I've realized that I seldom title my poems
With capital letter at all (or any punctuation)...
Maybe this expresses how afraid I am
Of truly committing myself to anything-
And how much easier it is
To write a story without a clear ending.

How tragically poetic.

I hear your voice every time
I hear the song approaching the top of my playlist
And you know, there's a reason I always skip it
I can't bear hearing your voice
Even when I know you're not really there
And the words whispered into my ear
Were never yours in the first place
The song makes my heart beat faster
So much that I just
Want
It
To
End
So I could live in a world without music for once
Without that white noise in the background of my memory
Reminding me of you
Like your life is on replay
A remix intertwined with mine
Four bars of bittersweet harmony take me back
To a time when I knew who I was
I was your girlfriend
Sweet and naive
Turned into a monster I never wanted to be
And that is the reason
I can't bear to hear those four bars
Not for you or for me
For both of us
I stay away

dark and deadly, you're the snake that lurks in the grass.
waiting to say something pale and ambiguous
with a question mark that hangs in space.
and it's beautiful,
mysterious and capitalized in all lower case.
the way you shy away from the light
reminds me of a child too afraid to have their say.
like the click of my heels against the cold floor
is too good to stay.
like a star-crossed love too toxic to last.
we cling to each
other in lieu of the past.
smirk and i fall to pieces
you're my terror
fate
my weakness.
breath on my face, charge in my veins,
the drug i can't replace.
you're only the latest in line i suppose.
another notch on my belt, i guess
nothing could change the way i've felt.
i can't feel it any less.
the pain is still there but it's numbed
with the thought of who we could be
and what we've become.
together we're only more twisted
but i feel like we hide a piece of ourselves in each other.
we're stranger to others
but lovers together.

We sing to the music from your car radio under a late sky,
Under the melodic excuse of keeping in harmony with you, under
Twinkling lack of light that hides our faces but cannot hide a sparkle I now notice
In your eyes.
Not reflected by a mirror or the screen of a phone or an old photograph-
An excuse for who you are, printed on a plastic sheet, is only lying to you through what you think you see.
To me, your beauty shines in the way you laugh, your silhouette etched into the cheap light of
fluorescent bulbs transformed by a daydream to a sea of glimmering stars.
November scratches her claws impatiently across the pavement as we walk, now,
And for a moment we become ourselves,
Not performers in a play.
A brilliant, unscripted, unrestricted breath of air,
And the peace in the confidence of the table we share.

I'm terrified of nights
Because they lead into (bleed into)
(Fade into) dawns
And there's little separation between
Today and tomorrow
I have to stay awake and dread the dread, the
Connotation being that
There's little hesitation
Between what I could do right now
And what I could be in the morning.

Today is about thank God it’s not yesterday, because at least I could
Leave all my problems there and now I have today-
Today is Friday, thank God.
Friday is about thank God tomorrow is coming, because
I’m not ready to face yesterday- or today, if it comes down to it.  
Today is school. Today is work.
School is about getting good scores. Scores are about money.
Money is about giving or taking. Transitively,
School is about giving or taking, giving you letters and taking your money.
Work is about money.
Work is about not today, not tomorrow, but these specific hours when you’re in limbo
And nothing exists. Work is about nothing.
Work is about making hours, not letters. Making quotas,
Making quantifiable dollar signs, so thank God it’s Friday.
Thank God it’s Friday because I am tired of the numbers and the letters.
I am about sitting and blocking out the numbers and the letters, because
The numbers and the letters are about loud, jealous, and dead.
I am not dead, thank God, and today is Friday.
Friday is about let’s forget about today, yesterday, and tomorrow, if it comes down to it.
I am about let’s not speak a work but that thank God it is right now, because

Right now is about Friday.

