Toscar and I barely know one another. We burst into the house like two lions, scrapping, kissing.
“******* hell. This place is huge.”
I have a desperation. His parka is wet.
“You’re so cute.” He says as he hauls me upstairs. He unzips my jeans, throwing open doors, trying to find my room. His hair is biscuity and thick. “You’re so ****. So cute.”
At around three o’clock we sit in the cold garden, smoking. He’s put his parka back on, with the hood up.
“So, what’s going on with your eye and all?”
“I’m not sure. I have to have an MRI.” I glance over at him. “Maybe I’m dying.”
“You’re not dying.”
“Maybe I am.”
He exhales a ball of smoke.
“My mum died of motor neurone disease.” He says. “Horrible ******* thing. And there’s a fifty-fifty chance I’ll get it too.” He pauses and fumbles around in his pocket, pulling out a pound coin. He starts flipping the coin a little bit, before putting it back in his pocket. I think he wants to make a point about his chances, but it’s too dark to really see the coin. “I just don’t think about it. Death. There’s no point. I’m alright today, d’y’know what I mean?” There is a silence.
“My boyfriend died.” I say, eventually.
“Yeah, I know.” He says quietly. “Anthony told me.”
I try to stop myself. I really do. But I start to cry. Toscar doesn’t care. He pulls his white chair over to mine, and he lets me cry and cry and cry.
“I don’t want to be here anymore.” I say, and I’m not sure if I mean here, in the garden, in the house, or here, in the world. It doesn’t matter what I mean, anyway.
“Hey, mate.” Toscar says, very gently. “You didn’t die.”