quit showing my love

soon enough maybe someone will come along and catch the same habits
buttoning your jackets, shirts, pants, fixing your hair, fixing your hood, hats, fixing your trucks on your skateboard, fixing your rough hands, fixing your nasty elbows, massaging you, someone will fix you.

i couldn't fix you as much as i tried,
i can't fix myself either.
but that's what was good about us, we were both messy and broken and we still kept on loving each other

*then you left

I have failed
Yet again
Although this probably isn't a surprise
Another thin red line up my thigh
Each one having less of an importance to me

A scream or cry to be happy
Why me? I ask
To anyone who listens
But I don't want an answer
I don't want your sympathy

I can't let you care
You have problems of your own
Taking up my problems too,
Well that would just be too heavy of a load

For someone who is struggling with them self,
How can they love anybody else?
My hate within is only for me
I'm the only one who deserves to be unhappy.

When your heart stops, your brain still works for seven minutes
Seven minutes to still feel pain.

Then why is it that when your heart breaks, your brain continues to play the memories of us over and over?
An eternity to feel the pain.

the words inside my mind are jumbled and i keep seeing images of us kissing and me laughing and water gun fights and afternoon naps and showering together and long hugs. and i can't stop this jigsaw puzzle of memories from taking over and infecting my lungs, my heart, and there are ten thousand people in a room and i've never been more alone in my entire life. sunday nights are akin to skinny dipping in the ocean in the middle of January when you're shaking and rattling and it seems that the cold has seeped through to the tissue that compiles your bones and then i remember one am at the lake and walking around at the beach and looking at the moonlight reflecting off of your pool eyes and god, i wanted to tell you right then that i loved you. but i didn't, and i never did, and i never have and you told me that you love me as your best friend when you broke up with me two months later, and that friendship is the most important thing and did i always want to date you? and that's a slap in the face because you wanted me so badly, you were frantic to have me and i caved too easily, letting you absorb into my bloodstream and caress my deepest thoughts. maybe i never did love you, or maybe i did, and i think still that love should be given freely even if you've known someone for two days. and you must know that i feel cheated and played because you've left me, you've gone back to her and i pray that she doesn't take you back but we all know that life isn't fair and you were never mine in the first place. but understand that i gave you everything i had and that still wasn't enough to make you stick around, and i am beginning to rethink everything i ever did for you. never in my life have i been rude to you, and i am so hurt by your carefully chosen words and they cut me and slit my throat and it isn't the best to be called pathetic by someone who called you beautiful three weeks earlier. i'm not sure where your anger towards me comes from but i will continue to say that i'm sorry until you scream at me to shut up because i am sorry, i am sorry i am sorry please come back and be mine. i don't know what I did wrong and everything hurts and you can't make me feel right but you can sure as hell make me feel worse.

i don't know what to say except for that
i'm sorry for loving you so one-sidedly
and i understand that i smothered you so completely,
and you jumped to me too quickly.
and i shouldn't have flirted with you when you were so emotionally unstable.

i drew you in just to have you spit me back out four months later,
and a deep pull of ***** won't erase you from the deepest corridors of my mind.

and i believed you when you said nothing would change;
you promised,
you promised,
you promised.

i deserve to feel this deep-rooted despair
sinking lower and lower into my chest
and how far can you drop
until you reach the bottom?