Maybe you can tell
But maybe it escapes you
That I seem to use smiley faces
Way too often
And that's because looking through
At the things I wish to say
They're way too somber to let you know
And you're way too careless to care about the truth
So it's easier for both of us
If what I really feel
Is delivered-
-and taken-
Like a joke

You can tell a lot about someone from how they describe themselves,
Or what they tell you when you ask them about themselves.
You can see it in how much they talk about you,
Or the look they get when you perceive that they are thinking about you.
You can tell by how close they keep you whether you're an enemy,
Or a friend.
You can tell by the frequency of gestures
Or smiles in the hall
Whether they regard you as an acquaintance.
You'll always know when they give you their heart-
And then they give you their all from the very start of things
It warms you from the inside out.
You seldom think about the paths down which you will travel with the ones you love,
But when you look into their faces
You see a mirror of who you're becoming.
The past is in, it's all about the funny coincidences, the secrets you share,
When you first cried together and why-
Your love for each other isn't meant to be kept in a closet,
No matter who has come out (does it really matter at all?)
Just be there, please, to hold the door open for me.
The art of friend love is dying and I've been trying to keep us alive.
I just want to say that when I see a new face,
I'm not letting the good times slip away.
I'm trying to preserve us like wax in other peoples' hearts
Until we call catch fire
And we burn like a fire-
And when it's all almost over,
We can slow down together
And melt with eachother.
Love is patient, love is kind-
Love doesn't judge
Love somehow brings us together to judge,
Strange as it seems to the solitarily righteous.
Love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you.
And love is being friends with you...
Friend love with you, it's all I've known.

Throw away the plastic and paper covers with bold photos and bright letters telling you that you
Can always be better.
When did stick thin become more beautiful than curvy?
And when did the human mind become so greedy-
So needy-
That we'd rather see it all than leave
some things to the imagination.
The world wants you to stop believing.
Stop believing that your eyes can sparkle
And your laugh is more than white noise.
They all want to chew you up and spit you out-
A plastic punishment of which a diamond is undeserving.
Keep some of the edges. They keep you unique.
Keep your imperfections, because they are beautiful to me.
Stop trying to see yourself through
the lens of a camera
the reflection of a makeup mirror
the print of a photograph.
You are in the first rays of sunlight that kiss the sky.
Your touch is mysterious and beautiful.
You are mysterious and beautiful.

Isn't it great
Isn't it peachy
Isn't it ******* swell
I can see that you're falling in love
With her
Well fall on straight to hell
Kiss her in front of me
See if I care
See if I twitch at all
But when she leaves you
On your knees, alone
I'm not the girl to call

Lately, I was feeling like I was going through life on autopilot.
Not really seeing, not really feeling.
Barely scratching the surface,
I was cold and numb.
My eyes were open, but nothing was being seen,
Nothing was registering or being recognized.
I was hearing all the little background noises, but I was so used to them that everything beautiful became dust.
Every voice was white noise.
I felt used, wasted, worthless, unclean.
Like I had broken all the little laws that keep my world revolving,
I was spinning, I was downward-spiraling,
I was fried.
But something was shaking me and my heart was breaking me
And I woke up on a fault line.
I woke up.
I woke up.
I'm awake.
And I see everything.
I feel everything.
In technicolor.
I'm not sure how, and I don't know how, and I don't know why at all.
I don't know why now, I don't know and I don't understand.
But I'm awake again, and I'm walking on purpose.
I'm breathing voluntarily.
I'm smiling because, somehow, I rediscovered how.
Do I understand?
Not even a little bit.
But,
I'm awake again.

Her figure was slumped against the mausoleum
When she saw him standing there-
A stranger whose shadow covered her like a blanket
His figure tiptoeing on air.
"Come to watch" she whispered drunkenly,
And stared as he sat down.
He'd come to watch her die, of course
To sink
To bleed
To drown.
He made no sound, as he crouched down,
His shoulder grazing hers.
Her fingers numbing from the cold
Were warmed by woolen blurs.
He held her hand by the graves that night,
And she didn't pull away
"Who are you," she asked with trembling lips,
"Does it matter, as long as I stay?"
The tears fell down, and the bottle fell,
And she collapsed into the grass.
Her scars were ripped and opened again
With words and broken glass.
But he held there, he stayed, not making a sound
Just holding her in his embrace-
But when, the next morning, she woke in her bed
She had nearly forgotten his face.
He was a stranger to her, and she never found out
Who her savior had been that night.
But his heart had been damaged and bandaged, like hers
Nearly lost in the broken grey light.
But his voice was familiar and full of his strength,
When he gently lowered the knife
And whispered "this storm, no matter how rough, love,
It isn't worth taking your life".

staring through windowpanes at falling rain
the fog around my feet is cold and calculating and
daring me to make a move

when i look at you i think of all the times you've given me.
you used to be my idol, and not only that
but my best friend
and my twin.
we shared everything from music to pain
and sharing that pain made everything okay.
but then you found another crowd
and suddenly i fell from the highest cloud
to hit the ground.
bitter and hard and cold
and you off with others that were cooler than me.
and with the cool came a chill that froze me.
where were you then?
why did you turn your back?
what made you leave?
there were no more secrets or midnight snacks or sharing pain together (forever, as forever was implied)
i was left to bear it alone.
call me an idiot for picking you up again when the new friends decided they were done with you
but maybe i felt sorry
because, well- now you know what i felt.
and as much as i hate myself for loving you, no one should feel what you made me feel.
not even your worst enemy.
not even your best friend.

on my way to your house
i cant breathe; im close to death
on my way home again
i am alive
seeing your face, my heart nearly gives
but when my face is sitting sideways
on your chest
the world stops
and my breathing is slowed
without the pain
i just want to stay

My legs hurt
From standing alone.
My arms hurt
From holding myself up.
My soul hurts
From feeling on my own.
My mind hurts
From thinking of you.
My heart hurts
From being torn apart.
My eyes hurt
From seeing you without me.
My mouth hurts
From having nothing to kiss.
My hands hurt
From groping to find something to hold.
My life hurts
And yet it goes on.

You barely say a word
And your silences are full of depression
I'm not sure what to think anymore
Because you never came to me for help, anyway
I'm just forced to sit here and watch
You slip away

you know the other day when
you were reading over my shoulder?
my fingers were cold holding down the page
but my face was warm
next to yours.
we even drew the gaze
of everyone in the room.
if i were someone else
i would have stared too.

it's easier not to fall for you
when you're not on my mind
it's harder to ignore when you're
within my line of sight

Falling onto grass
Sunshine traces every laugh
Etched across your face

Walking with you like I’m on a sugar high
Climbing this mountain like nothing is tearing me down
Fingers crossed behind my back
I won’t see it coming at me again-
Smile on my face,
You’d never know how hard I’ve hit the ground.

i wonder if you know that you are my hero
and every time i look at you i can't meet your eyes
and it's killing me slowly that you will never know
the pain and love and self i hide
and somehow in your shadow
i lose my ray of light
and yet i stay around you
because i cant imagine life without you
fading in and out of the forefront
crossing the lines you can't even see
like you haven't really noticed me
but that's alright, i think it's better
that i watch from afar
and think of what i wish we were
if only i wasn't last in line
to get a piece of your heart

Yes we were friends, and that was then, but-
You were the one that left,
It was not I.
You never even said goodbye.

i hate you
i hate your hair
i hate the jokes i used to laugh at
i hate the pictures that i have
when i see you in them
most of all
i hate that he loves you

Thank you.
For making me feel like I have no power.
For taking away my voice, my ability to form thoughts, my ability to sort out how I feel.

My ability to feel.

Thank you, for making me a stranger even to those closest to me.
Unable to reach out, to ask for help, unable to accept kindness or love.

Thank you for making me a prisoner in my own body.
For making it hard to look in the mirror. Making me live in my head, as a being completely separate from my limbs, my stretch marks, the little white rolls of my stomach.

Thank you.

Thank you for allowing me to feel my heart in my throat. For letting the ***** rise up in my throat, so I can let it out. It’s the only thing I can let out that gives me some kind of release.

Thank you for destroying my faith in a god, in others, and in myself.

Thank you for making me question.

Was it my fault?
Does God have pity on sinners who get hurt?
Was there something I could have done?

Thank you for breaking me.

Thank you for killing me before anything else could.

if i looked like that
would you put another girl off
to come watch me

Dissatisfaction is what you feel when you
Start to type out a message to him, and
Your fingers are trying to move to express what you're feeling...
But you have nothing to say.
So you close the window.
And turn off your computer.
And go to bed.

I know your apple
Is bittered with poison
But I'm addicted to
Just the next bite

it's hard for me to say the words
that may turn on me in the end
what seems like soul drawn romance now
may leave me with one less lover and friend
so at least for now i find it hard
to pledge that i'll be true
for fear that i will jinx myself
and seal fate for i and you

my words scare me as i take a leap of unwarranted faith
plunging into a world
of typing my soul
and uploading my heart to a world wide web
spun of slivers of respite i can barely reach out my fingers to touch
who will know my words
what will they come to know?
not the girl that sits alone
something different and unspoken
something caged until now

Thought I knew who you used to be
But your face is a mystery staring down at me
And in the blink of an eye, everything can change
That’s why I don’t look away

Nothing worries me more
Than seeing your face and knowing that
You're not all there inside
You're living with a heartbeat but
You're barely alive
You are my beautiful wonderful friend
Torn down to start from the beginning again
And I can feel your pain wondering if it's worth it
To paint yourself into a red corner
Worthless
Not worth the time you spend ticking away
Counting the friends that you're missing each day
Missing in action and drowning in tears
And downing their miseries over the years
Spreading the doses to make it off clean
Not to be judged or hated or seen
As what they think that they see in themselves
Sitting, collecting dust on a hospital shelf
It makes me angry that they're going mad
Does it really matter that the pain is disguised
If they can't see the mercy that's not in your eyes
And a love with which they are never acquainted
They are forgotten and troubled and tainted

Would you tell me that I'm beautiful
If I took off all my clothes?
Would that make you feel loved?
Because it makes me feel sick.
My body is beautiful-
But it's not beautiful for you.
It's beautiful for me.

every time i see you
i wonder what it would be like
to be with you
and when i think of being with you
i wonder what it would be like
if you stayed

Every time I look up at you
I have to look away
I can't meet your eyes, love
Because I'm afraid of what you will see

do you like her
because she wears that black dress
and is sweet and cultured
and thinks she knows best
is it because she has the right grace
and charm
comes from a nice family
looks good on your arm
are you proud to keep her
and say that she's yours
does she kiss you goodbye
do you open her door
is it because she's beautiful
because
that's what you used to say that i was
is she the new beauty
is she the new me

I should be dreaming of you at night
But I stay awake, for I
Have nightmares to write.

I wish I could show you how much I care
But if you've seen the way my face lights up when you walk by
Perhaps you see the beauty there.
I'm afraid to show my dependence...I'm afraid to understand.
I can't bear to look through my mind
I'm not brave enough to hold your hand.
Truly, you can't see me this way. There's no way
That I could mean as much to you.
But maybe you feel invisible too.
Maybe you are as insignificant to me (at least in your mind)
As the beating of human waves on the shores of time.
But if that notion fills your head,
Just keep your hand in mine.
This is a terrible way to express
The beat of my heart, the pounding in my chest
That I feel when I see you.
It's not romantic love-
It's friend love.
And I'm in it with you.
And I will never let you go, I swear
No matter if you can't feel it too
I will love you til the end of time
As long as you can see it through.

I could say that you and I
Were love gone wrong.
But we started as the truth,
And ended as a lie.

No reason for me to be jealous
Of the love that I could see in the ghost of her
That was in your eyes.

It was too familiar to be my reflection.

I can't express all the hurt that I felt
Even when I said goodbye.
You couldn't begin to try
To imagine what you started.

I was the one who started and ended the love affair
With a love that even I knew wasn't there.

But the truth of the matter is-
You had me all along
But I never had you at all.

when i look at you
no matter who you are
i remember a song
that brings us together
and i smile just
to see your face and remember.

as autumn leaves are falling
and green things turn to gold
so you and i must fall together
from innocent to old

Sometimes I wonder if
When people look at me
They see all the sadness and grief
That the mirror can't show